Need, communication and justice
(Nimue)
Give me a topic or let me run with a story and I’m a decent enough communicator. However, when it comes to expressing my own needs and feelings in a personal context, I have a lot to learn. Part of the issue here is that for a lot of things I’ll just try to be convenient and go with what’s wanted. I’ve spent too much time in situations where there just wasn’t any room for me wanting or preferring anything, and there wasn’t reliably room for things I needed. For too long I didn’t even feel entitled to name needs as needs.
I’ve now built a working definition of need, which is helping me navigate. To need something is to genuinely struggle to function without it. If my functionality is at risk, then I am allowed to call something a need and not a want. Sleep is something I need. I’m not the sort of person to do melodrama over trivial things and I need to trust myself on that score. I’ve had too much experience of not being allowed the things I need in order to function, but that doesn’t mean I have to keep treating those things like they don’t matter.
It’s hard to communicate effectively when I’m not making space for my own needs, preferences and feelings. I’m not in the habit of asking what would be best for me or what would make me most happy, and this is something I want to try and change. There is room in my life for me to have feelings and inclinations of my own.
This is one of those situations that I could not fix on my own. How we handle need is a community issue, a social issue and a relationship issue – how we relate to each other informs how much space each of us is allowed to take up. The person who is invited to ask for what they want is in a very different position from the person who is told what they have to accept. By making space for each other, inviting input, giving each other options and accepting difference we can support each other around this.
People who grew up with poverty learn not to ask and not to want. People who have experienced abuse learn that their feelings don’t matter. Capitalism teaches us that without wealth we do not have the rights to basic things – be that good food, health provision, scope to rest, opportunities for joy. The less money you have the more you may feel obliged to put up with things that compromise your ability to function.
As individuals there’s a limit on what we can do to tackle the systemic issues here. But, we can invite each other to express needs, feelings and preferences. We can give each other options and respect each other’s feelings. One way of doing this is to be alert to how people get trapped in roles – parent, carer, worker roles especially. Give people space to be more than that, and to meet their own needs. Think about emotional and social needs as well as basic body needs. Humans are social creatures and loneliness can be a killer.
It’s not good to be stripped back to the most basic essentials. There is more to being human than requiring water and enough food not to die. There are questions to ask about the differences between continuing to live and being able to flourish. Why would we want anyone to live a life that is not pleasing and meaningful to them?
