Lost in the Temple

I have a recurring dream/nightmare where I’m lost in the temple. These dreams started several years before I went through the temple for my endowment and then continued after. 

The dreams come about once or twice a year. 

In the dream I’m attending the temple. I turn the wrong way down a corridor, and then spend the rest of the dream trying to find my way back. 

Nothing malicious or scary ever happens in these dreams. It’s just me wandering around trying to find my way back. There are long corridors and sometimes some unusual rooms. Once there was a waterfall cascading down the stairs in an endowment room with theater style seating – that was weird. 

I always thought these dreams were tied to my anxiety around the temple. In real life I’m afraid of not knowing where to go inside the temple. I’m often afraid of getting lost. Whenever I go to the temple, even if it’s one I’ve been to before, I will check with EVERY temple worker to make sure I’m going the right way toward the dressing room, the chapel, the restrooms, the exit, etc. 

So it makes sense that I’d have dreams that play out my fear of taking a wrong turn. 

However, now I think these dreams represent something more. I think these dreams represent that I feel lost theologically when I’m in the temple. 

I’ve been trying to make sense of the temple ever since my first endowment session in 2007. There was so much information to process: The clothes, the symbols, the actions, the standing, the sitting, the extra clothes, removing the extra clothes only to put them on again, the words, the repetitiveness, the movement between rooms, etc. 

It was a lot. 

I tried so hard to understand it. I figured I could understand it. I was born into a multi-generation LDS family that went to church every week. I went to Girls Camp every year. I graduated from Seminary. I’d read the Book of Mormon countless time. Also, I’m a smart person. I got good grades in tough subjects at school. I’d learned to analyze poetry, to solve multivariable equations, and write essays on the French Revolution. The temple was just another complex thing to learn about. 

But on that first visit all I ended up with was a headache. 

“Don’t worry about it,”  My soon-to-be husband said, “It’s weird for everyone on the first visit. Just go more often, it will eventually make sense.”

But no matter how hard I tried to understand the temple it never really made sense. 

No One To Talk To

One of the problems was that there was no one to talk to about the temple. I’d taken temple prep and I guess everyone assumed that class had all the answers. But I wanted some sort of post-endowment class. One where someone said, “Okay, now that you’ve been through the temple we can talk about what certain things mean.” But there was NOTHING like that. 

I was told not to talk about the temple outside of the temple. It was too sacred. There was nowhere I could go to bring up my questions. I assumed I was the only one with questions. I thought that my questions must be a sign of spiritual weakness. Maybe there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t understand or enjoy the temple like everyone else seemed to be doing. 

So I did what my husband and so many other people suggested, I tried to go more often. I hoped that things would start to make sense. But I was just as confused. Concentrating hard to try to understand things resulted in headaches. After a while I found it was best if I didn’t try to pay attention when I went to the temple. I’d zone out and wish for it to be over soon. 

Changes Without Explanation 

The other problem was that the temple kept changing. For a long time I didn’t see the changes as a problem. Some of the changes were slight. I first went through an endowment session in May of 2007. There was a lot of standing in that first session. At some point in the next few months the church changed things so there was less standing. 

Other changes were big. In 2019 Eve’s covenantal relationship with God was completely reworked. That represented a huge change in theology. We were instructed not to talk about it outside the temple though.

Here’s a sampling of the things that changed over the years after I received my endowment. These aren’t in any sort of order. 

The movies were updated.One whole section of adding the extra clothes was eliminated. Eve talked more. The movies were changed to a slide show.  We didn’t take our shoes off just to put them right back on.Jesus Christ’s earthly mission was more prominent

I applauded each of these changes. I felt they showed progress. Things were getting streamlined. Revelation was bringing the ceremony into a more enlightened state. Whoever was in charge cared about our comfort.

I thought things would keep on improving. Maybe I’d eventually understand everything related to the ceremony.

As I look back at all these changes I see that while they represented progress they were actually hurting my understanding of the temple. The changes themselves were fine. It was the way they were done that was the problem. 

The changes were barely acknowledged. A statement “from the First Presidency” would be read at the beginning of the session. It would state that changes were made to the endowment from time to time. Then the session would start and everyone would just take in the changes as they came. After it was over everyone would be in the Celestial Room having whispered conversations about how “that was SO much better!” People would say things like, “I understand things clearer!”

I’d be happy. And happy was good. 

But underneath the happy – in a place I didn’t acknowledge – were questions. Why were things the way they were for so long? What prompted this change? Why did I have to struggle through the old way of doing things if it wasn’t actually necessary? Will there be more changes? Who makes these decisions? Is there a way to talk to them about this? 

No wonder I was having recurring dreams about being lost in the temple. I WAS lost in the temple.

The changes were good, but they were the equivalent of new doors being added. Or long hallways opening to new rooms. They were like stadium seating in the endowment room with a waterfall cascading down the stairs. I had no one to explain what these new additions meant or why they were there. 

And that brings us to the present. Two weeks ago the church released updated temple recommend questions about the wearing of the Temple Garment. The Temple Recommend interview will now include a statement that will be read to everyone seeking a recommend. 

The first sentence reads: “The garment of the holy priesthood reminds us of the veil in the temple, and that veil is symbolic of Jesus Christ.”

I couldn’t believe it when I read that statement. I’d never been taught that the garment represented the veil of the temple or that the veil is a symbol of Jesus Christ. Yet this statement was so matter of fact about this new theology. The statement made it seem like this was common knowledge. It’s like the statement was saying, “didn’t you know this? You must have missed it because you weren’t paying attention. Or maybe you didn’t go enough? It’s really quite clear if you’d read this certain book. Why is this new to you?”

As I’ve worked through my feelings about this latest change – in a long line of changes that were barely talked about – I realize I’m done with feeling lost in the temple. 

As long as the temple is a mysterious place that isn’t fully explained, as long as it’s a place where I can’t ask questions, as long as it’s a place where I feel spiritually deficient for having questions, as long as it’s a place where changes happen with barely an explanation, then I’m out. I’m not going there.

I’m done returning to a place where I’m supposed to learn things without being given a guide or instructor. I’m done with feeling like I’m somehow less than because I have questions about something that has never been explained to me.

I’m done wandering in ever changing corridors.

Photo by Robin Schreiner on Unsplash