The Journey Continues
I sit in an Irish pub in the middle of January, replete with emotional exhaustion, contemplating the next phase of life. I was at home alone and decided the busy noise of patrons and music was just was I needed: a glass of wine and time to reflect. I wouldn't bother with the annoyance of being disregarded. It's not that he owed me an explanation; we both decided it was time to move on, but letting me know he would be out late after work is just the bare minimum and I had to deduce that after my text: "Just checking to make sure you're okay." A single thumbs up was the reply.
New styles of communication after weeks of tears, hours of hashing out the route forward, and bouts of frustration spilling out into anger towards each other. The dreaded D-word would be in our future. He already took off his wedding ring... so I followed suit. Not because I seek company elsewhere, but because I refuse to act a martyr.
This mindset I carry with me leaves no room at this time for a future relationship. I learned to never say never but I am comfortable alone in a crowded room. I feel comfortable completely alone as well. It's a battle every moment to not get lost in cynicism for men. There's an inner voice screaming at the top of her lungs wishing to belt out at every snide remark made by him out of his own confusion. My restraint continues to surprise me but the last thing I want is to bring bitterness into my next chapter of life.
I look forward to the true freedom that the single life will bring: not ever answering to another man again. I won't be expected to perform again, clean, cook, shop, etc. I won't be placed on the back burners again. My birthdays and holidays won't be ignored for me.
I could deconvert and laugh because it's impossible to be mad at deities that don't exist but it is possible to be mad at men who continue to disappoint. I beg my internal self to process, to cry, to vent, to care for myself, and then, to let it go.
I will ride the wave that feels like a tsunami. I will let the emotions flow through me rather than bottle them up. I will look with embattled hope for a future that shines like 10,000 sun's on my face. I will imagine a success for my life that continues, despite the scars that no one else can see.
New styles of communication after weeks of tears, hours of hashing out the route forward, and bouts of frustration spilling out into anger towards each other. The dreaded D-word would be in our future. He already took off his wedding ring... so I followed suit. Not because I seek company elsewhere, but because I refuse to act a martyr.
This mindset I carry with me leaves no room at this time for a future relationship. I learned to never say never but I am comfortable alone in a crowded room. I feel comfortable completely alone as well. It's a battle every moment to not get lost in cynicism for men. There's an inner voice screaming at the top of her lungs wishing to belt out at every snide remark made by him out of his own confusion. My restraint continues to surprise me but the last thing I want is to bring bitterness into my next chapter of life.
I look forward to the true freedom that the single life will bring: not ever answering to another man again. I won't be expected to perform again, clean, cook, shop, etc. I won't be placed on the back burners again. My birthdays and holidays won't be ignored for me.
I could deconvert and laugh because it's impossible to be mad at deities that don't exist but it is possible to be mad at men who continue to disappoint. I beg my internal self to process, to cry, to vent, to care for myself, and then, to let it go.
I will ride the wave that feels like a tsunami. I will let the emotions flow through me rather than bottle them up. I will look with embattled hope for a future that shines like 10,000 sun's on my face. I will imagine a success for my life that continues, despite the scars that no one else can see.
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