Guest Post: Identity Expansion

By Melissa

I’ve been experiencing an identity crisis for the past four years. No, let’s call it an identity expansion. It’s actually been creeping up on me much longer, but I’ve felt the acute effects of it in the past year or so, more strongly than before. I know I’m not alone in this, but I also know other women have dealt with it better than I.

It all started when I had a faith crisis . . . no, no, I mean a “faith expansion.” Then my kids went back to school. I took a Jennifer Finlayson-Fife class — or two, or three, or four, if you add a paid podcast subscription on the pile. This helped with some of the symptoms I was feeling. But add “trying to differentiate from my husband and the church” to new symptoms I was feeling, and the expansion felt like it might burst me wide open.

I tried talking to my mother about it, but when I started asking, “Do you remember when. . ?” she responded, “No, no I don’t.” Clearly my mother had buried some feelings way down deep in order to be at peace with the identity she chose, but didn’t really choose because she was guided/guilted into it. I however, remember my mother laying on the couch all afternoon into the evening, asking me to help brown the ground beef while she continued to lay in her depression on the couch.

My father was away three months at a time serving in the Idaho state legislature. He’d come home on the weekends, but my mom was the lone parent during the week. He did this for nine years of my child/teenage-hood. My dad was also a successful attorney and my mom stayed at home to raise five kids. I was fourth in the line up and remember wanting to be around my mother until the third grade, which was when my dad entered the legislature. After that, I have many memories of a very bitter and resentful mom who was scary to be around. My mom’s time was consumed with church callings, and she was told in very patronizing ways that her most important value was in her kids and her contributions to the church.

My mom had mentioned that when she heard the infamous Benson talk about mothers needing to stay at home because it was selfish to do otherwise, she swept out the entire garage afterward to blow off steam. To get her to speak on this now or how she lived her life is an anxiety-ridden conversation that neither of us want to have with each other.

So here I am, in a semi-similar situation as my mother, that of a stay-at-home mom who put off her career long enough that starting over feels fruitless. There are so many avenues to take now that the path forward feels very daunting. That’s the sticky side of comfort. There is no one with a sword at my back forcing me to jump off a plank. I am not my family’s sole provider. But I’ll be damned if I lay on my couch and resent what could have been. I will choose to do my life differently now.

Melissa is your typical Euro/Scandinavian Utahan that actually claims Idaho (where she was born and raised) as her home. She majored in Business at Utah State, but had a midlife crisis after her kids went back to school and became an AEMT responding to 911 calls in SLC and teaching advanced EMT classes. She most enjoys being outdoors with her family hiking, canyoneering, and skiing.