Deliberate Optimism

(Nimue)

Most of the time, optimism is something I have to work at deliberately. Experience has taught me to expect the worst, and it’s far too easy to get into panic-brain mode. Panicking leads to imagining the most terrible outcomes. I have a powerful enough imagination to be able to go to some pretty awful places at high speed.

There’s nothing irrational about it. I can reliably trace the panic back to specific events – and in some cases to lengthy periods of my life. The trick is remembering that just because something has gone horribly wrong in the past, doesn’t mean its bound to be the same this time.

This also can have its downsides. Optimism in face of experience can just set you up for the next fall. If someone fails you, and apologises and you go another round and the same thing happens… and happens again… there’s certainly a point at which giving up is a good idea. The triumph of optimism over experience is not reliably the winning move.

I want to think the best of people, expect the best, be hopeful and stay cheerful. I don’t want to be cynical, cautious and spend my time second guessing everyone else’s motives and intentions. There’s a kind of grace in the wilful naivety that makes it possible to have another go.

So much of this comes down to the kinds of stories we tell ourselves. In our stories, we attach meanings to experience. Including meanings like; this proves there’s no point trying, no point trusting or being available or vulnerable. We’re all in the process of turning our experiences into stories that will guide our future choices. All too often, that happens in unconscious ways – as with how my panic-thinking tends to go. The trick is to take control of the story and be deliberate about it.

Mostly I’m choosing deliberate optimism and hoping for the best. I’m also thinking carefully about where the edges need to be, and at what point people making the same mistakes should be treated as a deal breaker. I prefer to assume incompetence rather than malice. However, there does come a point where there is no meaningful difference between the two anyway, and at that point optimism is not a good choice.