Holding Boundaries

(Nimue)

This is something I’m not good at. There’s something in me that feels I am supposed to say yes to everything, no matter what the cost is to me. I’m supposed to be entirely kind, generous and supportive no matter how I’m being treated. This is an abuse legacy, and it is difficult and makes it harder to walk away from things that are harming me.

Along the way there have been a few people who treated me like I was problematic but at the same time expected me to behave like a saint. People who very much wanted all the useful things I might do for them, but who thought they could have that while treating me in unkind and humiliating ways. I have never moved away from that as fast as I should have done. It’s the lingering fear that I deserve the unkindness, and that they are entitled to everything I can give.

I’ve been offered a powerful concept to counter it with, so I’m sharing it. (Thank you James and Keith.) If I pour care and attention into people who don’t merit it and won’t make good use of it, that’s time I can’t spend on people who would make much better use of what I have to offer. I’m finding this really helpful. I can’t be useful if I’m burned out so it’s a sensible, pragmatic decision to focus on people who don’t knock me down. It stops being a question about how much to give to people who don’t play fair, and becomes a question about how best to deploy myself. It takes out a lot of the emotional side of thinking about all this, which helps.

I find it hard to be confident about where and how to hold boundaries. I didn’t get here on my own, and I’m getting out of it with support. It’s going to take some work to build the idea that it is ok for me to say no to things that make me uncomfortable and unhappy. No one is entitled to make me unhappy. I’m allowed to refuse. If something really matters to someone or they find it essential but they don’t treat me with enough kindness or respect to make that viable for me, I am not responsible for their feelings. 

There’s a huge amount of anxiety coming up for me around this at the moment. A history of what happens if I say no, or don’t give what’s wanted doesn’t help. I’m aware that not feeling safe saying no to things really isn’t good. I’m pushing through that fear and declining to be in spaces that make me unhappy. This has consequences. For me those consequences are all good – there will be fewer reasons to be anxious and less time wasted on being uncomfortable. 

In the short term, pushing back against the anxiety is hard. But, this is how I get to change things. I refuse to let the fear be in charge. I refuse to keep being made responsible for things I cannot be responsible for. I’m going to learn how to say no, and how to better handle people who do not meet basic standards around respect and cooperation.