You aren’t trans.

After having a ridiculous number of online conversations with anti-trans reactionaries, one of the more insidious arguments against the availability of gender affirming care is simply not understanding what being trans is NOT.

The narrative is that somehow “TRA” (Transgender Rights Activists) are in league with Big Pharma to push medicalization of children unnecessarily, in ways that they will inevitably live to regret (despite all evidence to the contrary).  

Since only a very small percentage of people who seek gender affirming care decide to abandon it, detransition, or have regret; and only a minuscule percentage of that group is politically aligned with the white nationalists and christofascists who are actively persecuting the trans community, a great deal of “firsthand” rhetoric isn’t just anecdotal, it’s completely made up. As in, it is literally and completely hypothetical. They present, in complete disbelief of anyone actually familiar with current best practice, that they, personally, would have sought gender affirming care “these days” and are glad they weren’t allowed to.

Then they claim that anyone who has a passing thought that they might be trans is “affirmed” by the online trans community, sending them down one particular path. (Which isn’t remotely what Affirmative Care is.)

This, of course, is just a scare mongering tactic similar to attacks against the gay community in the 80’s, claiming that they were recruiting kids, etc. Being supportive of trans kids, is being supportive of trans kids. It is not attempting to *make* anyone trans, much less pushing them to make particular personal medical decisions.

But just to put a fine point on it, I will explain what being trans IS NOT, and when I’m not “cancelled” by the completely fictional trans cabal, this will be a good test of their hypothesis.

Toys and TV Shows

Believe it or not, liking trucks and Minecraft does not make you a boy. I know, this is bizarre stuff. Did you know that liking dolls and She-Ra doesn’t make you a girl? So controversial.

Now, often boys are drawn to media and toys that are marketed toward boys, and girls are also often drawn to media and toys that are marketed toward them!

Some aren’t.

This is, of course, news to everyone.

Most kids enjoy a variety of toys and media, but also internalize cultural messages about what girls and boys are “supposed” to enjoy.

Trans kids are not immune to these tendencies and are often drawn to the media and toys that are marketed toward their gender. However, that isn’t remotely the reason they are trans and isn’t a universal experience.

Clothes and Make-up

Likewise, playing dress up or wearing certain clothes (as a child or as an adult) doesn’t determine your gender. Yes, even if you went into your mother’s closet when you were a 9 year old boy and thought her dresses were pretty. This doesn’t mean you are trans girl. It means you like pretty dresses.

But what if you go into her make-up?! And you enjoyed putting on make-up?

Guess what? That means you like make-up.

I know. I know. This is riveting stuff.

Now, do some trans girls and women like to wear clothes that are made and marketed toward girls and women. Why yes! Yes, they do! Did you know that girls and women who are not trans tend to wear girls’ and women’s clothes? Some of them even wear make-up! I know, this is a complete revelation.

Being a Tomboy

Some girls, especially as children, enjoy activities and dress in ways that are similar to what is expected of boys. A few of them even have boyish nicknames. These girls are girls. They are not boys.

Is it possible that a trans boy could be labeled a tomboy? Sure.

Is a tomboy a trans boy? No.

Being a Janegirl

Unfortunately, in many cultures boys who act in “girlish” ways are often called much worse names than janegirl, but “janegirl” is the male equivalent of tomboy and a great name for an indie rock band. These boys are boys. They are not girls.

It is possible that a trans girl could be branded a feminine or girlish boy? Sure.

Is a janegirl a trans girl? No.

Being Gay or Bisexual

According to the 2015 U.S. Transgender Survey, most trans people identify as bisexual, pansexual, asexual, or queer. Others are straight. Many are gay. Although someone’s gender and sexuality interact, gender and sexuality are not remotely the same thing.

A trans woman isn’t a REALLY GAY man, she is a woman.

A trans man isn’t a REALLY GAY woman, he is a man.

If you are a girl who has realized she is attracted to other girls, this does not make you a boy.

If you are a boy who has realized he is attracted to other boys, this does not make you a girl.

A trans boy is not a “confused lesbian”, he is a boy.

A trans girl is not a gay boy attempting to avoid homophobia, she is a girl.

In the extremely unlikely event that you are a gay person who is not trans who believes that transitioning is going to help you avoid homophobia and are determined to consistently lie to your family and to clinicians for long periods of time in order to receive gender affirming care — know that is a supremely bad plan. I know, who could possibly figure out that identifying as a member of an even more marginalized group and changing your body in ways that you will likely find distressing to avoid stigma, is a bad plan? But it’s a bad plan. Like, a REALLY bad plan.

Being Autistic

Being autistic doesn’t mean you are trans.

No, nobody actually believes this.

Why did I mention it then?

Because some people are insisting that autistic people cannot actually be trans, because it’s not unusual for trans people to also be autistic.

Logic.

Pure logic.

Disliking Puberty

Are your growth spurts and acne off-putting? Are social changes getting you down? Are period cramps or random erections not your happy place?

Thinking puberty is awkward or difficult, or even slightly traumatizing, does not mean you are trans.

Again, nobody actually believes this. Most people find change to be challenging, even when the change is expected and ultimately desired.

Now, imagine that you started changing in ways that were incongruent with your gender. You might be very upset by this in a completely different way. Disturbing thought, right? Nobody could possibly consider forcing that on anyone, could they? That would be monstrous.

Hating Your Body

Having an unhealthy relationship with your body or body image does not mean you are trans.

Body dysmorphia is a completely different condition than gender dysphoria and cannot be treated the same way. Transition will not treat body dysmorphia.

It is possible for trans people to have body dysmorphia, but treating their dysmorphia does not result in them no longer being trans.

If a traumatic event has caused you to relate to your body in a particular way, that does not mean you are trans. Trauma does not cause people to be trans. Transition will not treat trauma related mental injury or illness.

It is possible for trans people to experience trauma just like everyone else, but treating trauma related mental injury or illness does not result in them no longer being trans.

I’m going to be very serious now. Let me make this absolutely clear, being provided with quality comprehensive healthcare, including therapy for mental illness and injury is not being discouraged by anyone in any way.

Transition will not solve all problems. Nobody believes that. NOBODY.

Wanting to Get Laid

Believe it or not, wanting to get laid and thinking that transition you will get laid more, does not make you trans and is a really bad plan. You won’t magically become confident and sexy. Also, if the sexed traits of your body are incongruent with your gender, this may result in sex and relationships being awkward and uncomfortable in some ways. This is one of the many reasons trans people (as opposed to cis people who just want to get laid) often seek gender affirming medical care.

Now, is it possible that someone who is profoundly and exquisitely in denial of their transness may have made up some ridiculous excuse to transition such as “transmaxxing” to justify their transition as some desperate bold attempt to get laid more frequently?

Perhaps.

Many things have happened under the sun.

I find the possibility hilarious, frankly, but I’m pretty sure the concept, in its entirety, is a joke that only the painfully pressed are falling for.

Misogyny

Neither external nor internal misogyny makes you trans.

You can hate women and girls with a passion, including yourself, and that will not magically make you a boy.

You can be subject to the worst fucking misogynistic sexist nonsense imaginable, and that will not make you a boy.

You can even wish that you were born a boy because you hate girls and don’t like the way girls are treated, and that will not actually make you a boy.

Trans boys and men sometime grapple with internalized sexist nonsense, just like other people do, but that’s not what makes them trans, and attributing their transness to self-hatred is some grade A projection.

In the extremely unlikely event that you are a girl or woman who wishes to escape misogyny and you believe that transitioning will help you avoid misogyny and are determined to consistently lie to your family and to clinicians for long periods of time in order to receive gender affirming care — know that is a supremely bad plan. You know that plan some hypothetical gay kid had to transition out of homophobia? Your plan sucks, too, for similar reasons. You will not only be making changes to your body that you will likely find distressing, but now you have to deal with transphobia. You think society infantilizes you and fetishizes your body now, just hold on tight! Think you escaped unrealistic standards concerning your appearance? Now you get to navigate an entire new set of them! Have fun, I guess? Report back.

Kink

Being kinky doesn’t make you trans.

Having FEELINGS about tube socks or tighty-whities doesn’t actually make you a man. Having FEELINGS about frilly underwear and high heels doesn’t make you a woman. I know, weird.  

Believe it or not, people who are not trans sometimes watch porn and have casual sex. I know! How scandalous! Some of them even play dress up. Some of them even use toys and play pretend. You don’t even want to know what some of them read in romance novels and comic books.

Unmentionable!

For all I know, the person in the bathroom stall next to me is wearing her husband’s undershirt and having a moment.

Some of these cis people also fetishize trans people which drives demand for trans sex work and erotic media. Check out the most common PornHub search terms, it’s quite illuminating.

Can trans people also be kinky? It’s been known to happen, but that’s not remotely the reason they are trans.

“What about AGP and Fujoshi?” you ask, looking through the huge stash of supporting material you have on your phone for research purposes.

Let me ask you a question. If you have sexual fantasies (which most people do) what gender are you when you think of your sexy self? Your own? Okay then.

Your Appearance

Looking “like a man” doesn’t make you a man. Looking “like a woman” doesn’t make you a woman. Looking androgynous doesn’t make you non-binary.

Being gender non-conforming in your appearance doesn’t make you trans any more than being gender conforming does.

Are some trans people’s appearance gender non-conforming? Of course, but that’s not what makes them trans.

Are some trans people’s appearance gender conforming? Of course, but that’s not what makes them trans, either.  

Other People

People insisting that you are something you are not, are wrong.

Your gender identity is a fundamental aspect of yourself that isn’t dictated by other’s assumptions, your likes and dislikes, what you happen to be wearing, your sexual orientation, your background, your opinions on the topics of the day, your sexuality, or anything like that. Nobody can simply look at you and know who you are. You’re the only one who is able to know that, and you should be free to explore and discover this for yourself.

This is true for everyone.

If someone is telling you that you are not trans, they are wrong.

If someone is telling you that you are trans, they are wrong.

There is no trans cabal attempting to push people into transition. Not everyone who questions their gender at some point in their life is trans, and nobody wants people to transition who would not benefit from it.

Being trans isn’t one singular experience. Transition doesn’t mean following one particular path.

Realizing that you are trans is an act of self-discovery. Transition is a series of very personal decisions that are nobody else’s business but your own. If someone is telling you that you must do this, that, or the next thing with your body in order for your transition to be “complete” or “successful” they are wrong to do so. You own your body and your life, nobody else does – not your parents, not your family, not your spouse or partners, not your friends, not your doctors – nobody but you.  

In the extremely unlikely event that you are a cis person who wishes to be one of the cool kids and believes that transition will impress everyone and cause you to immediately be part of a close-knit community — know that is a supremely bad plan. It’s completely unnecessary. Ideally, the best plan is for everyone to live authentically.

May I suggest being a friend to others who need your support right now, who are being told that their authentic lives are somehow a problem and are living under threat.

Or become a K-pop fan. Whatever floats your boat.

Maybe both. Both are good.