What am I expecting from social medias?

What am I expecting from social medias?

Lately I've been through a lot of internal questions regarding my social medias usage, deciding to stop my Mastodon instance and almost leaving the whole network. Reading some reactions made me realise that doing so would mean losing the little connection I had with some people I liked, but that I also failed in the way I was using the network by not being clear on what I was expecting.

I've been using social medias since before Facebook, through Parano.be. Social Medias made me encounter most of my nowadays friend circle, it has been a way to discover new people, build bridges based on shared interests, ... I wouldn't be who I am today without it. Suffise to say that social medias didn't evolve the right way hence why I removed myself from Facebook and Twitter.

Still I think it build a crave inside of me for some sort of digital fame. While I tried my best not to admit it, I realise that a part of me wanted to have more followers, more likes, more whatever. And while I removed every bit of analytics on my blog and use it solely to clear my mind, I couldn't help but feel a hint of deception when I got no feedback.

I also used social medias to filter the news (as I stopped watching or reading them) but at the same time I grew tired of the bigger and bigger polarisation. It was where I got caught in my own trap where I followed too much people and was afraid to unfollow people that brought noise in my mind. So instead of leaving Mastodon, I took a u-turn and unfollowed a lot of people, trying to trim down the followers to people I liked to exchange with and discover. Tried to be a bit more parsimonious with my attention and time.

I hate that a part of myself succumbed to the serotonin digital boosts and I took it as a personal failure but... I'm still just human. This part of me that seeks recognition, acceptance, connection has always existed and I just have a hard time to accept it with its faults. I don't have to be loved by everyone, I don't have to be "validated". I have to learn to accept the space I take on the Internet with its strenghts and weaknesses, imperfect as it is and go with it.