What to Say to Prevent Passive-aggressiveness

Passive-aggressive behavior on teams stalls progress and leaves you wondering whether your colleague is trying to take you down or if you’re just imagining things. Passive aggressiveness is harmful to every facet of teamwork. So, are there things you can say to prevent passive-aggressiveness? Absolutely.

The first thing to remember is that passive-aggressiveness is how your colleagues try to inflict harm on you without triggering a counterattack. They behave in ways that help them vent their anger but can be denied or explained away.

Maybe they let out a massive sigh after you make a suggestion, but when you call them on it, they backpedal, saying, “No, I was just yawning.”  Or they make a sarcastic remark about your plan, and when you ask what the issue is, they hit you with a, “Jeez, it was just a joke.”

Passive-aggressive behavior signals that your teammate feels unsafe disagreeing with you directly. That means that you probably won’t get anywhere taking an aggressive stance with them; you’ll just drive the same anger further underground. Instead, if you want to prevent passive-aggressiveness, use questions to create space for them to make different and better choices.

Generic Culture-building Questions

Part of reducing passive-aggressive behavior in your team is fostering a culture in which indirect expressions of anger are not socially acceptable. That means anticipating any specific grievance by creating a safer forum for discussing uncomfortable or contentious issues.

You can inoculate your team against passive-aggressive behavior with questions like:

What are the most important things for us to discuss as a team?Which issues might be most challenging to discuss candidly?What tensions will always be a part of our work? How can we actively manage them?How are we going to broach contentious conversations openly?What are the risks if we allow misalignments to go unresolved?Setting Up Difficult Conversations

Promoting an environment where uncomfortable conversations are part of the norm is a great start. When it comes time to discuss a specific issue, you might want to revisit your commitment to transparent and direct communication.

You can boost your team’s immunity from passive-aggressive behavior with questions like:

What are our stakeholders counting on us to resolve today?Which tensions do we need to lean into in this conversation?How should we behave if the conversation gets uncomfortable?When do we all need to be aligned on the decision?What ground rules could we stick to if we want this to be productive?Reminding People of Their Commitment

You might be halfway into a conversation when the vibe in the room shifts from open debate to cagey, cautious comments. You can bet that something has started to feel unsafe or too close to home for folks to continue with candor.

You can treat the early signs and symptoms of passive-aggressiveness with questions like:

What caused the conversation to change just now?How could we get back to talking more openly with one another?What makes this conversation feel risky?What do we need to speak openly about to resolve this issue fully?Which ways of approaching this make it more likely that we’ll get the issues in the open?Fixing a Conversation That is Off-Track

Despite your best efforts to keep things on the rails, passive-aggressive behavior sometimes gets fast and furious. As one person starts to behave poorly, others might follow. Then, the patient is at risk of dying on the table.

You can resuscitate a conversation with questions like:

What are we not saying out loud that needs to be said?What do I need to hear that I’m not being receptive to?What would you say if you knew there would be no pushback?What if we were to swap sides and argue for each other’s positions?We’ve been using words like “x” and “y.” What are we really saying?Learning from a Bad Experience

Maybe you left your last meeting in complete despair, realizing that nothing had been resolved and that many things that needed to be said had gone unspoken.

You can rehabilitate the dynamic in hopes of having a better conversation next time with questions like:

Where did things get off track in our last conversation?How can we make it safer to say uncomfortable things next time?How could we prepare differently to set up the conversation for success?Which ground rules did we struggle to adhere to? What was the reason?What is at stake if we don’t have this conversation openly and effectively?Conclusion

Whether you’re trying to prevent passive-aggressiveness before it starts, correct it once it’s happened, or recover for next time, use questions to inspire better choices rather than accusations or retribution. They won’t work every time, but taking the high road will likely inspire your teammates to do the same. At some point, it will be difficult for anyone to keep up the passive-aggressive façade.

Additional Resources

What To Say to a Passive-aggressive Coworker

Sarcasm is an awesome way to make your point…really!

ADR Ontario: Unmasking Passive-aggressive Behaviour in the Workplace

 

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