Guest Post: I Read the New Policy Today

by Stephanie Sorensen

I read the new policy today.

“Worthy sisters who desire to receive their own endowment may do so if they’re at least eighteen years old, have completed or are no longer attending high school, secondary school, or the equivalent, one full year has passed since their confirmation, and they feel a desire to receive and honor temple covenants throughout their lives.”

How different would things have played out for me had this new policy been in place when I was the too-young woman, just shy of 23, and turned away?

It wasn’t just my age (22 1/2) that disqualified me. It turns out, they didn’t like that my fiance would occasionally look at images of naked women on the internet. They told us his “addiction” made him unworthy to be sealed in the temple. And if we weren’t going to be sealed in the temple, then my endowment was canceled, no longer approved (old policy). A euphemism for: you’re not an autonomous being; you’re an appendage of your future husband; you’re worthiness is his worthiness is your worthiness.

All of this on the week of our wedding. Did I mention that? Announcements already sent, with “SLC Temple” inscribed. Oh, just a quick change of venue. No biggie. Who needs a castle when you have a cultural hall?

I read the new policy today.

How different would things have played out for me had this policy been in place when I was the innocent, trusting girl looking to her Priesthood Leaders to guide and counsel her?

Would my heart have been only half-broken—instead of entirely—if I’d been allowed my endowment? Despite already losing the sealing? And the Mormon fairy tale? The fulfillment of my feminine covenant path, the highest glory a woman can aspire to? Would my shelf have held out that much longer, withstanding the mounting pressure? Would I have been only half-numb at my own thrown-together wedding, instead of mostly-dead?

And if I could go back and start again under this new policy—would I? The me back then wouldn’t have to think about it. A resounding YES! But today me? It would mean prolonging the inevitable. Because if it wasn’t the revoked permission for my endowment, what would have been the next ice pick to my chest?

The inability to baptize or confirm my children.
The treatment of LGBTQ folks.
The historical cover-ups.
The financial scandals.
The sexual abuse.
The mind f*cks.
The shame.
The shame.
The shame.

I read the new policy today.

And I’m putting myself into the Sunday shoes of those women, freshly 18 (or 25, or 42, or 79), sitting across the Bishop’s desk having just been granted permission to be endowed. Feeling their joy. Celebrating their rite of passage. Reveling in their freedom to choose for themselves the timing of their covenant-making, separate from missions, or marriage, or men. (Well, almost, because we can’t forget about the Bishop’s all-powerful, pending stamp of approval. At least I can’t.)

And I’m genuinely happy for them. Profoundly grateful that they’ll never know the kind of heartbreak I experienced. Or the public shaming, loss of respect, or stinging gossip.

Until I remember the all-too-true truth. That heartbreak will find them one way or another. Because no matter where one stands on the spectrum of orthodoxy, you don’t get there by accident. It’s our heartbreak that moves us to advocacy, diplomacy, and sometimes even heresy. It’s the inevitable outcome when you’re a Woman in a Man’s church.

Stephanie is a birth and rebirth mentor who helps women reclaim themselves amidst significant life transitions. She has had various essays and poems published and is currently working on two larger non-fiction works: a spiritual memoir in essay and a birth-preparation book that explores maternal metamorphosis. IG: @sjs_muse (for writing) and @bhava_birth (for birth and rebirth mentoring)