No, I’m not signing up for Tithing Declaration this year

This is the second year in a row that I’m not signing up to attend Tithing Declaration

Before last year I NEVER missed a year of Tithing Settlement/Declaration. When I was a child my dad would make sure all my siblings and I were in the Bishop’s office when he and my mom attended Tithing Settlement. We’d each take a turn saying that we’d paid a full tithing. When I was dating my now husband I signed us both up for Tithing Settlement. Our names, written one right after the other on the paper on the clerk’s office door, announced that we were a couple. After we were married I continued the tradition of signing us up for Tithing Settlement. As children joined our family I made sure to bring them along too. 

I always liked declaring our full tithe. Our finances have often been precarious, but my husband and I were taught to put tithing first and so we have always paid it. I can point to specific blessings that I think we’ve received because of tithing. Jobs that were made available, cars that kept running, houses that fit our family and our budget. I was always proud to declare that we were full tithe payers. 

We still are full tithe payers. But I don’t want to talk to the bishop about it anymore. There are two main reasons. 

The first reason is that I don’t like how I act in the bishop’s office. 

Over the past few years I’ve been evaluating the way I act in the bishop’s office and I’ve not been happy with what I’ve noticed. I feel like I turn into a completely different version of myself as soon as I walk into through the doors.

This has been going on for years and has happened with nearly every bishop I’ve met with during my adult life. There’s something about the power dynamic between the bishop and the rest of the ward that makes me put aside my actual wants and needs and become deferential to the bishop and his feelings. 

I can be the grumpiest person in the foyer as I wait to talk to the bishop. But as soon as I walk into his office I’m all smiles. I want him to see that I’m happy, that I play by the rules, that I’m worth something. I want him to see how good I am. How on top of my life I am. I want him to feel inspired to give me a good calling. 

It’s like I forget all about my life outside of the church and turn into a childlike version of myself that wants to please my dad. I want to have an important calling so my dad will be proud of me. I want the bishop to see that I’m “worthy” of that calling. Never mind that I’m doing plenty of important work in my career and other volunteer obligations. There’s a part of me that feels I need to have leadership calling in the church to actually matter. That part of me takes over as soon as I walk into the bishop’s office.

I’m Smiley, I’m Bubbly, I’m Cheerful, I’m Happy Happy Happy. When I’m in a bishop’s office I don’t have a single complaint about the church. I’m not mad that my girls weren’t recognized when they moved up into the Young Women Program – I’m just curious as to why. I’m not annoyed that I don’t get texts about youth activities until 5:00 PM on Wednesdays – I’m content that activities are happening. I’m not upset that I don’t know where my tithing money is going – I’m just happy to be paying it. 

Last year the bishopric of my ward was rearranged a few weeks before Tithing Declaration. As I imagined meeting with the new bishop I could see myself putting on that fake, cheerful mask again. I could see myself trying to impress him. I could see myself hoping that this bishop would see that I should have an important calling. 

I realized that I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to turn into the fake, fawning version of myself when I walked into his office. I wanted to break that pattern in my life. 

The first step to breaking the pattern was to avoid the environment. So I didn’t sign up for Tithing Declaration. It felt like such a relief.

I’d like to one day get to the point where I can be my authentic self in the bishops office. But I’m not there yet. So for now I’m staying away from meeting with him in his office.

The other reason I’m not attending is that I’m not paying my tithing to the LDS church.

I love the concept of tithing. Paying tithing helps me think about others who have more needs than I do. It helps me practice being less selfish. For most of my life I thought the LDS church needed my money. I thought the money that I sacrificed to pay tithing was actually helping the church as it helped other people. That was before reports about stockpiled wealth and investment funds. Now I want to know that my donations are going to good use right away – not being added to a pile. The church is not transparent with its finances and so I no longer feel comfortable donating to that organization. 

A couple years ago I started taking 10 percent of my income and donating it to other churches and causes. It’s very fulfilling to be able to pick a different cause every time I get paid. I donate to other local churches, to national and international organizations, and sometimes I take my tithing money and put it to good use helping my friends. 

None of that shows up on my Tithing Declaration Statement. My husband and I have a joint tithing statement and he still wants the tithing from his income to go to the LDS church. It looks like both of us are still full tithe payers. But I know that my tithing is not listed. I believe in being honest. I know in my heart I’m a full tithe payer. However, I can’t look at my tithing declaration sheet and say that it represents my full tithing. 

I’ve thought about explaining that to the bishop. But frankly, I don’t think it’s any of his business. What I donate is between me and God. I don’t need to declare it to anyone.

* * *

Five years ago if you told me that there would be a time when I wasn’t interested in attending Tithing Declaration I wouldn’t believe you. I loved meeting with the bishop to show him how well I was following this specific commandment. Now I’m trying to break my fawn response and I’m not interested in discussing my financial decisions with an uninvolved third party. This has been an unexpected shift, but I think its a necessary shift.

I’m curious about your thoughts regarding Tithing Declaration. Do you attend? Why or why not? Also I’d love any tips on how to interact with the bishop in his office as an actual grown up instead of a weirdly happy version of myself.

Photo by Scott Graham on Unsplash