Over and Over Again
So many times over the years I was caught in wonder. I watched in amazement, as I witnessed the simple magic that some people seemed to carry without effort or even awareness.
For years, I progressed through various stages of emotional response – first jealousy and fear, then admiration, yearning, seeking.
These people inspired me. At every phase and stage, whether by pushing me or pulling me, I couldn’t help but be moved by the knowledge that this type of person even existed.
That type of person.
The kind of person who somehow finds the silver lining even in the midst of a hurricane.
The kind of person who seems unbothered by the shadows in others, even when cast their way.
The kind of person who walked, and talked, and spoke with a lightness. As if the world could not force its gravity upon them.
And so I set out on my own journey, not because of them, but perhaps in part thanks to them. For showing me that there ‘must be’ a way.
Years have passed since the last time I looked to another person’s journey to find my own way, but now looking back I imagine that if I’d asked them back then, ‘how do you do it’, I think I might know what they’d say.
I think they’d say over and over and over again.
It takes being courageous enough to look. Looking in the mirror. At the past, at the roots, and cycles, and trends. Looking at relationships, your fears and dreams. Looking at the beauty and the darkness within and around. Looking at your enemies and your friends.
Looking even when you thought you saw it all. Looking even when you’d rather not. Looking when it hurts. And looking when the beauty of it almost shines too bright.
It takes looking. Over and over and over again.
I think they’d say it takes forgiving. Forgiving yourself. For all of the shadows only you can see. For the things that were hidden, silenced, feared, or blamed. And forgiving others for all of the ways that their shadows come out, and are amplified, for all of the same.
It takes forgiving each time your mind goes autopilot. Forgiving every time someone lashes out because they’re trying to hide. Forgiving every time you fall. And every time you maybe take a little too long to rise.
It takes forgiving. Over and over and over again.
It takes letting go. And opening up. It takes humility and a certain kind of death. It takes burning to ash and rising again. It takes making time to reflect, to meditate, to observe, to pray.
Over and over and over again.
Maybe some people are born that way. Gentle and kind and giving. Maybe some people are planted like little seeds in such rich soil that they grow into that lightness with ease.
Maybe.
But when I imagine what that kind of person would say if they were asked how they do it? I imagine they’d say it’s by practicing the simplest things. Like tiny little steps that eventually grow longer.
Over and over and over again.
©️Cristen Writes
