S*M*A*S*H
(Welcome to the 38th Parallel…universe!)
Let’s play a game. Basically, it’s a ‘fact or fiction’ quiz involving that zany Pacific Rim fun park, North Korea. I call it “Global Thermonuclear War and the Chia Pet.”
I have the easy part. For the next few minutes, I’m going to write stuff about North Korea, and some of the stuff, I’m just gonna make up.
Yours is the tough job. You have to figure out which bits are true and which aren’t. And if you’re familiar with the madcap antics of North Korea’s Fearless Leader and his fun-loving forebears, you know that picking out the true bits is gonna get a bit tricky.
Ready? Good luck!
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Korea is thought to be one of the oldest countries on Earth, with signs of population since the Lower Paleolithic (literal translation: ‘un-tanned lithics’). In fact, the area we now call Korea has been inhabited for 400,003 years.
“Get out,” you skeptics out there may be skepticizing. “400,003? What do you mean, three?“
Yes. 400,003 years. I have this on good authority, because when a friend of mine visited Korea, her tour guide said Korea had been inhabited for 400,000 years, and the tour was three years ago.
(I told you this was gonna be tricky…)
However, despite all those SPF30-obsessed lithics, things in Korea got off to a slow start. In fact, it wasn’t until the year 1000 BC that the first Korean pottery turned up. So not much happened for the first 399,007 years (yes, seven). In terms of getting anything productive done, protean Korea was a lot like the US Congress.
Finally, in 2333 BC, the ancient Korean kingdom of Gojoseon (literal translation: ‘Samsung’) was established by Dangun Wanggeom (literal translation: ‘Steve’). Dangun claimed to be descended from heaven (literal translation: ‘ego the size of Godzilla’); however, he needn’t have rushed down here; after all, he had some 1300 years to kill before anybody even invented pottery. Thankfully for Dangun, though, somebody invented soju. (literal translation: ‘Bud Lite’)
According to legends, Dangun was out clubbing one night when, depending on which legend you read, one of two things happened: either he ran into a tiger and a bear that could talk, or else he’d invented the DUI. Legend says the two misguided animals petitioned Dangun to turn them into humans (they didn’t know any better, because ‘People‘ magazine hadn’t been invented yet). Dangun responded rather cryptically: he gave the tiger and the bear twenty cloves of garlic and a bundle of mugwort, and told them to avoid sunlight for 100 days (see ‘un-tanned lithics’). After a few days of mugwort, the tiger gave up, bounded off, and ate a yak. But the bear persevered and became a woman who wore lots of turquoise, enrolled in a pottery class, and demanded free contraception.
(I told you this was gonna be tricky…)
Then, to the bear’s great surprise, some 5000 years passed, which is the kind of thing that can happen when you’re a mythical shape-shifting bear in some guy’s humor column. Fast-forward to 1392 AD, when the Joseon Dynasty was established by an up-and-coming general who, with a straight face, called himself Yi Seong-gye. General Yi built a famous Korean palace, which he named Gyeongbokgung. (literal translation: ‘About Four Billion Points in Scrabble’)
Naval factoid: In 1598, another Yi, Admiral Yi Sun-sin, invented something called the turtle ship, a maritime nightmare which struck fear in the hearts of navies everywhere, particularly navies with ships modeled after small insects, or pond algae.
Not surprisingly then, over the millennia, the Korean peninsula has been marauded by most everyone except France: brutally invasive forces like China, Japan, Russia, Mongolia, Detroit, Barbra Streisand, and Samsung. Even the United Kingdom occupied tiny Geomun Island in 1885, but left almost immediately, possibly due to the British navy having no at-hand anti-turtle-ship tactics. (Hearing this news, France immediately surrendered to a Belgian tortoise.)
Finally, in 1919, the local population decided to get involved, since they’d already, like, invented pottery and stuff. Independence rallies broke out on 1 March 1919, and in one of those classically inscrutable Far Eastern moments, the uprising was dubbed ‘the March 1st Movement.’
(I told you this was gonna be tricky…)
In 1948, Kim il-Sung founded the modern nation of North Korea, became Prime Minister, and instituted his own variant of communism, which revolved around pottery co-ops, some kind of seasoned cabbage, and state-owned turtles.
Two years later, Korea was invaded by a movie starring Elliot Gould and Donald Sutherland; then invaded again by a TV show starring Alan Alda and a staggeringly unattractive woman named Jamie Farr (no relation to the bear).
Network factoid: Sutherland’s son, Keister, would later star in a TV show called ‘24,’ so named for the number of times each week that Keister’s character would grab his cell phone and shout, “Chloe, send it now!”
Kim il-Sung is best known for his 1994 nuclear weapons talks with erstwhile US President Jimmy Carter, a world-changing summit during which both leaders complimented each other’s teeth.
Following Kim il-Sung’s death later that year (ruled a coincidence; however, Carter’s teeth were briefly detained for questioning), the first Kim was succeeded by a string of Kims, including Kim Jong-il, Kim Chi, Kim Novak, Kim Basinger, and Korea’s current Fearless Leader, Kim Jong Dongi Kong.
You’re probably familiar with Kim Jong Dongi Kong and his country’s current attempts to successfully launch WMD-type missiles, which are North Korea’s chief export, if you don’t count ursine-shaped anti-misogynist pottery. Their latest launch attempt stayed aloft for nearly 90 seconds before it fragmented and drowned in the Yellow Sea, taking out a turtle ship and two vacationing shrimp. In response to the launch, Iran immediately placed an order for two dozen missiles, and shrimp fried rice, while Ron Paul demanded we withdraw our troops from Red Lobster.
But for pure entertainment value, no Kim could touch Dongi Kong’s dad, Kim Jong-il.
Kim Jong-il was – how can we put this delicately … let’s see … remember that guy in ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest‘ who, day after day after day, just waltzed around the ward with himself? Imagine that guy, but in a military green leisure suit and a Chia Pet hat. That’s Kim Jong-il. I mean the man was his own magical mystery tour. First, the hair. His head looked like it was being attacked by a bear-fur-covered bamboo steamer. He wore oversized glasses so outlandish they would embarrass Elton John. Overly sensitive about his diminutive height, he wore platform shoes that would make a pole dancer drool.
Circa 1970 pimp shoes – always a good choice with military green leisure suits.
Kim Jong-il spent over $700,000 a year on cognac, according to family sources (Ma Jong). Reportedly, he never used the toilet, and he could levitate on demand. He was also immortal, which, coupled with the cognac, is a long time to not go to the bathroom.
To conclude our game, let’s quickly calibrate your ‘Kim’ quotient, shall we?
According to Kim’s official biography, what was unusual about his birth?
A) A new star appeared in the sky
B) The OB/GYN administered a cognac IV
C) The OB/GYN forgot the cognac, and was executed
D) At birth, he was as tall as he would ever get
What was Kim’s traditional title?
A) Dear Leader
B) Dear Abby
C) Steve
D) Punkin Butt
What ceremonial post does Kim still hold, despite being dead?
A) President for Eternity
B) Secretary General for Eternity
C) All-Seeing Deity of Stuff That Can Be All-Seen From A Height of, Say, 40 Inches, Give or Take
D) Bladder Master
Based on some reports, Kim once studied in which maritime location?
A) The Isle of Malta
B) The Isle of Coney
C) Fantasy Island
D) Atlantis
How tall is Kim?
A) 5 foot 3
B) 3 foot 5
C) He’s actually 6 foot 8, but due to an humble respect for others, he stoops in public
D) What, now?
According to North Korea’s news agency, what record did Kim set during his first-ever round of golf?
A) He scored eleven holes-in-one
B) He scored eleven holes-in-one, on the front nine
C) He had six caddies executed
D) At the turn, he consumed $61,000 worth of Hennessy
What gift did US Secretary of State Madeleine Albright give Kim when she visited in 2000?
A) A basketball signed by Michael Jordan
B) A miniature golf scorecard signed by Billy Barty
C) Michael Jordan
D) Bill Clinton’s Singapore rolodex
In 2001, Kim Jong-il’s eldest son, Kim Jong-nam, embarrassed the entire nation. How?
A) He was arrested with a false passport at Tokyo’s airport
B) During a heated game of Scrabble, he played the word AA
C) At Gyeongbokgung Palace, he tore that ‘Do Not Remove’ tag off a mattress
D) He was spotted at a club doing soju shooters with Britney Spears
According to a diplomatic source, what favorite thing did Kim have flown in regularly?
A) Live lobsters
B) Crates of cognac and pallets of ‘Depends’
C) Randy Newman’s ‘Little Criminals’ album with the song ‘Short People’ removed
D) Britney Spears
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So, that’s where we stand. That’s the Korean situation in a nuthou … er, nutshell. Now, I guess, it’s up to the new Kim to write the next chapter. Will he take the reins, or will he barter with wistful bears? Will he grow into his global responsibilities, or will he out-odd his old man?
Most importantly – will Fearless Leader get to go to the bathroom?
