How to Address a Passive-Aggressive Colleague

Are you dealing with passive-aggressive behavior from your teammates? In my previous post, I provided a full rundown of the causes and symptoms of this all-too-common dysfunction in which people convey aggressive feelings through passive means. What are you to do if you’re on the receiving end of this sly, covert, and insidious behavior? How should you deal with a colleague’s passive-aggressiveness?

The Principles of Addressing Passive-Aggressiveness

Let’s start with a few general principles before we get into the specific actions and tactics.

Deal With It

Yup, that’s the most challenging principle of all because their bad behavior has become your problem. “Why do I have to deal with it?” you ask. Why does their inability or unwillingness to behave like a mature adult now mean you have to put on your big kid pants and have the uncomfortable conversation? I agree, it sucks. However, ignoring passive-aggressive behavior allows it to continue. Worse, your ability to rise above your teammate’s childish behaviors might even make them more angry with you. That means your experience of work is going to suck—better to deal with it.

Don’t Match Their Vibe

The person expressing their anger through indirect and even covert means is likely doing so because they don’t feel confident or safe expressing their feelings more openly and constructively. Passive-aggressive behavior can run deep and is tied to low self-confidence and lack of psychological safety. Responding with hostility will only play into (and even validate) their fear. Take whatever steps necessary (see Phone a Friend, below) to process your emotions so that you can engage calmly with your passive-aggressive colleague.

Be Clear and Direct

The challenge with passive-aggressive slights is that they can be hard to recognize. The person behaving passive-aggressively has a vested interest in keeping their anger covered so it might emerge in micro-aggressions that others might pass off as harmless, as sarcasm that is justified as humor (can’t you take a joke?), or as stall tactics they defend as reasonable risk management. Your response can’t be equivocal or leave any room for them to wiggle out of accountability.

The Tactics to Address Passive-Aggressive Behavior

There are a wide variety of actions to take depending on how your co-worker’s passive-aggressive behavior manifests. Here are a few options:

Describe What You’re Seeing

If you see the person rolling their eyes, say, “I notice you rolling your eyes. How are you reacting to the plan I put forward?” If they make a joke or get in a one-liner like “Must be nice,” be sure to respond. “What must be nice?” The person will likely deny or deflect the first couple of times, but persisting will become uncomfortable if you do this repeatedly, even relentlessly. (I find it helpful to track how many times I have to do this, like a loyalty card from a coffee shop, treat yourself after five trips on the high road.)

Ask For Explanations

Pose the questions that require the person to let you and everyone else in on their thinking. “What’s beneath your concerns about this plan?” “What are you experiencing that caused you to say that?” You might get one layer of answers in a group forum and be able to probe for a deeper layer if you repeat the question in private afterward. Tone matters here, though. This is about genuinely trying to understand what’s going on, not about being accusatory.

Be Upfront

Be brave and candid about the impact of the person’s behavior on you, and set the boundaries of how you’re willing to be treated. “When you repeatedly challenge my approach, it erodes other people’s confidence and means I need to do extra work to get them back onside. This is my decision, and while I’m willing to hear your concerns before the decision is made, I am not willing to slow the project down once I’ve made a call.”

Make a Safe Forum

If your colleague is behaving passive-aggressively because they don’t feel safe addressing their concerns or fears directly, it might help to find a private space to encourage them to surface what they’re experiencing. You can use questions like, “What’s at stake for you here?” or “How are you experiencing this?” to slowly work toward an understanding of what’s going on. If they’re receptive to it, you then have a chance.

Keep Going

Passive-aggressive behavior often involves stalling or endlessly asking for more details. Don’t allow these forms of resistance to impede progress. You need to keep moving forward, or else the person will learn that your passive-aggressive strategies are effective. You can acknowledge their concerns, dissent, or discomfort while reiterating why you’re continuing with your plan.

Phone a Friend

Dealing with passive-aggressive behavior and constantly inhibiting your emotional reactions to take the high road is exhausting and even infuriating. You need a safe and constructive outlet for that. Find a neutral party, preferably not someone involved who is willing to be a sounding board. And be sure to invest in activities that are reenergizing for you.

Conclusion

Being on the receiving end of passive-aggressive behavior can start to make you question your stance and even your sanity. Notice the patterns, understand the causes, and take steps to stop the slippery behavior by making it safer for the person to expose their concerns and less comfortable for them to keep up the charade.

Additional Resources

10 Ways to Help People Say Uncomfortable Things

Tools to stop passive-aggressive behavior

Crisis and Trauma Institute 10 Strategies for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People

 

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