Guest Post: My Neck Hurts
by Anonymous
When I first read the post, I had to do a double take. Were they being serious? It has to be a joke. It has to. I started scrolling through the comments and felt probably every emotion on the emotion wheel. I started to cry, probably out of frustration, but mostly because the feeling of camaraderie was so strong. It also felt like a game of Secret Hitler when all the fascists reveal themselves and you’re like, “Wait, YOU’RE a fascist TOO?!” So many friends and family members were commenting and all I could think of was, “Wait, you see the sexism too?!”
Remember that one General Conference talk where President Monson told the story about the military guy who stood alone while all the other religions were told where to meet for church? The moral of the story being he wasn’t alone. He “stood up” for his religion even when he thought he was the only one. Then he turned around and saw a bunch of other people standing too and everyone in the conference center had goosebumps and was crying from the spirit. That’s the feeling I had reading the comments. 8,000+ comments of women saying the same things I felt. Maybe it was the spirit? Maybe it was relief that I wasn’t alone? Either way, I loved it.
A brief bit of background. I’m a very outspoken feminist, but I also love the core doctrine of the LDS church. I grew up with all brothers, so as soon as I saw them advancing in church, I started asking questions and I haven’t stopped. I want to stay, I really do. But I absolutely will not stop ruffling feathers if I stay. My husband on the other hand sees the inequities (and sketchy financial stuff, etc.) and wants nothing to do with a “corrupt organization run by men instead of God.” We are both respectful of each other’s beliefs and comfort each other when one is frustrated about something. My poor husband probably needs a neck massage from the whiplash he’s experienced in the last 72 hours.
After reading the post I ran to his office and vented. “How could this make it through their PR team?” “You see the issue, right? I’m not being overly sensitive?” “I’m so done with this. I’m leaving.” “No, I can’t leave, I have to stay to make a difference.” “Oh, I have an idea for a comment, I’ll be right back.” After posting my own comment, I got a notification each time someone I followed also commented. I was loving that. I loved seeing all these secret feminists come out of the shadows. I loved what they had to say. Many were so much better at eloquently expressing their (and my) feelings. I felt so much hope for the future of the LDS church. If these are the women staying, speaking up, and teaching the future generations, then I absolutely want to stay.
Fast forward 24 hours and the social media team pinned a comment. They saw our comments. They heard our concerns. They’re going to talk to church leaders about it. “Babe, do you understand how amazing this is? This is the closest they have ever gotten to admitting they messed up. It’s amazing! It’s progress! We did this!!” My husband hugged me and responded, “I’m happy for you, but I’m nervous that they won’t actually do anything.” I responded, “I have hope this time.” I went to bed smiling and dreamt of a future where my daughters could have real power and authority in the LDS Church.
While I was dreaming of women walking together, moving things forward, the church was replacing the ground with a treadmill. We sure feel like we’re moving forward, but we haven’t moved an inch. I woke up to see every comment removed. Every woman who was brave enough to speak up, every woman who so beautifully expressed our collective feelings — silenced. Erased. Hidden. The church says the disappearance of comments was a platform-wide issue, and perhaps it was. But seeing those comments erased was a familiar feeling.
Women aren’t valued in the LDS church as much as men are. We’re baby makers, husband supporters, and if we’re a “strong independent woman” with no husband or kids, we’re still at least monetary fund suppliers. We’re supposed to sit still and look pretty, flirt to convert, and not question anything.
Supposedly, we have the power and authority that no other church has for women. Are the women claiming this sitting in the same sacrament meeting I am? Because when I sit in sacrament, I see an 11-year-old boy pick his nose before passing me the bread tray. I see the man who has been abusing his daughters (but stayed out of jail because the bishop advocated for him) bless the sacrament. I see the 16-year-old bully who secretly smokes weed and not so secretly uses racial and homophobic slurs break the bread. Every Sunday I’m reminded that each one of them is more important than I am in the eyes of the church. Women in the LDS church have more power and authority than other churches … just not enough to pass a sacrament tray around a room. And definitely not enough to have our voices be heard. I have always believed that change will come from within. But it’s days like this when I think that even if I stay, I don’t know if I can make a difference.
Is it true that the comments were down because of a platform-wide issue? Is it an attempt to cover their mistake? I don’t know. And honestly, I don’t know if I have the energy to follow this back-and-forth nonsense. I’m tired. My neck hurts. And I need to go study for a test so I can become a doctor. Someone with actual power and authority to help people.
