Ticket to a Polygamous Man’s Heaven

An acquaintance of mine, Sister Doe,* shared an interesting story about her experience in a recent temple sealing. At the end of the ceremony, the sealer gave a few words of advice, including this gem to the bride:

“You are now the groom’s ticket to his full exaltation, like a visa on a passport.”

Sister Doe gave him a withering look in return and should be commended for not standing up and flipping the over-priced chairs.

As if the sealing ceremony itself wasn’t sexist enough, he had to add insult to injury by reminding the young bride that doctrinally, she was only an object—a means to a man’s eternal salvation.

In the 19th century, the LDS church practiced plural marriage, or polygamy. Men married an average of 2-3 wives each, though some leaders had as many as 50. Regarding this principle, Doctrine & Covenants 132 states:

61 And again, as pertaining to the law of the priesthood—if any man espouse a virgin, and desire to espouse another, and the first give her consent, and if he espouse the second, and they are virgins, and have vowed to no other man, then is he justified; he cannot commit adultery for they are given unto him; for he cannot commit adultery with that that belongeth unto him and to no one else.

62 And if he have ten virgins given unto him by this law, he cannot commit adultery, for they belong to him, and they are given unto him; therefore is he justified.

This scripture––which is still canonized––hinges on men as agents and women as objects, something to be received, given, and owned. Even the idea of a woman giving her consent isn’t really true only two verses later:

64 And again, verily, verily, I say unto you, if any man have a wife, who holds the keys of this power, and he teaches unto her the law of my priesthood, as pertaining to these things, then shall she believe and administer unto him, or she shall be destroyed, saith the Lord your God; for I will destroy her; for I will magnify my name upon all those who receive and abide in my law.

Women who refuse to give consent to polygamy will be destroyed. How can women be true agents when they are told they must consent or face destruction? Women are something to be collected, told what to do, and obey. They are given in marriage and received like a present or a prize.

In the doctrine of plural marriage, men are required to be married in order to receive exaltation and achieve godhood. As Brigham Young taught: “The only men who become Gods, even the Sons of God, are those who enter into polygamy.” A woman—a plural wife—is a literal ticket to heaven for men.

Or to put as plainly as Heber C. Kimball: “I think no more of taking a wife than I do of buying a cow.”

Marriage is still required for eternal exaltation and the Celestial Kingdom. Russell M. Nelson taught, “Only those who are married in the temple and whose marriage is sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise will continue as spouses after death and receive the highest degree of celestial glory, or exaltation.” While the language used now is more equal, stating both men and women must be married to obtain it, a wedding is still treated as a forced pit stop on the road to heaven.

(Believing that marriage is required for salvation brings in tricky doctrinal questions too, like how much does the atonement matter if a gospel of works is required? What of grace? Why wasn’t Christ married or at least preach of marriage in the New Testament? But these questions might best be explored in another post.)

Celestial marriage. The fulness of the gospel. The new and everlasting covenant.

These were all code words for polygamy that we still use today. We’ve renegotiated their meaning to just be temple marriage, but that doesn’t mean the roots don’t fester beneath our feet. Plural marriage exists in Mormon heaven. Both President Nelson and President Oaks are married polygamously, believing that they will be with both wives in the next life. There is controversy over whether or not polygamy is required for us to practice in the next life. I grew up being told that I would practice polygamy one day and “love it.” Others never heard such a thing until they stumbled across it on the internet. But I think that’s one of the worst parts about it.

The modern day church has never stated one way or another what the requirement of polygamy will be in the next life. We are cautioned not to speculate or perpetuate rumors, but wouldn’t it make the most sense for the church to just clarify it themselves? Why leave room for rumors in the first place? Simply state unequivocally that polygamy is not an eternal requirement and that women don’t need to lie awake at night fearing an eternal future they know next to nothing about.

But they can’t do that, can they? That would be admitting the ugly truth—that plural marriage was a farce. That it led to abuse, poverty, and broken people. That it helped consolidate structural power into the hands of a few men in a tradition that continues today.

And it would make women agents, not objects: in marriage, in the family, and in church structure.

If women are more than something you collect like tokens to cash in for celestial godhood, then they have the right to say no. To take power. To be in charge of themselves. If we keep that subtle confusion and cultural belief of women as things, equal but also presided over, then they can’t become too powerful to control and bind to otherwise mediocre Mormon men that they wouldn’t be attracted without the priesthood. If the quiet sexism and inequality didn’t exist, then who would populate men’s earthly and eternal kingdoms with children?

When a woman boils down to an object, her consent means nothing. Her opinions and desires are easy to trample or twist into what men want them to be. When a woman is something a man needs to be a god, what stops him from believing that he is a god now, ruling and reigning without consequence or question? When a woman is requirement you must collect like a passport stamp, then the seeds of abuse are fertile for growth.

If I was Sister Doe in that sealing room, I might not have had the control to not scream out loud or break down into loud sobs. I’d probably have to be escorted out before I smashed a mirror. These small thoughts, comments, or jokes are where inequality lives and thrives. This is where women are turned into trinkets. These are the messages we absorb week after week, sermon after sermon, until we forget our own power.

But I am not an object. I’m not a prize for men to cash in for because they served a righteous mission. I’m not a passport to a man’s godhood that isn’t offered equally to me. I’m with Sister Emma—I resist even if they call me rebellious. My Heavenly Mother will not destroy me.

*Name changed at their request to protect privacy.