Manners

Europeans traditionally eat with both hands on the table. Americans eat with one hand in their lap while the other mans a fork or spoon. Personally, I’ve always been curious to know what the below-the-table hand is doing. I’ve concluded that it’s meant to rescue food that has missed the mouth and ended up on the lap.
The holidays are a time of excess, and that includes eating. In order to present yourself as civilized, here are a few basic rules to follow.
If grace is to be said before the meal, do not shout, “God is good, God is great, yay God!”
Don’t overload your plate. There is no famine and there will be seconds of mashed potatoes.
Do not play with your food if you are older than six. Making forts with the yams and moats with the gravy is in poor form.
Do not see how many chestnuts you can fit in your mouth.
Don’t insult the asparagus by eating more than one spear at a time.
Don’t accentuate a conversational point by using your knife, fork or spoon. In some cultures, this may be seen as a threat.
Don’t eat your neighbor’s bread or salad. Do not use their napkin to wipe your mouth.
Turn your cell phone off. I repeat: TURN YOUR CELL PHONE OFF.
The results of your latest colonoscopy are not fit for polite dinner chat.
Keep your elbows close to your side when cutting meat. Flapping them like a goose or turkey is loutish.
Do not slurp.
When the cheese plate is passed around, do not ask for the least stinky one.
Do not tell the assembled that Aunt Claire’s marshmallow delight is to die for and better than anything being served today.
Avoid reaching across the table to eat food from the other guests’ plates.
It is considered in poor taste to inquire whether the sausage casing is really pig intestine.
Avoid talking with your mouth full, even if you have something urgent and à propos to say.
Take a sip of water if the food is too hot. Do not spit the food back onto your or another guest’s plate.
When making a toast, keep it brief, and do not chug the entirety of your wine glass and then make belching sounds.
Don’t mop your face with your napkin.
If you happen upon a bit of bone or gristle, do not spit it into your napkin. You may remove the offending morsel from your mouth by discreetly using the thumb and index finger of the same hand.
Offer to refill your neighbor’s glass before you refill yours. Do not drink from your neighbor’s glass even if your mouth is on fire and your water glass is empty.
And finally, regardless of the food, say something nice about the meal.
Happy holidays!