New Shows For The Breaking Bad Universe

Don’t give up on yourself, people of the Breaking Bad/Better Call Saul World. We see it all the time in life, you know what I mean. The chef who becomes tender with age and rather than flay cows he monkeys with cauliflower. The old con man who retreats to his den and in the end lies only to himself. The skater who takes up video games after one brush with a bumper too many. All tragic, but here I am pointing at the architects of Breaking Bad and its wily and glorious freak of a baby Better Call Saul. Don’t give up! Here are a few spin-off ideas, new chapters if you will, to keep you going. This has been floating around on a notepad on my coffee table for weeks now, and my wife hasn’t said anything, but… It’s time to squirt it out into the world in hopes that it lands on the right cheek.

Sheriff Pinkman

Think about it! Poor Jesse, after his many ordeals, his salvation and damnation cycle seemingly complete, has a new row to hoe. He settles in a small town. The Sheriff fucks with him because he senses a darkness in this newcomer. Jesse, in a neurotic moment, befriends the dude rather than run. That simple choice spells his fresh doom after the Sheriff is killed and Jesse rises to become the top hog in these new lands. Mystery after mystery, thrilling Alaskan weirdo after weirdo, Jesse brings it home. I don’t like cops and I definitely don’t watch their stupid fucking TV shows, but I’d watch all seven seasons of this.

SONS OF GOMEZ

Two or three of them. Wicked pissed. These dudes wanna know what the hell happened to their dad, and when they find out, holy shit, they discover at the same time that Gus Fring’s entire operation is headless and parts of it are still intact.

The Quiet Salamanca

The one who got away. Tuco’s strange, creepy kid is just as bad as he was. In the smoky ruins of the Albuquerque meth scene, a new player emerges. He sniffs his fingers. He wears pink. He might be a cannibal.

Ehrmentraut

Mike’s illegitimate son, the product of his dalliance with a big haired hooker named Maximum Maudelle, arrives on the scene looking for daddy. He’s a total bozo- an English major washout who took up true crime podcasting to impress a chick who will never, ever remember his name. He needs the help of his father and by god he’s gonna get it. Except Mike is dead. This heel goes from bad news to surprising horror every episode, slowly going mad. Dudeboy breaks bad in weepy increments and slowly becomes a curious vigilante, documenting his own bloodbaths and looking for the mysterious killer that is himself.

The Gus Fring Chemistry Scholarship Geeks

The guys and gals! A total no brainer! Horrified nerds realize why Gus put their misfit pack through school, grooming them for a life of crime, and they call each other, hoping to console one another. But Gus was a criminal genius after all, and he saw something terrible in each and every one of the. The dark seeds sprout as they all break bad together! Succession is an HBO show I’ll never watch in a million years, I gather it’s about a family of austere, wealthy, pitiful zeros trying to rip each other off. This would be like that, but the characters wouldn’t be so ghastly on page one. They’d start sweet and damaged and bright rather than as polo club bathroom ghouls.

Zafiro Anējo

The tequila they all drank! Jimmy and Kim drank it, Gus put poison in it, that fire water is everywhere! And… it’s run by some hard news vatos. The Rock is pimping tequila. So is the Deadpool guy. All of Hollywood wants a piece of the agave nectar. It was only a matter of time before a Brad Pitcock or a Botox Toilet tried to edge in on the Zafiro title. When it happens, it’s part LaLa Land and part El Mariachi with a liberal dash of Slow Torture Puke Chamber (a vile movie that will make you want to rinse your TV off with cough syrup).

Better Quality Vacuum

Something has to be done here. This place is simply too priceless to let go. The Man has to have a daughter, a smart, chunky gal who maybe hater what her father did, but she loved the old guy because he was good in all the ways that mattered. So she takes up the mantle and slowly, slowly, she breaks bad just like her old man.

Skinny

Skinny Pete is fried. His nerves finally lit up like wires in a lightbulb and so, like many before him, he started drinking hard and playing the piano. He plays jazz mostly, at a divey dump called Rosco’s Beef-N-Gin, and at the end of the night he sweeps up. Nobody listens to Pete until the fry cools into crazy and he begins freestyling vocals with his rambling tunes and like in the awesome show Patriot (on Amazon, do watch it) the contents of those songs are dark and secret. A million directions to go with this. Pick two.