Guest Post: Who Has the Power in 2024?

by Megan Buhler

This year–
in the year 2024–
my bishop asked my husband
First
Before extending a calling to me.

They sat in his office.
Not that long, my husband defended later
But long enough to talk about how the calling
would impact my family.
I wasn’t there for that conversation.

When they came out,
the bishop invited me in.
My husband and both
of the bishop’s counselors followed.
Four men looking at me.
All knowing why we were there.
But not me.

Your husband said it won’t be a problem
for you to serve in this calling
Despite him also serving in a calling that will
require you to both be in a lot of meetings
Sometimes at the same time.
Is he right?

I can see why he would say that
because our children are teens and tweens
and don’t need a babysitter
or to come along.
Like when I took two kids under two to ward council
Because we both needed to be there.
But I was the one that got them up early,
dressed them, fed them, packed a bag,
and left when they cried.

The bishop changed the subject quickly,
and didn’t
ask me
how this calling would impact
my family.
Asking if my husband is right
isn’t the same as
asking me.

My voice is not normally silenced
but that day,
with four men looking at me,
who all knew before me
why we were there,
I couldn’t find my words to say
Ask me.
Include me
in the conversation.

Later, as our callings collided with the needs
of our family,
I raged at my husband.
Why didn’t you speak up? he asked.
Why didn’t you? I shouted.
You were the one included in the conversation.
The one that was asked first.

I sought solace in women
A friend. My mom.
My grandma. My book club.
They gasped in shock that this happened
this year
in 2024.

At a Relief Society presidency meeting
I tentatively told my story
and got whispered responses.
Our husbands were also
asked first.

I made an appointment to meet with my bishop.
I sat in the celestial room at the temple
for a long time
trying to sort out my feelings.
I wrote out what I wanted to say.
I took a copy of the handbook section
on extending callings.

I tried to stay curious,
because angry women aren’t heard.
I explained how it felt to me.

Why are you telling me this?
he asked.

Because if someone felt the way
I do.
I would want them to tell me.
Because I don’t want any other women
to feel this way.

Are you saying I did it wrong?
he asked.
Yes, I said, showing him the handbook.
He waved it away.
Maybe not in that section
but somewhere
in the handbook
it says that I should ask a husband
before calling a woman.

No, it doesn’t, I said.
It hasn’t for a very long time.
I’m in my forties and
have never
had someone ask my husband first.
Those other wards and stakes
followed the handbook.

Well, he said, even if it doesn’t say it
I’m sure there’s room for me
as bishop to use my discretion.
How could I know if you are worthy to serve
if I don’t ask the priesthood holder
in your home?

This year
in 2024
my worthiness depends
on the judgment of my husband
who was asked first.

So when Sister Dennis said
at the Relief Society broadcast
in March 2024
“There is no other religious organization in the world
that I know of
that has so broadly given power and authority
to women.”
I was angry.

This is gaslighting, I typed on social media.
How can she say that
when my experience
right now
in 2024
is that my husband
was asked first
and I wasn’t included in the conversation
about how a calling would impact my family.

I emailed my stake president
a copy of my Facebook comment
about his dad,
who is my bishop,
asking my husband first.

Would you like to talk about this? I asked.
There’s a social media firestorm because this hit a nerve
and it’s likely you’ll hear about my comment
from someone anyway.

I’d be happy to listen he said
and he did.
You feel unheard he said.
I appreciate that he listened.
I appreciate that he doesn’t extend callings
by asking the husband first.

But there were no gasps
no outrage
no righteous indignation
like when I told women
because he can’t imagine how it would feel
or why it is such a problem.

Help me understand
why this is a problem for you, he said,
and raised his eyebrows
as I tried to explain
that asking my husband first
makes me feel like property.

Bishops are just volunteers, he said.
I can try to do some training
but don’t expect it to change right away.

This is how I know
this year
in 2024
women in my church
have no power
unless given by men
which means we really don’t have
any power
at all.

Megan lives with her husband, 3 kids, and a puppy in Taylorsville, Utah. She loves books, working in the elementary school library, and is a member of too many book clubs.