When to Abandon Dreams

Have you ever felt like you’re slam worn out from spinning your wheels and getting nowhere? Do you feel that your dreams are out of reach or constantly being denied? Do you feel like you’re always the bridesmaid and never the bride? And do you have that one person in your life who thinks they are being supportive but whose words drag you down even more? You’re not alone.

Today’s topic stems from a multitude of things occurring for friends, coworkers, and well as myself. This topic seemed to pop up too many times for me to ignore writing a post. However, I believe it was the words of an associate that pushed me over the edge to take a seat in front of my laptop and begin pounding it out.

First, let me say, that the associate who made the statement meant no ill-will. He honestly thought he was being helpful. And to be fair, perhaps my feelings and headspace were not in the right place and I received the message all wrong. Here’s what happened.

We were speaking about dreams. After several months of working on a tediously gnawing project, I experienced somewhat of a disappointment. Here’s why I say somewhat. There’s a saying, “Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.” Several months ago, I had concerns that the project may not produce the desired result. Instead of this person reassuring me that my concerns were valid, he accused me of being negative and sending bad vibes into the universe. “You don’t know that. You can’t predict the future” These were the words I heard repeatedly, and they made me hesitant to share my thoughts and feelings. Instead of building confidence in what I was doing, I began doubting myself. I asked, “Am I Debbie Downer? Am I self-sabotaging by not being more optimistic?” Yet, I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that my concerns were on the mark.

The day finally came to complete the project, and all the fears I dreaded were before my eyes. I hadn’t adequately prepared myself for the worst because I listened to my associate.

I was bummed by the outcome and was mopey. Most people are used to seeing me smiling, upbeat, and horsing around, even on some of the crummiest of days. However, I just didn’t have it in me that day. I couldn’t muster a smile and my demeanor wasn’t all rainbows and sparkles. I was in the dumps, and sometimes, one needs to be allowed to sulk and wallow in sorrow. Not forever but for a moment. Sadness, frustration, and anger are on the emotional scale, and they are each valid emotions. People are allowed to feel them and shouldn’t be told otherwise. I was processing everything that had happened, and my associate’s advice was to “get another dream.” As if it was that simple. I had some four-letter words in mind for him, but I kept them to myself. He then went on to semi-lecture me on his philosophy. He said that when things don’t work out for him he focuses on the good. He doesn’t know what’s out there. Fine.

No, not fine. Here’s the problem with that and what I expressed.

A dream is something that a person desires, wants to obtain, or strives to achieve. A dream is a definite because it is a goal. If one doesn’t know what the goal is, then how can that be a dream? It’s nothing. One doesn’t ascribe to nothing. Well, I suppose technically person can want nothing, and it could be a goal to want nothing, as in to be satisfied with what one has. That’s valid. But can a dream be described as striving to obtain nothing or having a goal to be nothing? And that is how I replied to him. If what is out there is unknown, it could be something or it could be nothing. But without a definition to it, it can’t be a dream because a dream has to be something. One can’t have a goal of nothing. There’s no goal. I was hurting, and all he was doing was invalidating my feelings and telling me to want nothing.

My associate got quiet. He recognized whether right, wrong, or indifferent, I was no longer listening. I had been a victim of toxic positivity. Toxic positivity is an extreme form of optimism that involves dismissing negative emotions or invalidating negative experiences in favor of a cheerful façade or replacing them with false reassurances. For a long time, I didn’t believe toxic positivity was real. Guess who was wrong. Anyway…

People who deliver toxic positivity generally hold good intentions. They genuinely want to help. However, they don’t realize that their actions may have harmful consequences. Now, I’m not going to blame my actions on my associate’s statements. I should have maintained more confidence in myself and went with my gut. It was the aspiration in me yearning for a positive outcome that so easily allowed me to suppress the reality of the disintegration I saw happening. It also forced me to take a closer look and explore what and when to terminate a dream. So, I grabbed my handy dandy notebook and began researching.

Dreams are something that a person should develop for himself/herself. If a person is striving to obtain a goal solely for or because of another person, then that is the other person’s dream. It’s perfectly fine to have shared dreams, but a dream must come from within for a person to consider it his/her dream. So be sure the dream is something you desire.Most dreams are difficult to obtain. One must be willing to put in a lot of effort to achieve them. Likely, there will be obstacles, and some may seem impossible. Some may actually be impossible.Dreams change. A person does not have to continue attempting to chase a dream if the dream no longer makes him/her happy. It’s okay to change or quit. Give yourself grace.Here’s a hard one. Not all dreams will come true. It’s okay to fail. Again, give yourself grace. However, a failed dream does not mean the end of the road. Sure, a new dream may come along. Or it might not. With time, the hurt and disappointment will get better. I’m not going to say it completely subsides because it may not. But it will become bearable. One will be able to get through the day without feeling crushed. The take it takes one to heal varies from person to person. Just know it will come.All emotions are valid. Let me say that again for the people in the back. All emotions are valid. That does not mean a person should act on all emotions, but one is allowed to feel them. Allow no one to emotion-shame you. Stay away from anyone who attempts to do this.Dreams require choices, and not all choices are pleasant. For example, career aspirations may mean moving far away from family and friends or living in a not-so-great area. In this situation, a person may need to do a pro-con assessment to determine the best action. If one determines that the cost of obtaining a dream entails sacrificing too much, then the dream may not be worth it.Sometimes, dreams are no longer viable. A close friend, resting her soul, had three dreams in life: to get married, own a home, and have children. The first major blow came when she returned to college to get an advanced degree. On the surface, this appeared to be a step in the right direction to obtain her homeownership goal. However, what it did was put her deeper into debt and make her ineligible for a mortgage loan. Plus, in order to return to school, she accepted a job that decreased her already meager salary by more than two thousand dollars. The second blow getting involved in a complicated romantic relationship (love triangle) that didn’t go in her favor. And the final blow was having to have a hysterectomy. Had she had more time on this earth, she possibly could have achieved at least one of the goals. However, likely she would have never had children unless she married a man with children. She was over her childbearing years, and I later learned, that most adoption agencies have an age limit for adopting parents (unless the child is a blood relative.) Before her untimely death, she was coming to terms with the possibility of her never becoming a wife or mother. According to an internet search (take it for what it is), the odds of a woman her age getting married would have been one in sixteen.A point often not made is releasing oneself from obligation. What does that mean? Sometimes a person sets a goal but may lose interest or maybe they never wanted it. However, once the goal has been set, the person feels obligated to achieve it. A friend explained that many years ago, she set a goal for herself. Where she went wrong was that she told a lot of people about it. Those people (some supporters and others doubters) constantly kept her accountable for the goal. So, even after she lost interest in it, she still felt compelled to obtain it. But what others think should have no influence on a person’s dream. As stated in point number one, a dream is something one has for himself/herself.

And that’s all I got. Now, it’s your turn to sound off. Was this post helpful? Let me know your thoughts in the comment section. If you like this post, please click the like button and share. Your feedback allows me to know the content that you want to read.

Hang onto your bootstraps.

My contemporary M/M paranormal sports romance, Demon Rodeo, is available now for order on Amazon. If Brokeback Mountain, 8 Seconds, Poltergeist, and Supernatural had an orgy, Demon Rodeo would be the lovechild. For video book trailers, visit my TikTok page. The full blurb is on my Instagram and Amazon.

Demon Rodeo is the first book in the Chasing the Buckle series but can be read as a standalone. It’s a friends-to-lovers romance set in the rodeo world. These are not your typical cowboys. It’s a widely diverse cast of characters and a mashup of genres that aren’t always seen together. If you’re looking for a palate cleanser, this may be a book for you.

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Until next time, happy reading and much romance. Laissez le bon temps rouler.

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