The ever-productive problem

It’s sad that I find it so hard to rest and do very little. Yesterday was my least productive day of the holiday. I wrote my daily post, finished the book I was reading, walked the dog, watched tv while journaling and doing a tarot reading (I dabble for fun), did some yoga, then finally started my scrapbook for Japan while watching a new tv show.

I’m used to the list being longer, or for it not to have much tv watching on it! I also played my video game on the evening! Gasp! My husband cooked dinner. It was weird. It was needed.

But why is it so hard for some of us to do this, while others can do it naturally? It’s not laziness versus hard workers. Not at all. It’s deeper than that. I think it’s about self worth. I know, at least for me, that I gain self worth, and feel happier about myself, when I’ve had a productive day. When I’ve ticked things off a list, and they’re impressive things.

I also get this sick sense of pride knowing I’ve done more than someone else. There’s that competition and comparison again.

So it’s about who we think we need to be to be accepted and loved. The value we think we need to provide for approval. They say this comes from childhood, but my mom never made me work really hard for praise. In fact, she was playful and encouraged me to be social and more outgoing. I’m not sure where this comes from for me.

Maybe it’s not a need to prove myself necessarily, but a need to improve myself. That I’m hyper aware of my limitations and want to change my life, so I desperately work at it until I burn out. I’m made restless by a never ending need to make things better. I’m fuelled by dissatisfaction. While others can rest more easily, because they’re more satisfied with their lives and themselves.

This is why I’ve finally followed my husband’s advice and unsubscribed from YouTube channels that talk about self development and productivity. I don’t need it anymore. Maybe all it does it make me more restless than help me at this point.

We don’t need to work hard on changing ourselves and our lives every day. That sounds like a recipe for disaster to me! I’ve never questioned it before but damn, doesn’t that sound miserable? It means we’re never happy and accepting. And that’s a real shame.

Do you get itchy hands when you’re relaxing, too? Do you find it hard to sit still? Ask yourself why. You probably deserve it, and bloody well need it, so why is it so hard to give that to ourselves?

It’s productive to rest. It makes us more capable when we are working hard on our projects. Otherwise, our work won’t be as good. Especially if you’re creative. Creativity needs play and joy and childlike wonder to keep it alive.

“You will always struggle with not feeling productive until you accept that your own joy can be something that you produce,” – Hank Green

Sincerely,

S. xx