From Grudge to Gratitude

This Sunday, we celebrate some of the most significant women in our lives - our mothers - and many of us are crafting grand gestures to show our love and gratitude. But underneath the Hallmark cards and breakfasts in bed, Mother’s Day can trigger complex emotions—our parents aren’t perfect, and neither are our adult relationships with them. Whether you’re struggling to assert your independence, feeling trapped watching old patterns repeat themselves, or nursing a grudge over events of years past, this weekend’s festivities present the perfect opportunity to move from festering to forgiving. Relationship experts Jill and Richard Rogers (of The Seven Sacred Steps and RevRichard.com, respectively) weigh in on letting bygones be bygones, getting into our gratitude, and asking old ladies to dance. —Emma Aubry Roberts

What can we do to help ourselves let go of our parents’ shortcomings?

Richard: No matter how fabulous our parents were, there are bound to be places where our needs didn’t get met. It’s so powerful when we can just accept people exactly as they are, and then actually move into a level of appreciation for that—saying, “Okay, there are places where I wanted them to be different, but I’m not limited in my love by them.” Love is a skill—most of us don't naturally know how to do it, and it is our responsibility to open our hearts.

Jill: We can also make healthy choices on our own behalf by telling ourselves the truth about who we are. We need to be conscious of how our parents show up in ourselves and how that creates stress in our current relationships. We should say to ourselves, "This is who my mom was, this is who my dad was—but who am I, and how do I want to show up? What are the decisions I want to make so that I’m not in reaction to their choices?”

How can we see the silver lining of a relationship that continues to be strained?

Jill: Remember that what they model is what we pick up on. Even if they’re not loving us at the degree that we wish they would, what are the things that they have instilled in us without even really thinking about it? Gratitude helps us turn it around so that we can forgive.

Richard: As an adult, the amount of love that you receive is no longer limited by what your parents can give you. You have friends, spouses, partners—all kinds of people who can replace or add to the love you have in your life. Maybe your parents only gave you half, or a quarter, or even an eighth of the love you need. But the more love you bring into your life, the easier it gets to just accept that gift.

What is the greatest gift your mother gave you?

Richard: My mom taught me how to be social. When we were kids and would go to a wedding or any kind of special event, my mom would make us ask older women - aunts, cousins - to dance. She taught me how to network and how to reach out, and I am forever grateful for that.

Jill: I was raised in a small town, and there was an older man who would walk in from the country to get his groceries. If my mom spotted him, it didn’t matter if she had plans, or if she was busy—we would always stop and offer him a ride. She has taught me to be a very giving person—to always ask someone how I can help them, even if I don’t know who they are.