What the Temple Actually Taught Me

 

I’m 42. Exactly half a lifetime ago this week (when I was 21), I went through the temple for the first time. I was promised it would be a place of learning and instruction. Even prophets would say things like, “I learn something new every time I go!”, so I was super excited to become the smartest person on the planet by learning everything it had to offer me. Unfortunately, the temple fell very short of my expectations. If this happened to you as well, read on.

Right before this endowment anniversary, I sat down and made a list of things the temple actually taught me. Because the temple is supposed to be heaven on earth (and the place God resides when he comes to visit us), I assumed that the way things are done in the temple is the most perfect way to do them.

Here’s what I learned:

Being very bland is the very best. Everybody in the temple looks the same and acts the same. There’s no personality, no expression, no decision making, no individuality, and no autonomy. That’s heaven.
Don’t smile too much, because being serious is always better. Solemnity, even if something absolutely hilarious happens, is required of everyone. Loud laughter is one of the very worst things you can do (but you’ll only know this if you received your endowment before 2023).
You will watch a special temple movie or slideshow. The best media to consume is whatever the church produces for you – even if it’s long, boring and poorly written. If you aren’t clear on why you should watch this film, it doesn’t matter. Just pay attention because the church says it’s important.
You never have to make any decisions about anything on your own. Everything you do and every single step you’ll take is pre-determined for you (just like in real life). Walk in, hand the guy your recommend, go this way, change into a special outfit, tuck that mysterious envelope under your arm, a lady will gesture with her hands like, “go this way” (so you will), walk to the chapel, sit on this bench and wait until they tell you to move again, etc, etc. Everything you do is dictated for you exactly, and there is no room for variation – even on small things that seem like they shouldn’t matter.
You don’t even have to think what you’ll say – just say what they tell you to say, whenever they tell you to say it. You don’t need to have any of your own thoughts or words – just repeat after them. (And if you get even a single word wrong they’ll make you go back and do it again until you get it exactly like they wanted.)
The ideal music is really bland, muffled organ music because having fun, even musically, is less righteous.
Never, ever, talk about the stuff you learn inside the temple when you’re outside the temple. (Also, there is no time set aside for talking inside the temple, so you’ll just never talk about it.) You promise this more than you promise anything else, so if you have weird feelings just stuff them way, way down deep inside and never reveal to anyone how you feel.
The stuff you learn in the temple is so amazing it will blow your mind – but if it doesn’t, it’s just because you don’t understand it yet. (And definitely non-members can’t understand how amazing it is, so never read their comments below the hidden camera temple videos on YouTube.)
In the temple, women mostly don’t exist, and if they do, they shouldn’t talk much. (Except for Eve, until she got kicked out of the garden and never spoke again.) Heavenly Mother doesn’t exist, and women are unnecessary for creating humans. Men get together and use their penis powers to create life.
Only Satan tells you the truth and helps you with the plan that leads to your salvation. You’ll have to figure out which of God’s commandments are for real, and which ones he actually wants you to break. The Holy Ghost won’t tell you. Wait for Satan to show up and explain things instead.
The very most holy way to pray to God requires that any women in the room hide their faces because of unexplained reasons, but do it anyway. (I know this changed in 2019. I also know they never explain a thing when they change stuff.)
There is always a man who has the most authority in the room. Figure out who he is and pay total attention to him. He’s going to be at the front and have a look of authority on his face. (Also, his wife will be close to him, looking sweet but never talking and in charge of nothing.)
The way to get into heaven is to do a kind of repeat-after-me poem that you don’t even have to remember because the lady at the veil will just remind you.
To get past the Celestial Kingdom guards there are handshakes you’ll need to know, some other things (I assumed) that you did with your hands to remind you of the handshakes, and absolutely none of these things will make you feel anything at all. They’ll just exist and have no point to them. So the most important things that you’ll ever do (and most sacred of all secrets) that the Lord of the universe requires you to do to get into heaven, are meaningless and rote. Get used to that.
Girls should not sit near the priesthood because we are distracting and would probably give them bad thoughts even in very weird and non-flattering outfits.
No matter what happens or how you feel about it, you must always act like it’s totally normal and fine if everyone else is doing it. Go along with the crowd at all costs.
Even if you’ve tried to make the temple a good experience 500 times and you still don’t like it – just keep going. The only reason you don’t love it yet is because you haven’t done it enough times.
The smartest and most important people ever born on earth have been waiting for thousands of years for a housewife in Utah to watch a movie about the creation so they can finally be with God.
Literally every book, institute class or temple prep lesson will explain absolutely nothing to you about the temple. If you try to bring this up people give you awkward looks like you’re probably only asking because you want to sell drugs. Being confused is bad.
The whole thing will look like you’re in a cult but it isn’t because they said it’s not.
Everyone should talk very monotone. Even more ideally, just pump an intercom monotone voice into meetings so there’s no chance for deviation or personality or mistakes. God hates mistakes. He’s autistic.
All rules of modesty and touching go out the window in the temple. You’ll get naked under a sheet and a lady you’ve never met will reach under and rub oil on random naked body parts with zero warning. Adam and Eve are naked. You will hold hands with strange men at the veil and in the prayer circle. In the prayer circle some man will rest his large arm on your small shoulder for way too long, and since you’re too short to do it with your own arm to the man on the other side of you, you’ll have to press your arm against his lower body to rest it from getting too tired to stay up. (When you’re younger and doing baptisms and confirmations, men will put their big arms all over your wet back, hug you, and press their heavy hands onto your head and tiny shoulders. You’ll also have to walk in front of everyone in a clingy wet jumpsuit.)
If a creepy old dude who came without a wife wants to join the prayer circle, it’s the responsibility of a young woman there by herself to join him rather than just making him sit back down.
Group chanting is the real way to pray. (Also, don’t kneel to pray in the traditional way in the celestial room or they’ll stop you immediately.) Praying has to be in the circle group or silently in your head. No exceptions.
Everybody gets a new name that is apparently top secret and also meaningless for the men, but the only way a woman can get resurrected.
The covenants that future people will make in the temple might change, but there’s going to be no explanation as to whether you are held to the original covenants that you made, or if your covenants are upgraded to the new ones.
You don’t need any preparation for what covenants you’re about to promise to do for ETERNITY (so a billion times a billion years, plus billions more). Hearing them on the spot as a teenager with no explanation or Q & A period is valid because whatever the church asks you to promise to do is always going to make you happy, so just bow your head and say yes.
Your marital status matters a lot. Even if you aren’t married, you’re going to covenant to obey your husband and everyone will just totally ignore the fact that single people exist.
Surprisingly, you don’t promise to do any stuff like “be kind to others” or “feed hungry people”. Instead God is just really concerned that you promise to never say anything bad about his church leaders or laugh too much.
Satan tells everybody that he has “power and priesthoods” in the temple. The women still don’t, though!
Absolutely nothing makes sense, but it doesn’t matter! It for sure makes sense to people who are older and more spiritual than you, but don’t ask them how because you’re not supposed to talk about the temple outside of the temple where you’ll actually see those wise people.

This list could go on forever, so feel free to add your own ideas in the comments.

Looking back, the first half of my life was spent waiting to go to the temple, and the second half has been spent trying to process what happened to me there. I was traumatized by my experience, but I didn’t realize that when it happened. If I’d been mugged on the street at the same age, it would have been much easier to realize it was a traumatic event and seek help for the lingering fear I felt. With the temple though, I was like, “That was extremely uncomfortable. Maybe I just need to be mugged a bunch more times and it’ll get better!” Everyone around me kept telling me how much they loved being mugged, and that maybe signing up as a volunteer to mug more people would help me enjoy the experience more.

I’m writing this for any girl half my age, going through the temple for the first time in 2023. Some of the experiences are different now, but hey – if you don’t love the temple, you aren’t crazy, you aren’t lacking the spirit, and you aren’t wrong.

I’ve written about the temple other times as well:

Heavenly Mother and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Temple Open House – Exponent II
It’s Okay To Not Love the Temple – Exponent II
Breaking Our Silence About the Temple – Exponent I