Can’t Touch This!
A few weeks ago, VB brought these to my attention. A new twist on MC Hammer pants? Picnic Pants! When you need a handy table, just look to your crotch. Um, yeah. I don’t want to touch these.[image error]
Something else that shouldn’t be touched? Other people’s cell phones! Other people! Celebrities who have recently gotten in trouble for forcibly grabbing other people’s phones (presumably fans on the street snapping photos): Chris Brown (Rihanna beater, no surprise) and Russell Brand. And now we can add Johnny Depp to the list. Oh no, not Johnny! According to a recent lawsuit, Johnny Depp had his security team forcibly remove a woman from a VIP area and handcuff her, take her iPhone, and… well, read the LA Times article here. Scary stuff, if true. You always have to wonder about these stories. [image error]
You definitely can’t touch these similes and metaphors, courtesy of some Washington Post readers in 1995. We have some pretty good writers here, but I’m not sure we’re that good. Examples:
Fourth Runner-Up: Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein’s Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances. (Jennifer Frank, Washington, and Jimmy Pontzer, Sterling)
Third Runner-Up: The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas.(Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
Second Runner-Up: I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)
First Runner-Up: She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can’t sing worth a damn.(Joseph Romm, Washington)
And the winner: His fountain pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had grabbed the pope, turned him upside down and started writing with the tip of his big pointy hat. (Jeffrey Carl, Richmond)
Honorable Mentions:
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Do you want your very own pair of picnic pants? What do you think of the Johnny Depp story? True? False? Need more facts? Can you top these Washington Post similes/metaphors? Go for it!
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