What in the Name of Colonel Harland Sanders is Going On Here?
This post is silly, and if you are easily offended you might want to stop reading.
Do remember the best fun is when we are poking fun at our own people, our own tribe.
With that in mind, I learned yesterday that apparently Chick-Fil-A is in negotiations to launch it’s own streaming platform. Here is an article CLICK HERE I found randomly on the internet about it if you’re the kind of person who needs third-party confirmation.
As outrageous as it sounds, as soon as I heard it, I could see the entire week of programming laid out in my head. I think it would go something like this:
Monday Night: This is classic chick flick night. Except, different kinds of chicks — right, this would be chickens, particularly, how to cook them. Think turn of the century Food Network. Maybe they’ll even get Alton Brown to host it. If he is not available, Greenbean would love this!
Tuesday Night: Crime Drama night. The premier is a riveting two hour movie featuring Detective C. M. Wings who needs to find out who is trying to steal the recipe for the secret Chick-Fil-A sauce. It sets the stage for ongoing dramas where he continually gets help from a forensic scientist, Dr. Pepper, and a streetwise youngster who goes by the nickname Frye. Special guest star: Kirk Cameron.
Wednesday Night: Documentaries and more documentaries. The big one is a splashy new theory put forth by a Sunday school teacher from Mobile who, though he has no training in biblical languages or antiquities, has discovered a lot copy of the Gospel of Mark that seems to indicate Jesus feed the 5000 not with fishes and loves, but with loves and two chickens. He made them chicken sandwiches. Narrated by John Hagee.
Thursday Night: College football, of course. But this isn’t riveting rivalries. What Chick-Fil-A TV will show are small Christian colleges getting destroyed by Division 1 programs for their homecoming.
Friday Night: Family Night, which means lots of reruns of Touched by an Angel (starring Roma Downey), The Rifleman, Leave it to Beaver, Growing Pains, and Seventh Heaven. After 10PM, add in a little Hercules, Heartland, and Matlock.
Saturday: You’d think college football, but no, that is too obvious. Saturday’s are men’s development programming with important ‘how to’s’ like how to balance your bank account (Dave Ramsey) or how to build that amazing deck (Tim Allen) and then important relational shows about how to teach your wife to submit.
Saturday Night: Family Dramas, think Hallmark but even more wholesome. Regina was worried about her courtship with David until he got a new job at Chick-Fil-A and now all he can talk about is Courtney. The home school association is all abuzz with gossip. Yet David has a secret, and only Courtney understands.
Sunday: No programming available. Just a screen that says, ‘My Pleasure’ all day long.
Daytime TV: Live feeds from Chick-Fil-A restaurants around the world and ‘person-on-the-street’ interviews with patrons. Occasional shows about insider things such as ‘how the drive through works’ or ‘where does all that frying oil come from’.
There has to be a name for this platform, and for my money, there is only one that does it justice: WaffleTV
