Haiku Horoscopes 008

by Jonathan Ball, Registered Fraud

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Don’t leave home this week

Also, be on the lookout

For paranoid freaks

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today looks like a

Good day to die, and also

For planting flowers

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Be wary of those

Who claim to tell the future

With tarot crackers

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Pennies from Heaven

Falling to the Earth means you

Must stop taking drugs

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Though the wizard has

Promised you courage, he will

Renege on the deal

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Life is like a game

You will never win it and

You think it’s stupid

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

The best thing about

Being you this week will be

Reading this column

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Watch for falling rocks

Especially any rocks

To which you are tied

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Be kind to others

When the robots take over

Then you will need friends

Capricon (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

In the future the

Stars reveal their mysteries

But today they sleep

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

A vision of Hell

Will reveal itself to you

Unless you shut up

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

Whoever said that

Truth will set you free is due

For an ass whupping