Love and fear
(Nimue)
Suffering is an inevitable part of life. The more you love, the more likely you are to experience loss and grief. At the same time, love is very much the answer to not being afraid of what life does to us all.
When we’re held by love, then whatever comes is simply a challenge to face. When you can be confident in the love, comradeship and support of others, then the challenges are bearable, no matter what they are. When we are determined to make the best of things for each other’s sake, then we are best able to live.
Conversely, without insulating layers of love and support, any challenge will make you feel exposed and vulnerable. There’s more to fear when you anticipate having to face challenges alone, unsupported or without kindness to ease your pain. Individualism can be incredibly isolating, and there’s a lot about modern society that pushes us towards feeling like we have to tough everything out by ourselves.
When we reach for each other, reach for support and ask for care, we become like a grove of trees, holding each other firm. To be able to give is a good place to be. Being asked for help means being part of something, feeling your place in a community of support.
Overcoming the fear that no one will care isn’t always easy. My experience has been that the vast majority of humans are kind, and will do what they can. Whether that’s a warm word, or rolling up their sleeves and piling in to help, most people are inclined to try and make life better for the people around them.
If you’ve experienced the other thing, it can make it harder to trust and seek help. If you’ve been humiliated for needing help, or mocked for suffering, then it is not easy to keep trusting people. There are those amongst us who feel the need to belittle other people’s struggles and to shame people who talk about their troubles. My guess is that this most likely comes from a place of pain and not feeling able to ask for help, and thus resenting the people who do dare to ask. There are also those who won’t help and who resent being asked, and they have their own issues. Most likely these are people afraid of their own mortality and vulnerability who cope with the world by not thinking about anything that makes them uncomfortable. This is not a workable response to reality and ultimately makes them more vulnerable to life’s challenges.
The people most likely to help are the ones who have been there or who are dealing with similar issues. Not the people who have the most resources to spare, but the ones who understand. In my experience, people who are struggling are incredibly generous with other people who are struggling while those who are best off are the ones most likely to say that they don’t have the time or the resources to get involved.
