When “I Can’t” Means “I Don’t Want To!”
Let me set the scene: You decide to teach someone something so that they can become independent. So you’re not solely responsible for a task that could easily be shared. Sounds good, right? Look at you, delegating, sharing knowledge, empowering others with know-how! But…during the demonstration, does that person then get angry and frustrated and purposefully overcomplicate even the simplest of tasks?
Two words: Weaponized. Incompetence. It is a behavior pattern in which a person will, intentionally or unintentionally, pretend to be bad at a task in order to avoid responsibility.
It’s infuriating and exceedingly effective. Why would you teach them when it will take you 3x longer than just doing it yourself in perpetuity, ON REPEAT?
Weaponized incompetence also sounds like this:
“I don’t have the patience or the eye for detail that you have.”
“I mean, I did my best.”
“Babe, you’re just better at this than me.”
“Can’t you just do it? It’s so much easier for you.”
This one shows up in relationships frequently. Kristen and Scott have been married for five years and both have full-time jobs and busy schedules. They figured that if they split household chores evenly, they would be creating more time to spend together. Sounds like a pretty great plan, right? In theory, absolutely, but in practice it was something less ideal. Scott often claims he can’t make the bed as neatly as Kristen or load the dishwasher correctly, and despite Kristen’s repeated demonstrations, his haphazard execution continues—leaving Kristen to pick-up the slack or even entirely redo these tasks.
Fake incompetence has entered the chat.
Many of us have experienced a version of this, whether it’s our spouse, teenagers, our coworkers (maybe even ourselves!) Weaponized incompetence may seem like a mild frustration in the moment but when it becomes chronic, it can lead to deep resentment
Relationships, whether personal or professional, thrive on mutual respect, collaboration, and effort—all things that require balance. to Identifying weaponized incompetence can be challenging, as it often masquerades as genuine ignorance or lack of skill but these are a few ways it can show up:
Always Messing Up the Same Chores
A spouse who consistently does a bad job at simple, specific things even though they are entirely competent in other areas.
Avoiding the Jobs They Don’t Like
They might claim they aren’t good at making the bed but they are an expert mechanic. In other words, it has nothing to do with their competence…
Not Attempting to Improve
Despite receiving repeated guidance on how to clean or organize, they continue to shirk the responsibility or make the same mistakes.
Always Has an Excuse
Whether it’s oversleeping, having too many deadlines at work, or having simply forgotten, there is always a reason it hasn’t been done.
These examples might help you suss it out but addressing it is an entirely different story and takes a bit more finesse—especially because weaponized incompetence is often masking difficult feelings like insecurity or self-judgment. This certainly doesn’t mean it should go unaddressed though and the conversation through it can actually be a wonderful opportunity for greater intimacy. Here are a few ways to begin:
Communicate Openly (and with Compassion)
Initiate a calm and honest conversation about the behavior. Something like, “I feel overwhelmed when I have to redo tasks that we agreed to share” initiates vulnerability without making the other person feel accused.
Set Clear Expectations
Clearly outline the responsibilities and expectations for each person. Make sure tasks are divided fairly and that each person understands their role. It may be as simple as swapping tasks to honor each other’s strengths or trading off the most undesirable ones so they never fall on the same person for too long.
Encourage Accountability
This one is especially powerful for our kids. Encouraging them to take ownership of their tasks helps to foster accountability but also confidence. Offer support and guidance when needed, but avoid stepping in to complete the task for them.
In Hebrew, the word for “challenges and tests” is the same as the word for “elevation.” Often, those challenges also contain something of the unknown which, as Kabbalah teaches, holds more blessings than the known. So when something is difficult and challenging, be on the lookout for the blessings! Whether you’re addressing the weaponized incompetence in yourself or another, there is a blessing in the conflict just waiting to be uncovered.
Weaponized incompetence can undermine trust and respect in any relationship but it doesn’t have to and bringing awareness to it—in yourself and others—creates an environment where growth is encouraged. Bringing consciousness to the behavior and addressing it constructively will help you work toward a more equitable and harmonious partnership and household. Weaponized incompetence can become the doorway to everyone experiencing just how competent they truly actually are. Who wouldn’t love that?
The post When “I Can’t” Means “I Don’t Want To!” appeared first on Monica Berg.
