I think I’m a Merarite

My whole life I’ve been told that my highest and holiest service would happen in the temple. As a child I sang about attending the temple as my sacred duty. I listened to countless stories about how people were blessed as they made sacrifices to attend the temple. I was excited to go to the temple and see what all the fuss was about. 

Then I went to the temple and discovered that I didn’t like it. 

For me the temple was somehow simultaneously stressful and boring. I’d worry about being judged for forgetting things, being the last to get dressed, or for doing something wrong. When I wasn’t worrying, I was sitting there wondering if this was really the best use of my time. 

Occasionally, I would have flashes of insight or peace that made me feel going to the temple had been worth it – but I’d wonder if maybe I could have achieved those same feelings if I’d been able to sit quietly in a garden or go on a hike.  

For a long time I felt like there was something wrong with me because I thought I was the only LDS woman in the whole world who struggled with the temple. Then I found the Exponent and read many stories about faithful women struggling with their relationship with the temple. For the first time I knew I wasn’t the only one. I also felt seen when I listened to the temple episodes of the At Last She Said It Podcast.

Even though I now know that I’m not the only woman who struggles with the temple – I still kind of feel like it in my current ward. Many lessons and discussions often focus on the temple. People make comments about how serving in the temple is a joy. 

There are many Sunday’s where I find myself wondering, “What’s wrong with me?”

As I’ve pondered about this I’ve realized that I think I might be a Merarite, or maybe a Gershonite, or even a Kohathite. 

Let me explain. In the book of Numbers as God is giving the rules and laws about the tabernacle he charges the tribe of Levi to be in charge of the tabernacle. The most obvious part of this is that Levites were the only Israelites allowed to be priests. They were the ones who served in the tabernacle – offering sacrifices and doing other important rituals. 

However, the ritual work wasn’t the only thing the Levites were in charge of. They were also in charge of moving the tabernacle from place to place. Specific subsets, or clans, of the tribe of Levi had specific duties when it came to moving the tabernacle. 

You can read all about it in Numbers 4, but for simplicity’s sake here’s the breakdown. The Kohathites were in charge of the objects inside the temple like the Ark of the Covenant. Think of them as the furniture movers. The Gershonites moved the curtains and ropes and coverings from inside the temple. They could be considered the decorators. And the Merarites took down and moved all the poles and fabric that made up the walls of the Tabernacle. They were the movers or builders. 

For me, the task of taking down and setting up the fabric walls of the tabernacle as the Children of Israel moved from place to place sounds a whole lot more interesting than working inside the temple on a day to day basis. 

Knowing that not all Levites were tasked with serving inside the temple has freed up my ideas of how God wants me to serve. What are the poles and fabric that need moving in the world around me?

For example, last winter I volunteered once a week at a newly created Warming Center in my city. People without a warm place to stay could come to the Warming Center overnight and sleep there. The center provided cots, blankets, pillows, and some easily prepared food items like Cup of Noodles or instant oatmeal. 

Since this was the first year the center was in operation, a huge amount of time was spent figuring out how to organize and store the many donations that were coming in. I love to organize things and make order out of chaos. Many times my weekly service would be spent organizing clothing, or helping rotate the food so that the food with the oldest expiration dates would be served first. I’d help keep the supply room orderly so that it was easy to hand out blankets and pillows to the guests. 

During the four months I volunteered at the center I often told my husband, “I would so much rather serve here once a week than serve at the temple. This service actually feels meaningful.”

As I look back at the ways I’ve offered service throughout my life, it’s the physical service that stands out – not the temple service. Here’s a sampling of the service I’ve enjoyed giving. (And this is cumulative over years, don’t think I’m doing all of this simultaneously.) 

Digging a trench for a sprinkler system that a community group was installing to water plants at a neglected corner of town.Helping a friend pack for a move. Babysitting children so the parents can do something together.    Helping clean up the debris during a community project to re-roof an apartment complex for low income families.Planting bulbs outside the temple. Writing Come, Follow Me lesson plans for the Exponent.Making dinner for a friend recovering from surgery. Helping a friend clean up after a big Christmas event on her property.Picking up neighbor children after school when their parents can’t make the pick up time.Serving as Treasurer for the Parent Teacher Organization at the elementary school.Helping my own kids with homework or big emotions.Planting flowers in my yard to make the area beautiful. (I’ve had many people tell me that my flowers cheer them up.)Sitting in Relief Society with an adult women with developmental disabilities so her mother can serve in the library.Sanding rusty spots on the metal fence of a temple so it could be repainted. Setting up tables and chairs for an event my neighbor was in charge of at the church. Donating money to help buy fleece for a quilt tying service project my stake did at Youth Conference.Ushering at the local symphony concerts. (This was a little self serving because it got me free admission to the concerts. But it helped out my ministering sister who was in charge of finding ushers.)Helping a local group set up and clean up for free clothing swap events for hundreds of patrons. Vacuuming the temple when it was my ward’s turn to help clean the temple.Hosting a Ladies Scripture Study Group at my house.Volunteering for my friends campaign for a local political office. (She won!)

Now when I sit in church and hear about how great the temple is I tell myself that there’s nothing wrong with me for not feeling fulfilled by temple service. I tell myself that I’m a Merarite. I’m in charge of moving the poles and the fabric. Other people can find meaning and fulfillment in the ritual service. That’s good for them. But I have my own gifts and my own callings that God wants me to do. That’s where I should be serving. 

What about you? Do you have ways of serving that are more meaningful to you than the temple? What are the poles and fabric that you have been called to move?

This picture is not of the storage room at the warming center. But it certainly reminds me of it. Photo by CHUTTERSNAP on Unsplash