Are You in a Sunk Cost Relationship?

I was sitting in my favorite cafe recently, listening to a close friend as she poured out her heart. She and her husband had just celebrated their 21st wedding anniversary, and what should have been a celebratory conversation was anything but. She shared about how beautiful the early years of their marriage were but that her experience had been more painful than joyous for longer than she’d like to admit. Her voice trembled as she recounted the countless hours she had invested, the sacrifices she had made, and the memories they had shared—many good, but in the past years most painful or mediocre. There was a lot more to it, of course, but to me, it was clear that it was time to move on. When I asked her what leaving would look like, she hesitated. “I’ve just put so much into this,” she said, “I can’t just walk away now. I have so much fear.”

Her situation is a classic example of a sunk cost relationship. It’s a term borrowed from economics, where a “sunk cost” refers to an expense that has already been incurred and cannot be recovered. In relationships, this concept translates into continuing a partnership not because it brings joy, fulfillment, or even basic support—but because of the significant time, effort, and emotional investment already made.

In economics, rational decision-making involves ignoring sunk costs when considering future actions. However, human emotions and psychology are not economics. This area of life is complex, deeply nuanced, and far from a list of assets and losses on a balance sheet. We tend to fall into the sunk cost fallacy, believing that we need to stick with something because of the past investments, even when it’s clear that leaving would be the better option.

How do you know that you’ve fallen into a sunk cost fallacy when it comes to your partnership? There are a few different signs:

Overvaluing the Past

Like my friend, many people stay in relationships because they overvalue the time, energy, and resources they’ve already invested. The idea of “wasting” these investments by leaving feels unbearable.

Fear of Regret

The fear of regret is a powerful motivator. People worry that if they leave, they might regret their decision, fearing they haven’t tried hard enough or might miss out on potential future happiness.

Peer Pressures

External pressures from friends, family, or society can reinforce the haze of sunk cost fallacy. Expectations to maintain relationships, especially long-term ones, can make the decision to leave even harder. What will our family think? What will happen to our children? Will I lose my community? All are examples of this kind of unhelpful pressure.

Emotional Attachment

Deep emotional bonds make it difficult to let go. Even if the relationship is currently unhealthy, the memories of better times and the emotional attachment formed over the years can keep people tethered.

Acknowledging that you’re in a sunk cost relationship is the first step toward making a change. Relationships do take effort however that effort should be shared. If time and time again, you are the only one putting in the work to keep the relationship afloat, you may want to consider whether this relationship can really fulfill you for the next 10, 20, or 30 years.

Understanding that there is way forward is the next step. I’ll say here what I have said many times and what I shared with my friend: make your relationship work or leave the relationship. Life is too short to be unhappy, or to be in that place of “it’s ok, but it’s not great.” Life is going to be hard—your relationship should not be. It’s what’s meant to help you get through the hard times. A source of sustenance that brings you up, not down. Believing that this kind of relationship exists for you is vital to moving on. Here are a few questions based on the above criteria to help you get started:

Looking to the Future > Overvaluing the Past

Looking to the future allows us to embrace new opportunities and possibilities for growth, rather than being weighed down by past investments that no longer serve our well-being. By focusing on what lies ahead, we can make decisions that align with our current values and goals, leading to a more fulfilling and purposeful life. What kind of relationship do you want and what can you do today to get there?

Trusting the Process > Fear of Regret

Trusting the process of life allows us to embrace growth, to welcome our soul’s transformation, and to see unexpected opportunities. This mindset is more empowering than being paralyzed by the fear of regret, which can hinder progress and keep us anchored in the past—and in unhealthy relationships. If I could wave a magic wand and guarantee you’d have no regrets, what choices would you make today?

Following Your Heart > Peer Pressures

When we listen to our intuition and follow our heart, we say yes to our authentic self, allowing us to live a life that aligns with our true values and passions. Succumbing to peer pressure or any idea of what other people want leads us in the opposite direction. Choosing ourselves and our happiness is the only way to live our most fulfilled life. If you remove the influence of other people in your life and fears about they may think, what clarity arises?

Letting Go > Emotional Attachment

Letting go of emotional attachment to the wrong person allows you to free yourself from unnecessary pain and opens up the possibility for healthier and more fulfilling relationships. The act of releasing an expired bond, while painful in the moment, is also a release of something that is draining your energy and keeping you stuck. Time travel five years in the future and see yourself in a loving, supportive relationship—are you willing to feel the discomfort and pain required to get there?

Many of us can relate to feeling stuck in a situation, whether in romantic relationships, friendships, or even professional scenarios. The realization is a difficult one and the path forward can be equally uncomfortable—but discomfort is a sign that we’re growing. Recognizing a sunk cost relationship and choosing to move on isn’t about giving up, it’s quite the opposite. it’s about saying yes to yourself and your future over past investments. Sunk cost relationships may be more complex than sunk cost investments but the solution to both is simple and the same. Let go of what is no longer working so that you can create something that does. It might even be better than anything you could imagine.

Sunk costs in relationships refer to the expenditures and investments of our energy and the thing about energy is that it is never wasted. While the energy spent may not manifest the way you intended it to, it will be used in some other way. In this case, teaching you more about yourself and how you can better show up in future relationships, both for yourself and your partner. That sounds like a beautiful return on an investment to me.

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