Haiku Horoscopes 009

by Jonathan Ball, Registered Fraud

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Confucius says a

Lot of things, but he’s old and

Very senile now

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Despite what they say

The quick way to a man’s heart

Is still oral sex

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Play with small children

They are our future, and they

Are easy to beat

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Mix the bang in with

The boogie until it jumps

Up, and then repeat

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Nothing says “I care”

Like a robot programmed to

Breakdance and talk trash

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

With your vast legions

Of loyal field mice, you will

Accomplish nothing

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

If you think life is

Hard now, wait until you get

To the lightning round

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

As stylish as it

May be, resist the urge to

Go to the bathroom

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Your joy at learning

To read will be dampened by

Your reading of this

Capricon (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Lock horns with success

Get yourself a bikini

And a record deal

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Though you smell a rat

There are no flaws in your plan

To rob the sewers

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

Before you meet your

True love, you should prepare by

Having sex with me