Five reasons I tell my daughters to NOT get married in the temple
I loved everything about my wedding. My husband was and still is one of the best people I’ve ever met. I was excited to spend the rest of my life with him. We were sealed in the Bountiful Temple on a Thursday morning in May. We had a reception the next day in his stake center. He and I worked together to plan our reception. We wanted it to be something that was ours. It was the first big project we’d ever worked on together and its success cemented the knowledge that we were very compatible.
At the time I was married I felt like my wedding went perfectly. And it had. Everything went as well as it could have in 2007.
In 2019 the policy around temple sealings changed. Couples in the United States could be sealed in the temple right after their civil marriage. They no longer had to wait a year. When I heard that news I started to revisit some of my thoughts and feelings around my wedding day. I’ve realized that if I could do it over again – with the option to get married outside of the temple and then sealed later – I would have done things differently.
This realization has impacted how I talk to my three daughters about their wedding days. They are about to enter their teenage years. I know that the Young Women Program will emphasize getting married in the temple. But at home we talk about marriage differently. I tell them to NOT get married in the temple. Here are five reasons why.
You don’t want to exclude your younger or unendowed siblings.I’m the oldest in my family so when I was married none of my siblings could come to my wedding. Even my younger sister who was getting married two weeks later could not come to my wedding because she was not yet endowed. At the time this felt completely normal. I hadn’t been able to attend any of my aunt and uncle’s wedding ceremonies. I’d been just fine waiting in the visitor room of the temple during those ceremonies. It felt normal to ask the same thing of my siblings. I didn’t think about how odd it was that none of my siblings were at my wedding.
Now that I look back on it I’m flabbergasted with how I was expected to exclude the people who mattered the most. My siblings are some of my closest friends, but they didn’t witness one of the biggest events of my life.
I tell my daughters that they should be married outside the temple so that their siblings can come. This is especially applicable in our family because my son has intellectual disability. I don’t know if he’ll ever be mentally mature enough to be endowed. Without being endowed he will never be able to attend his sisters’ wedding ceremonies in the temple. I think he would be extremely disappointed to miss seeing their weddings. I know his sisters will want him to attend their weddings.
You don’t want to exclude family members who have left the church.When I was married my Grandmother and one of my aunt’s couldn’t attend my temple wedding. They had joined the church along with my mom years earlier, but had since gone inactive. At the time I felt bad, but basically thought, “well, that’s their choice. They should have repented and come back to church.” Now I know how small minded my thinking was.
At this point about 40% of my family has left the church. That number will probably increase by the time my girls are ready to get married. I can’t imagine planning their wedding days and saying, “well Uncle ____ can’t come” or “too bad Aunt _____ won’t be able to see you get married.” These are people we have gone camping with, who have braided my girls hair, who have listened to their stories, who care about them deeply. We can’t exclude them from the wedding because of their feelings about the church.
And even if the family members haven’t fully left the church, they may not have a temple recommend at the time of the wedding. I quite possibly will be one of these people. I don’t want to be left out because of my complicated feelings toward the temple. And I don’t want to leave anyone else out either.
You can’t write your own vows for the temple.I deeply regret that the only word I said in my wedding ceremony was “Yes.” Also I had no idea what my vows would be ahead of time. I just went into the ceremony trusting my parents and my fiancé that everything would be fine.
At the time I was fine with whatever I did say yes to. I was so happy to be marrying my husband. But I honestly have no memory of what I agreed to. With all the wording changes over the years I can’t just go to a sealing and hear the same words again.
Even if I did remember the wording, I have no emotional connection to those vows. The beginning of my marriage to a man that I have a deep and fulfilling connection with, started with the same words that everyone else in my religion used in their ceremonies. Maybe there is something lovely to having the vows be standardized across an entire world religion, but it seems sterile to me. They weren’t words that we created. I’m a writer, I love words. I would have enjoyed writing my own vows that reflected my commitment and love to the man I’d chosen to spend my life with.
I want my girls to have the option to write their own vows. To create something that is meaningful to them. I definitely want them to say more than one word at their own wedding.
You can’t pick your officiator in the temple.My husband and I literally never met the man who married us until about 20 minutes before the ceremony. Again, this was completely normal at the time. But now I’m shocked that we were so blasé about having a random person officiate at our wedding.
He talked to us briefly before the ceremony, and was very nice, but he was in and out of our lives pretty quickly. I did run into him one other time at another temple. The only way I recognized him was by his name tag. I wouldn’t have recognized his face.
I’d like my girls to have the option to pick a family friend to officiate at their weddings. Actually I’d love to be the one to officiate at their weddings. Officiating at a wedding is on my bucket list. I’d love to do it for my daughters. Their dad gave them their baby blessings and baptized them, it’s only fair that I be the one to marry them.
I’ve told that to my girls, but they’ve told me that I’ll probably cry too much. Which is a valid point. Even if I’m not the one who officiates I think it should be someone who has been in their lives and will continue to be in their lives.
You might not be ready for the endowment ceremony when you are ready to be married.Honestly, I didn’t want to go through the temple before my wedding. For years I’d had nightmares about getting lost in the temple. I’d struggled with feelings of worthiness. And I just wasn’t sure if garments were for me. But I felt immense pressure to get married in the temple. There was no way I was going to get married civilly and have everyone whisper behind my back about whether or not my husband and I had “messed up.”
So I pushed down my worries and planned a temple wedding. I scheduled the ceremony, bought the clothes, and went through the temple. All the while I was wondering if I really wanted to do it. Even now I wonder if I would have ever gone through the temple if it hadn’t been part and parcel to my wedding.
I want my girls to choose to go through the temple on their own timeline. Not because it’s coupled with something else.
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When I look back on my wedding, my favorite memories are from the reception. My husband and I had so much fun planning that reception. From designing the backdrop, to figuring out the way we wanted the room laid out, to selecting the dancing music; everything reflected our tastes and personalities. I wish we’d had the same options for our wedding ceremony.
The biggest thing I want for my daughters on their wedding day is to feel like they have control of their options. I don’t want them pressured into a ceremony in a certain building just because it’s expected of them. I want them to know that they can have the wedding they want, with the guests they want, with the words they want, and in the place they want.
These are my reasons for telling my girls to get married outside the temple. I’m curious if you have similar thoughts or if you want your children to be married in the temple. What are your reasons? I’m also curious about those of you who have sons. My only son is the one with intellectual disability so it’s hard for me to imagine his wedding day. I wrote this post with my daughters in mind, but I’m aware this could apply to both daughters and sons. What would you tell your sons about getting married inside or outside the temple?
