Confronting Bullies and Finding Forgiveness

Confronting bullies and finding forgiveness are themes I address in AnnaGrey and the Constellation. At one point, Grey has to get out of her comfort zone and confront Cross Silverstone, the boy who bullies her, only to be humiliated in front of everyone at school. When her dad tries to get her to discuss it, she says, “I can’t talk about it and relive those awful moments of putting myself out there to talk to Cross, only to find myself on the dirty carpet while every kid in school surrounded me and laughed.”

This event was partially inspired by something that happened when I was younger. I wasn’t the victim of bullying the way so many other kids are, but I did feel hurt and betrayed by someone who I thought was a friend. I asked him what I had done to make him not like me anymore and why we couldn’t just be friends again. He said something that I’ve never forgotten: “I just hate your freaking guts.”

This could have broken me. I was lucky, though, to have had so many other friends by my side. Over the years, this event would come back to me, and I’d spent a few moments trying to recall anything I said or did to this boy to make him dislike me. And then I realized I knew all along. He had told me he liked me as more than a friend, but I didn’t think he was serious because I had such low self-esteem. I didn’t believe anyone like him could actually care about someone like me.

My insecurity caused me to play off his feelings as a joke, embarrassing him and hurting him. It caused me to lose a friend.

Even now, a part of me thinks that this wasn’t the case. He could simply not have liked the person I was. That’s something I can’t fix because universal likability isn’t an achievable goal. I only wish I could take back the hurt I caused. Changing the past is a theme I’m currently exploring in a manuscript draft. I’m not sure what will come of it yet, but it’s an interesting study about regret.

How many times have you put yourself out there only to be dismissed? How many times have you wished you could change something you said or did? Forgiving others and even forgiving ourselves is its own type of magic. We might not be able to change the past, but we can embrace our mistakes and do better in the present and future.
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