Sugar

He could barely look at me as he slid into the booth opposite me at the restaurant. The server came over to give us menus and take our drink order but neither of us needed the menu.

I ordered a hamburger and fries with a Coke. He ordered what they had on-special: pancakes with caramel, bananas, nuts, and whipped cream. He added a chocolate shake. I already knew he wasn’t doing well. The uncharacteristic amount of sugar confirmed my suspicions.

“I can’t…anymore. I can’t,” he finally admitted once the server had left.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know. He was doing so well, and then…he went quiet, pale. He cries and won’t tell me why. I’m starting to worry. You know, worry that he might decide to leave.”

“Leave?”

“Not break up with me. That’s not what I mean. Because, I’ll be honest, sometimes I wish he would. It would be a relief. But I can’t break up with him, I can’t. I would worry too much.”

He finally looked up at me, his lips pressed together, and his forehead creased as if he were concentrating. Perhaps he was trying to find the right words. “I miss you.”

Oh no. “Jaimes…”

“I know. I know. But I was happy when I was with you, comfortable, at ease. Isn’t that what it’s supposed to be like? I dread being around him, but I’m scared when he’s gone. I worry that he’s going to do something terrible and I…I can’t. I can’t deal with it anymore. I don’t know what to do. I asked Caleb to stay at the house until I got back. I don’t dare leave Nik all alone for even a few hours. I’m going crazy.”

I knew what he was looking for. He wanted me to console him and give him advice like I always did. He held his hand out just far enough to seem natural while still letting me know that he wanted me to touch him. He wanted me to hold his hand and tell him everything was going to be okay and that he wasn’t alone.

“Jaimes. The first thing you should do is stop calling on me like this.”

“What? Why? I’m not trying to…”

“I’m not the one you should be talking to.”

“Yes, you are. Christ! I need a friend. I’m not trying to get back with you. Okay. I’m just…being honest. Please. Can’t you see…”

“Jaimes. Why were you at ease with me? Think about it.”

“I don’t know. Because we’re compatible? Because you’re stable?”

“I know what it feels like, to be young and alone and scared, and be comforted by someone who is older and wiser.”

“I’m not a kid.”

I took a deep breath and looked him dead in the eye. “Then why are you here?”

 “I told you, because I need a friend. Can’t you see that? I’m at my limit.” He withdrew his hand and clenched his jaw. “Lars, please…or was I just a good fuck to you?”

“I’m going to let that go, because I know you’re upset.”

“Is it wrong, to want someone to take care of me for once? Is it?”

“No, but Jaimes, you need to stop this. You felt comfortable with me because we weren’t in a relationship. That’s why. There were no difficulties to overcome. There were no fights over things that mattered. There were no times where you were made to feel like you feel now. You think I’m stable? You should have met me when I was your age.”

“Stop…”

“It is what it is, young man. No more. No less.”

He wiped his eyes and reluctantly nodded his head. After taking a breath to compose himself, he lifted his head and sat up straight. “I need to know, are you willing to help me? To help us? Nik needs help and it’s more than I can handle on my own.”

“Of course.”