When Our Sons Put on Priesthood Blinders
Up until my cis-gendered sons enter the young men’s program and become priesthood holders in the LDS Church, I mostly feel as though I can the counterbalance much of the gendered and patriarchal messaging they receive. As children attending LDS primary, our kids see women as authority figures and generally do not understand the true power dynamics underlying church presidencies. Women are presidents, leaders, teachers, and considered central figures at home during these years. The messaging isn’t perfect, but the time they spent with me felt like enough to help them hear and feel different messages about the roles, influence, and even purpose of women.
After our sons enter the young men’s program, the scales shift dramatically. It’s as if they are handed a pair of priesthood blinders, allowing them to see and experience the world differently. Suddenly, an immature boy in the year of his 12th birthday is trained in becoming :a priesthood holder.” He is surrounded by men at church and activities, who lead and teach. The Bishop is the literal leader of his specific organization; yet another indication of his importance. He performs a necessary service every Sunday by blessing and passing the sacrament that no woman – no matter her age or experience – can perform. He is on a clear, direct path to authority, leadership, purpose, and influence. He is necessary. He is a man. He embodies the priesthood. And the young women are watching this.
A young woman’s experience is distinctly different. While she is surrounded by women, it becomes increasingly clear that they are not the ultimate authority figures. Our cis-gendered daughters begin participating in ward youth presidency meetings where they are in a clear minority and where men always lead. Men preside whenever they enter a room. Men get special nights at Girls Camp. Men speak last; even in women’s meetings. Young men have a call as missionaries. It’s nice for young women to serve missions if marriage isn’t available. And the young men are watching this.
And, as our sons become old enough to truly pay attention to talks and messages around them, a fear spirals in me. Did they hear the kind bishop say, “Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble” when he asked me into his office? No offense was meant, but the casual assumption that he had this authority over me bristled.
Did they hear the returned missionary describe his amazing experience becoming the bishop in another country because only a group of faithful adult women regularly attended services? And everyone nodded as if a teenage male assuming authority over adult women is perfectly normal and necessary, temporarily paralyzing me with shock.
Did my son see anyone speak up when the group chat of young men and leaders jokingly shared scriptures about the blessed silence of women? Did he laugh too without seeing the greater harm of this type of attitude in a highly patriarchal setting?
Did my sons cringe when the man spoke of his beautiful wife as a necessary supportive role for his important and difficult calling and his “reward” for being a faithful missionary?
Will they continue to critically think about what they learn and believe, no matter what faith path they choose?
Will my sons, who I hope see me as an individual and respect me as a person, begin to view me as a role? Will I stop being someone they could become like because I will be a woman first and me second?
Will the inequality they recognize and disdain in the world around them be explained away by benevolent patriarchy?
Will my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about inequality and women and the priesthood hold real weight and meaning when pitted against authority, purpose, and benevolent patriarchy?
Will their priesthood blinders allow them to compartmentalize inequality?
Can they still become the men who begin publicly speaking up about women and the priesthood?
