Deborah Grace's Blog
October 21, 2023
Not Just Another Day
We often find ourselves pretending, masking, and putting our best foot forward to be liked – loved even – in a world filled with others doing the same thing. Feelings of inadequacy drowning the whole world in conditional something. It isn’t love. If one fails to live up to unspoken expectations, the other moves on. Are we losing something that never should have been there in the first place? Relationships built on fear. Fear of them seeing us unattractive in the morning. Will they like the real you? Can they handle the baggage, the triggers, and wrinkles?
It's not even fear anymore. It’s terrifying to think of having my heart broken again. Is it me who breaks my heart for others or does the other person break my heart? The constant struggle of identifying those red flags and trying to read another person’s intent. Are they one of the good ones or are they just looking to use me to make their life easier, for a good time, or for sport – as if I’m another conquest. There is no easy way to tell if someone is a shark. All I know is that it is never a good idea to go swimming if you’re bleeding.
I have been the stalwart. I have been the constant. I have been the safety net in others’ pursuits of their dreams. I have taken arrows of false accusations, hatred for no reason, and projection of others' own shortcomings. Moving forward on my own, I had to stop and reevaluate who I am. I had to reground, heal, and grow my own strength.
We’re told to love the inner child. It’s also the inner child who has been told they aren’t good enough and the inner child who still plagues the present. The voice that continues to question. The voice that gave space in my life for others to walk all over me. My childhood helped shape me. If I find the wrong person, I am blamed for not having healed enough. I am blamed for not having read enough books, done enough shadow work, not waiting long enough…
As women, we're judged if we try to profile: if they’re too handsome, one might wonder if they’re a player. If someone looks put together, we’re a gold digger. Profiling a person is how we protect the heart. Is it wrong? That’s subjective. Some might be able to turn off their feelings, but I can’t. I was numb for too long putting years of effort into an unknown and I value truth over fables. The internal battle dreading the social expectations, fights, loss, heartache, but, largely, we're not solitary creatures.
I am a warrior without an army. I say that knowing I’m not the main character in anyone else’s story. I’m scarred by life, and while others have helped me along the way – even carried me for several miles while I was beaten and robbed by Crusaders – I am reemerging out of the ashes. I don’t live in the past, but it is a part of me. No one is able to delete heartaches or, like a suitcase, put down memories in a room and leave them there. My scars are from battles I’ve survived. The good Samaritans, my lifelong friends. I live to fight another day and it's comforting to know that is no such thing as living in the past.
That which is mysterious is interesting to me, but I don’t want to go into a cave and get bit by a poisonous snake when I’m looking for gemstones. At this point in my life, I know that I too am a gemstone but handled improperly – used improperly – will cut like a diamond. I also know that I’m not chum for sharks. I am not a conquest. In some respects, I’m indifferent, and in others, still too raw emotionally. Still too bruised by this year’s battles to be touched but aching to be held.
It's not even fear anymore. It’s terrifying to think of having my heart broken again. Is it me who breaks my heart for others or does the other person break my heart? The constant struggle of identifying those red flags and trying to read another person’s intent. Are they one of the good ones or are they just looking to use me to make their life easier, for a good time, or for sport – as if I’m another conquest. There is no easy way to tell if someone is a shark. All I know is that it is never a good idea to go swimming if you’re bleeding.
I have been the stalwart. I have been the constant. I have been the safety net in others’ pursuits of their dreams. I have taken arrows of false accusations, hatred for no reason, and projection of others' own shortcomings. Moving forward on my own, I had to stop and reevaluate who I am. I had to reground, heal, and grow my own strength.
We’re told to love the inner child. It’s also the inner child who has been told they aren’t good enough and the inner child who still plagues the present. The voice that continues to question. The voice that gave space in my life for others to walk all over me. My childhood helped shape me. If I find the wrong person, I am blamed for not having healed enough. I am blamed for not having read enough books, done enough shadow work, not waiting long enough…
As women, we're judged if we try to profile: if they’re too handsome, one might wonder if they’re a player. If someone looks put together, we’re a gold digger. Profiling a person is how we protect the heart. Is it wrong? That’s subjective. Some might be able to turn off their feelings, but I can’t. I was numb for too long putting years of effort into an unknown and I value truth over fables. The internal battle dreading the social expectations, fights, loss, heartache, but, largely, we're not solitary creatures.
I am a warrior without an army. I say that knowing I’m not the main character in anyone else’s story. I’m scarred by life, and while others have helped me along the way – even carried me for several miles while I was beaten and robbed by Crusaders – I am reemerging out of the ashes. I don’t live in the past, but it is a part of me. No one is able to delete heartaches or, like a suitcase, put down memories in a room and leave them there. My scars are from battles I’ve survived. The good Samaritans, my lifelong friends. I live to fight another day and it's comforting to know that is no such thing as living in the past.
That which is mysterious is interesting to me, but I don’t want to go into a cave and get bit by a poisonous snake when I’m looking for gemstones. At this point in my life, I know that I too am a gemstone but handled improperly – used improperly – will cut like a diamond. I also know that I’m not chum for sharks. I am not a conquest. In some respects, I’m indifferent, and in others, still too raw emotionally. Still too bruised by this year’s battles to be touched but aching to be held.
January 18, 2023
The Journey Continues
I sit in an Irish pub in the middle of January, replete with emotional exhaustion, contemplating the next phase of life. I was at home alone and decided the busy noise of patrons and music was just was I needed: a glass of wine and time to reflect. I wouldn't bother with the annoyance of being disregarded. It's not that he owed me an explanation; we both decided it was time to move on, but letting me know he would be out late after work is just the bare minimum and I had to deduce that after my text: "Just checking to make sure you're okay." A single thumbs up was the reply.
New styles of communication after weeks of tears, hours of hashing out the route forward, and bouts of frustration spilling out into anger towards each other. The dreaded D-word would be in our future. He already took off his wedding ring... so I followed suit. Not because I seek company elsewhere, but because I refuse to act a martyr.
This mindset I carry with me leaves no room at this time for a future relationship. I learned to never say never but I am comfortable alone in a crowded room. I feel comfortable completely alone as well. It's a battle every moment to not get lost in cynicism for men. There's an inner voice screaming at the top of her lungs wishing to belt out at every snide remark made by him out of his own confusion. My restraint continues to surprise me but the last thing I want is to bring bitterness into my next chapter of life.
I look forward to the true freedom that the single life will bring: not ever answering to another man again. I won't be expected to perform again, clean, cook, shop, etc. I won't be placed on the back burners again. My birthdays and holidays won't be ignored for me.
I could deconvert and laugh because it's impossible to be mad at deities that don't exist but it is possible to be mad at men who continue to disappoint. I beg my internal self to process, to cry, to vent, to care for myself, and then, to let it go.
I will ride the wave that feels like a tsunami. I will let the emotions flow through me rather than bottle them up. I will look with embattled hope for a future that shines like 10,000 sun's on my face. I will imagine a success for my life that continues, despite the scars that no one else can see.
New styles of communication after weeks of tears, hours of hashing out the route forward, and bouts of frustration spilling out into anger towards each other. The dreaded D-word would be in our future. He already took off his wedding ring... so I followed suit. Not because I seek company elsewhere, but because I refuse to act a martyr.
This mindset I carry with me leaves no room at this time for a future relationship. I learned to never say never but I am comfortable alone in a crowded room. I feel comfortable completely alone as well. It's a battle every moment to not get lost in cynicism for men. There's an inner voice screaming at the top of her lungs wishing to belt out at every snide remark made by him out of his own confusion. My restraint continues to surprise me but the last thing I want is to bring bitterness into my next chapter of life.
I look forward to the true freedom that the single life will bring: not ever answering to another man again. I won't be expected to perform again, clean, cook, shop, etc. I won't be placed on the back burners again. My birthdays and holidays won't be ignored for me.
I could deconvert and laugh because it's impossible to be mad at deities that don't exist but it is possible to be mad at men who continue to disappoint. I beg my internal self to process, to cry, to vent, to care for myself, and then, to let it go.
I will ride the wave that feels like a tsunami. I will let the emotions flow through me rather than bottle them up. I will look with embattled hope for a future that shines like 10,000 sun's on my face. I will imagine a success for my life that continues, despite the scars that no one else can see.
July 13, 2022
Binding
I am unforgiving after seven years of lies
Out of only obligation, do my words to you arise
Thinly-veiled threats that forced my hand
Do not think that we’ll ever be on good terms again
Since the lines have opened and you seek to say your peace
I bind your words from damage to my world – from your disease
Children are not pawns, to get your own way
Your projection is revealing in the things that you say
When boundaries are crossed to satiate your needs
Don’t be surprised when the angry wolf feeds
The façade was for you – the adults saw right through
Your games
Your lies
Your emotional abuse
Being “real” doesn’t excuse
Unbecoming behavior to rationalize your views
I pity those who see you as a woman to become -
Manipulating others for your afternoon fun
But words have ways of finding and binding
You’ll never outrun
Hoping one day we can undo the damage you’ve done
Little girl, you have no idea of whom you tried your hand
For I will not be blinded by your venomous little plan
If you ever think you’re welcome to cross my threshold door
My hearth and home are ice to you – you're welcome here no more
There will not be a moments peace
The walls will bid you leave
I withdraw any blessing
I call out your deceit
Because all you have is from your lips that cheat [twice]
And a heart of conceit
Out of only obligation, do my words to you arise
Thinly-veiled threats that forced my hand
Do not think that we’ll ever be on good terms again
Since the lines have opened and you seek to say your peace
I bind your words from damage to my world – from your disease
Children are not pawns, to get your own way
Your projection is revealing in the things that you say
When boundaries are crossed to satiate your needs
Don’t be surprised when the angry wolf feeds
The façade was for you – the adults saw right through
Your games
Your lies
Your emotional abuse
Being “real” doesn’t excuse
Unbecoming behavior to rationalize your views
I pity those who see you as a woman to become -
Manipulating others for your afternoon fun
But words have ways of finding and binding
You’ll never outrun
Hoping one day we can undo the damage you’ve done
Little girl, you have no idea of whom you tried your hand
For I will not be blinded by your venomous little plan
If you ever think you’re welcome to cross my threshold door
My hearth and home are ice to you – you're welcome here no more
There will not be a moments peace
The walls will bid you leave
I withdraw any blessing
I call out your deceit
Because all you have is from your lips that cheat [twice]
And a heart of conceit
April 12, 2022
Peer Pressure
When it comes to peer pressure, I posit that the best example of this is found in church. You feel like all eyes are on you.
Are your children behaving well enough? Is your dress modest enough? Will they ask you again why your husband isn’t here? Did you confess all your sins to be able to partake in communion? Should you have watched that movie Wednesday night even though it had sex and cussing in it? Was God’s wrath angered when you pretended not to notice the homeless man with a sign on the freeway exit ramp? Is it proper etiquette to wear cologne at church or does that come off as desperate and Tinder-esque? Do you hug the guy at church as usual or refrain because he’s newly divorced? Do you drive the new car to church or is that too showy and may cause others to covet and stumble in their own walk? Do you put money in the offering tray or not because you give online – but others don’t know that. Do you lift your hands even though you feel uncomfortable doing so? Do you sit down because you forgot breakfast but no one else is sitting down? Do you ask the pastor about his interpretation of that scripture or is that out of line to even suggest he took it out of context? Do you lie and fake speaking in tongues so that others will believe you have been baptized in the Holy Spirit and you can continue to go to your favorite church or do stay quiet and receive the looks of condemnation from others? Do you put your arm around your significant other or would that make the singles feel uncomfortable? Do you not put your arm around your significant other and if you don’t, would others think you’re having problems in your relationship? Is it inappropriate to smile during the sermon at the person you would like to get to know better? Do you stay after church and if so, how long is an appropriate time? Is it wrong to check the football scores on your phone in the pew? Do you have to confess that self-love act from the other day or can you take that to your grave and if so, will God send you to hell for it? Should that mother be nursing in the pew even though she’s covered up or are the suckling sounds arousing the men here? Does the pastor absolutely have to change his voice, tone, cadence, and volume while he’s behind the pulpit because it sounds so fake and is that bad to be thinking those thoughts of a man of God? Are these shoes too high for church? Is that watch too fancy? Why is the volume turned up on that one singer and no one can hear the others – pride? Is the rainbow sticker on that car in the parking lot for God’s covenant after the flood or to support the LGBTQIA+ community? Is it bad to show up intentionally after the announcements and worship songs? How far do you want to drive after service to avoid running into members of your church at lunch?
So many questions, judgements, shaming, self-shaming… the scriptures that support some of these toxic thoughts do not help matters. The pressure from yourself and others to behave a certain way and to expect certain behaviors from others is nothing short of torturous. Who made these rules? Was there ever a religion – pagan or not – that didn’t have a “high place” that people went for praises, worship, offerings, and what makes bible believers think that their “church” isn’t one of the “high places” mentioned in scripture?
These weekly obligations to show up and perform are eerily similar to the gossip halls of high school. Depending on your attendance throughout the week, one may be tied for hours logged to their education. Between the bible studies and the baked good for potlucks, the strain to appear holy (but humble) leaves many feeling over-stimulated in the presence of so many others and criticized even if not a single word was spoken. You’re always wondering if you measure up to everyone else and especially in the eyes of God.
What greater waste of time and energy than to keep the sheep in a constant state of panic? Weekly meetings of virtual self-flagellation to keep one in line, keep one feeling guilty for their thoughts and actions, rinse, and repeat.
Are your children behaving well enough? Is your dress modest enough? Will they ask you again why your husband isn’t here? Did you confess all your sins to be able to partake in communion? Should you have watched that movie Wednesday night even though it had sex and cussing in it? Was God’s wrath angered when you pretended not to notice the homeless man with a sign on the freeway exit ramp? Is it proper etiquette to wear cologne at church or does that come off as desperate and Tinder-esque? Do you hug the guy at church as usual or refrain because he’s newly divorced? Do you drive the new car to church or is that too showy and may cause others to covet and stumble in their own walk? Do you put money in the offering tray or not because you give online – but others don’t know that. Do you lift your hands even though you feel uncomfortable doing so? Do you sit down because you forgot breakfast but no one else is sitting down? Do you ask the pastor about his interpretation of that scripture or is that out of line to even suggest he took it out of context? Do you lie and fake speaking in tongues so that others will believe you have been baptized in the Holy Spirit and you can continue to go to your favorite church or do stay quiet and receive the looks of condemnation from others? Do you put your arm around your significant other or would that make the singles feel uncomfortable? Do you not put your arm around your significant other and if you don’t, would others think you’re having problems in your relationship? Is it inappropriate to smile during the sermon at the person you would like to get to know better? Do you stay after church and if so, how long is an appropriate time? Is it wrong to check the football scores on your phone in the pew? Do you have to confess that self-love act from the other day or can you take that to your grave and if so, will God send you to hell for it? Should that mother be nursing in the pew even though she’s covered up or are the suckling sounds arousing the men here? Does the pastor absolutely have to change his voice, tone, cadence, and volume while he’s behind the pulpit because it sounds so fake and is that bad to be thinking those thoughts of a man of God? Are these shoes too high for church? Is that watch too fancy? Why is the volume turned up on that one singer and no one can hear the others – pride? Is the rainbow sticker on that car in the parking lot for God’s covenant after the flood or to support the LGBTQIA+ community? Is it bad to show up intentionally after the announcements and worship songs? How far do you want to drive after service to avoid running into members of your church at lunch?
So many questions, judgements, shaming, self-shaming… the scriptures that support some of these toxic thoughts do not help matters. The pressure from yourself and others to behave a certain way and to expect certain behaviors from others is nothing short of torturous. Who made these rules? Was there ever a religion – pagan or not – that didn’t have a “high place” that people went for praises, worship, offerings, and what makes bible believers think that their “church” isn’t one of the “high places” mentioned in scripture?
These weekly obligations to show up and perform are eerily similar to the gossip halls of high school. Depending on your attendance throughout the week, one may be tied for hours logged to their education. Between the bible studies and the baked good for potlucks, the strain to appear holy (but humble) leaves many feeling over-stimulated in the presence of so many others and criticized even if not a single word was spoken. You’re always wondering if you measure up to everyone else and especially in the eyes of God.
What greater waste of time and energy than to keep the sheep in a constant state of panic? Weekly meetings of virtual self-flagellation to keep one in line, keep one feeling guilty for their thoughts and actions, rinse, and repeat.
February 12, 2022
Shunning
It's disturbing that the Bible sanctions shunning, an action that affects the psyche of those being shunned in traumatic ways. I abhor such actions, but I'm not surprised by it. "I will never leave you nor forsake you... unless you question my existence." The word "never" doesn't mean what HE thinks it means.
Feeling forsaken and betrayed by what we once thought was a living God and then by those who have conditions attached to their relationship with you. Doubly gut-punched. There is no shortcut through the heartaches that are inevitably attached to a loss of faith. The grieving process is real, tangible, and should never be invalidated or dismissed by some false accusation to say you were never a real Christian.
Believers will deny that shunning occurs but scour the scriptures to find reasons to do just that - and those verses are indeed there.
Romans 14:23 states, "Whatever is not from faith is sin" and Hebrews 3:12 "Take care, brethren, lest there be any of you an evil heart of unbelief leading you to fall away from the living God." These firewalls and backstops in scriptures tell the believers to act in a way that we know in today's psychology to be damaging and, quite frankly, immoral. Who can claim to be of a loving religion and simultaneously shun friends and family? It is only the Bible that dares call skeptisicm a sin and only by its own standards retaliates with threats of hell for questioning the existence of the biblical God. If real, the deafening silence over millennia does not warrant hellfire for unbelief.
Matthew 10:14 states, "And in whatsoever place you enter, and they receive you not, in my name you shall leave a curse instead of a blessing, by casting off the dust of your feet against them as a testimony, and cleansing your feet by the wayside." Because not even the dirt from their property should go with you. If that isn't a high insult to one who is not convinced of this "loving" God, I don't know what is and this ritualistic "curse" reeks of witchcraft and superstition. Real freedom comes from not caring what other people think of you, but apparently this God of the Bible seems to have extremely thin skin and insecurity issues.
2 Timothy 3:1-5 is summarized to say that those who are unholy (not "set apart" in the body of Christ), traitors, denying the power [of God], that the believer should "from such turn away." The bible does advocate the alienation a separation of believers from those who are non-believers. As dysfunctional as this is, their scriptures tell them it is to, by [their] sorrow and as a type of discipline, bring them back into the faith (2 Cor 2:6-11). Emotional Neglect is one of the most toxic forms of emotional abuse and here we find the alleged creator of the universe advocating for it.
The mentality that one is "spiritually dead" and therefore unclean is doctrine that is taught in churches and confirmed in scripture by instruction to not listen to those who have fallen away (Heb 3:12-19), and that those voices are from "demons" (1 Tim 4:1). Telling others "not to listen" is not just Economic Abuse by way of hindering one's education (we can learn from many sources), but dehumanizes non-believers and rendering them all "of the devil" casting fear into the hearts of millions while solidifying castegation as a modus operandi.
God uses his people vicariously to execute his vengeance towards those who would not submit to him by (biblically approved) bullying the "outsiders" in classic warlike fashion; his sheep are his pawns. This bellacose God is not benevolent in his clear attempts to divide and conquer. While the Bible may claim his mercy seat is unending, this blood-thirsty God is the least merciful when investigating the claims of his actions and the nonbelievers are deemed fodder.
So general are some of the fortune-cookie-style predictions that it should come as no surprise to either the former believer and the believer that the excuses were given after the fact to say "many will fall away" (Mt 24:10-13)... and no wonder - it doesn't take a rocket scientist to "predict" that people would eventually see through the nonsense, hate, selective supremacy, bigotry, extortion, fear, and lies of the bible and reject it. The bible is claimed to be "God-breathed" and if that were true, this God is not worthy of worship.
The act of this alienation of former believers has caused more heartache than any good the faith can possibly do. This is partly why I wrote my book, Crucifying the Bible - for those who need reassurance that they didn't do the wrong thing: to prove the scriptures do not support themselves. I disproved the claims of the bible, using the verses in it to do so and I hope it serves to provide answers to those who need them.
- Deborah Grace
Author, Crucifying the Bible
Feeling forsaken and betrayed by what we once thought was a living God and then by those who have conditions attached to their relationship with you. Doubly gut-punched. There is no shortcut through the heartaches that are inevitably attached to a loss of faith. The grieving process is real, tangible, and should never be invalidated or dismissed by some false accusation to say you were never a real Christian.
Believers will deny that shunning occurs but scour the scriptures to find reasons to do just that - and those verses are indeed there.
Romans 14:23 states, "Whatever is not from faith is sin" and Hebrews 3:12 "Take care, brethren, lest there be any of you an evil heart of unbelief leading you to fall away from the living God." These firewalls and backstops in scriptures tell the believers to act in a way that we know in today's psychology to be damaging and, quite frankly, immoral. Who can claim to be of a loving religion and simultaneously shun friends and family? It is only the Bible that dares call skeptisicm a sin and only by its own standards retaliates with threats of hell for questioning the existence of the biblical God. If real, the deafening silence over millennia does not warrant hellfire for unbelief.
Matthew 10:14 states, "And in whatsoever place you enter, and they receive you not, in my name you shall leave a curse instead of a blessing, by casting off the dust of your feet against them as a testimony, and cleansing your feet by the wayside." Because not even the dirt from their property should go with you. If that isn't a high insult to one who is not convinced of this "loving" God, I don't know what is and this ritualistic "curse" reeks of witchcraft and superstition. Real freedom comes from not caring what other people think of you, but apparently this God of the Bible seems to have extremely thin skin and insecurity issues.
2 Timothy 3:1-5 is summarized to say that those who are unholy (not "set apart" in the body of Christ), traitors, denying the power [of God], that the believer should "from such turn away." The bible does advocate the alienation a separation of believers from those who are non-believers. As dysfunctional as this is, their scriptures tell them it is to, by [their] sorrow and as a type of discipline, bring them back into the faith (2 Cor 2:6-11). Emotional Neglect is one of the most toxic forms of emotional abuse and here we find the alleged creator of the universe advocating for it.
The mentality that one is "spiritually dead" and therefore unclean is doctrine that is taught in churches and confirmed in scripture by instruction to not listen to those who have fallen away (Heb 3:12-19), and that those voices are from "demons" (1 Tim 4:1). Telling others "not to listen" is not just Economic Abuse by way of hindering one's education (we can learn from many sources), but dehumanizes non-believers and rendering them all "of the devil" casting fear into the hearts of millions while solidifying castegation as a modus operandi.
God uses his people vicariously to execute his vengeance towards those who would not submit to him by (biblically approved) bullying the "outsiders" in classic warlike fashion; his sheep are his pawns. This bellacose God is not benevolent in his clear attempts to divide and conquer. While the Bible may claim his mercy seat is unending, this blood-thirsty God is the least merciful when investigating the claims of his actions and the nonbelievers are deemed fodder.
So general are some of the fortune-cookie-style predictions that it should come as no surprise to either the former believer and the believer that the excuses were given after the fact to say "many will fall away" (Mt 24:10-13)... and no wonder - it doesn't take a rocket scientist to "predict" that people would eventually see through the nonsense, hate, selective supremacy, bigotry, extortion, fear, and lies of the bible and reject it. The bible is claimed to be "God-breathed" and if that were true, this God is not worthy of worship.
The act of this alienation of former believers has caused more heartache than any good the faith can possibly do. This is partly why I wrote my book, Crucifying the Bible - for those who need reassurance that they didn't do the wrong thing: to prove the scriptures do not support themselves. I disproved the claims of the bible, using the verses in it to do so and I hope it serves to provide answers to those who need them.
- Deborah Grace
Author, Crucifying the Bible
December 18, 2021
The Transparent Mirror
By nature, I’m an introvert. I was painfully shy in high school and often mistaken for being a snob because of it. It has been quite a journey to open up and be vulnerable to the masses, revealing my history – of believing in myths and being superstitious of angering an imaginary deity. The road from being an awkward outcast who was made fun of and bullied in my youth to finding my self-confidence has been arduous and painful. I’ve had to admit my mistakes and learn from those lessons while simultaneously embracing the growth that comes along with that. I’ve had to release the importance of what other people think about me and learn to care about what I think about myself. I had to learn to love who I am.
The years of self-imprisonment created a funneling effect to the single point of focus; the maddening hours of study of a fringe religious sect: Christianity, the Bible, and Messianic Hebrew Roots. What was my warden, became my pardon. The education of scripture revealed the keys to escaping its bars and walls. My words are my way of showing others the path to freedom.
My growth never stops and my love of learning never ends. It is my desire to accept constructive criticism with poise and admit my mistakes with grace. As such, I have been shown a flaw in one of my scripture references in my book and will be revising it to reflect that change. It doesn’t change the conclusions nor any of the points that I have made, but it is my wish that nothing is misrepresented and that my ability to accept correction is never hindered by pride or any other element of arrogance. I am human and am not impervious to errors. My ultimate goal is to one day look back at my life and be happy with the steps I made to be the best version of myself that I can be.
I find myself still being snarky at times, and it is in those moments that I need to ask if the recipient has intentionally provoked those responses or if my words are unwarranted; perhaps even a mirroring of a darker part of myself unresolved. I often receive feedback from others that I should avoid such interactions and/or that I didn’t go far enough. But I am the one that must be able to look at myself each morning and be in love with the reflection. I am a perpetual work in progress and hope that each of you understand that... as I work to understand the progress within all of you.
The social media platform is one that has evolved into a bittersweet workspace for those of us who create and wish to share those creations with the world. We must adapt and adjust to the wide-ranging responses that morph over time - sometimes into greater contrasts of brighter love and darker hate. As such, and to remain transparent, I have adopted the practice of blocking the messenger option until such time that I can trust the person behind the profile – to protect my energy and to avoid a malignant sense of cynicism from metastasizing on my inner being. The balance of criticizing the faith in religious texts is precarious at best and can veer into toxicity if gone unchecked. I stand checked and am better for it.
I am still mostly an introvert at heart. I seek to become better at empathy and to reveal myself as approachable and real to others and I invite you to share your stories with me. The comments you leave help me get to know you, and as time permits, vice versa. The reviews you write help me write better. The constructive criticism you give helps me dig deeper. The stories you share helps me grow in compassion and empathy. The more genuine we are with each other, the better humanity is for it.
Much love to you all,
Deborah Grace
The years of self-imprisonment created a funneling effect to the single point of focus; the maddening hours of study of a fringe religious sect: Christianity, the Bible, and Messianic Hebrew Roots. What was my warden, became my pardon. The education of scripture revealed the keys to escaping its bars and walls. My words are my way of showing others the path to freedom.
My growth never stops and my love of learning never ends. It is my desire to accept constructive criticism with poise and admit my mistakes with grace. As such, I have been shown a flaw in one of my scripture references in my book and will be revising it to reflect that change. It doesn’t change the conclusions nor any of the points that I have made, but it is my wish that nothing is misrepresented and that my ability to accept correction is never hindered by pride or any other element of arrogance. I am human and am not impervious to errors. My ultimate goal is to one day look back at my life and be happy with the steps I made to be the best version of myself that I can be.
I find myself still being snarky at times, and it is in those moments that I need to ask if the recipient has intentionally provoked those responses or if my words are unwarranted; perhaps even a mirroring of a darker part of myself unresolved. I often receive feedback from others that I should avoid such interactions and/or that I didn’t go far enough. But I am the one that must be able to look at myself each morning and be in love with the reflection. I am a perpetual work in progress and hope that each of you understand that... as I work to understand the progress within all of you.
The social media platform is one that has evolved into a bittersweet workspace for those of us who create and wish to share those creations with the world. We must adapt and adjust to the wide-ranging responses that morph over time - sometimes into greater contrasts of brighter love and darker hate. As such, and to remain transparent, I have adopted the practice of blocking the messenger option until such time that I can trust the person behind the profile – to protect my energy and to avoid a malignant sense of cynicism from metastasizing on my inner being. The balance of criticizing the faith in religious texts is precarious at best and can veer into toxicity if gone unchecked. I stand checked and am better for it.
I am still mostly an introvert at heart. I seek to become better at empathy and to reveal myself as approachable and real to others and I invite you to share your stories with me. The comments you leave help me get to know you, and as time permits, vice versa. The reviews you write help me write better. The constructive criticism you give helps me dig deeper. The stories you share helps me grow in compassion and empathy. The more genuine we are with each other, the better humanity is for it.
Much love to you all,
Deborah Grace
November 15, 2021
Not His Mom
Anyone in the military will attest to being instructed on the fundamentals of self-sufficiency. They make their bed, fold their own clothes, know (in great detail) how to clean a restroom, some are given potato-peeling duty, and with great diligence, are taught the importance of teamwork. While much of the military is still male-heavy – and I do not discount the biological differences between sexes – the framework of the training gives a solid foundation to teamwork in marriage. After boot camp, there is no excuse for a man to not share in the domestic chores unless deployed or preparing for or re-integrating from a deployment. Most assignments follow the same labor laws as any other company in the United States and apart from the uniform that is intended to evoke a concept of perpetually arduous working conditions, the jobs are limited to current workforce rules and regulations. But more important to my point, boot camps program their recruits that the military is not their mom.
Lost on a large swath of society is the fact that a wife is also not their mother. I would argue that this is the single, largest contributing factor to the perpetuating misogyny in the world. I believe that men initially want their wives to conform to the stereotype of cooking and cleaning for them as their mothers did. It is the mothers who have the power to change this stereotype for the next generations. As society continues the barrage of programming to consume and the requirements are needed for two incomes, the unfair expectation that follows for a woman to leave work at the end of the day and start her second shift at home while the man unwinds, is monumentally sexist and a form of pressured slavery and abuse. Those in psychology expect those who saw and/or survived that system to promulgate it to the next generation, and that exposes the cycle of abuse as unresolved trauma and conditioning.
How convenient for a man to “become a man” only to find a woman willing to give him sex (and potentially a lineage), cook, clean, and for some, provide a second income. Additional social pressures for a woman to retain a seductive figure leave the feminine class at a severe disadvantage when it comes to the perfectionist woman whose mind keeps her from getting a full eight hours of recommended sleep and wears herself out aging.
Adding insult to injury are those women who have sacrificed their youth, years of accommodating, and doting on their husbands only to be abandoned for a younger or more beautiful woman. Of course, this is cliché, but not uncommon. Often, the next wife is not nearly as submissive. Why? Because I would argue that most men don’t want a mother as a wife. This is not natural, and much could be said (and has) to the psychological issues that arise when pigeon-holing a wife into mothering him. A woman should not fill both roles to her husband.
When a wife becomes a mother, she understands the importance of repetition as a form of training her children to conform to becoming responsible adults. The problem arises when that subconscious understanding spills over into the motherly duties she does as a wife. Cleaning up after a grown man all of a sudden conjures feelings of anger. "How am I supposed to teach our children (particularly sons) to clean up after themselves when I have to constantly clean up after my husband?" a woman may ask herself. Anger is a signal that tells us we have one of two things happening:
1.) We did not clearly communicate our expectations/boundaries
2.) Someone else crossed our boundaries
Thousands of years of cultures and religious superstitions have exploited the woman into being free labor and sexual gratification. Why else has there been such resistance to change? Wives nag because they have blurred the lines of wife and mother. Men don’t want to be married to their mothers but do want to be taken care of in the same manner their mothers took care of them. Early in marriages, many women find it hard to get along with their husband’s mothers and the mothers-in-law are seeing themselves being replaced. This dichotomy causes problems because it is unnatural. Mothers should never be replaced but should be happy to see their independent sons showing off their ability to be self-sufficient in the new partnership and journey in life with whom they have chosen to share.
Women do not consciously marry to become a mother to their husbands, but unfortunately, much of society, antiquated societal norms, and archaic mythological religions continue to foment this toxic notion. Adding to the dysfunctional nature of this type of marriage are the cult-like ideals that a woman is to submit to her husband. So, a woman is expected to remain pure until marriage, be handed off from her father to her husband, please him in the bedroom, mother him in the kitchen, but have no real authority (as she would mothering her own children). And people wonder why women get emotional – we’re being given contradictory information and expected to comply. We’re told in the first chapters of Genesis that we were created as an afterthought when Adam couldn’t find a suitable partner among the animals.
Roles are gender-specific because society has perpetuated them as such and dangerous religious texts, including the bible, are riddled with contradictory passages. Hypocritical women such as Lori Alexander make it a point to ignore these contradictions and have deleted my comments on her public posts when I pointed them out. She claims to teach the bible to younger women but fails to provide them with even meager accommodations found in that very bible. Framing the passages in context, the readers are not privy to the letters from the churches that prompted Paul’s responses and the New Testament letters of Paul that state he desires women remain silent in churches (the Greek word ekklesia means assembly and does not refer to a building), shame-faced, sober, modest, submissive, subservient, and obedient in all matters to her husband. Lori adamantly impresses upon her followers that this includes providing sex to husbands even when a wife doesn’t feel like it. Non-consensual sex and marital rape are not okay, and I am appalled that social media platforms have not removed her accounts. Teaching younger women to subject themselves to repeated sexual trauma is nothing short of abhorrent and should be illegal on all fronts.
As a Christian, I used to point out the Proverbs 31 woman who considered a field (vineyard) and bought it, who sold belts to the tradesmen, who was honored by her family, and praised in the gates of the city. It should not go unnoticed that the Proverbs 31 woman, also had servants of her own. Sarah had her own servant Hagar. Rachel watered the camels and later both her and her sister Leah, had servants. I would also highlight the story of Deborah, who is said to have been a wife, a prophetess (you cannot be silent in church as a prophetess), a judge (anointed by God for 40 years), and a general in the army (whose second in command would not fight without her presence on the battlefield). Hannah went to the temple without her husband to pray and it’s also noted in the story that her husband asked, “Am I not better to you than ten sons?” Jacob cooked. Adam was commanded to tend to the garden. The disciples prepared Passover and distributed food to thousands. In the story of Joseph, the Pharaoh’s baker was a man. The Samaritan of John chapter four was a woman and the first recorded missionary in scripture. As I stated in Crucifying the Bible, there are five Old Testament female prophets (Ex 15:20, Num 12:2, Judg 4:4-6, 2 Kings 22:14-15, 2 Chron 34:22, Neh 6:14, Is 8:3) but there are several in the New Testament as well (Lk 2:36-38, Acts 21:9) which contradict the notion that women should remain silent in church as the Greek makes it clear some of Anna’s listeners were male as she was led by the Holy Spirit to speak about Jesus to all who were looking for redemption.
Not to advocate as a liberal Christian would, the Proverbs 31 woman is unnamed, and Deborah didn’t get the privilege of judging from the temple; she had to judge on a hill between two trees.
I couldn’t see it then, but not even the bible conforms 100% to gender-specific roles. Neither my husband nor myself, changed overnight. It was my husband who recognized the hardships that women face in both societies and religion. My ambitions and drive to succeed in life blossomed when I left my faith. My husband became less stoic and serious – he softened to my needs and became more understanding and supportive. I still love his assertive nature and protective instincts, but we have both come to appreciate a partnership and mutual respect for each other’s strengths and contributions rather than archaic expectations based on mythology. Without having expressed or communicated the need for the change, the alterations in our marriage happened organically and slowly over time. It was good that it happened that way to not shock our systems or force it begrudgingly. Releasing the bonds of religion allowed growth in both of us and deeper love.
I don't operate the tractor or mow the lawn, but I do help trim the hedges, spray the weeds, paint (which I love and am good at), and care for my roses. We share the laundry, take turns loading the dishwasher, and I'll sweep and mop while he vacuums. I consolidate the trashes and he takes it out.
Looking back on our time as believers, it is no wonder some women stuck in "traditional" role arrangements end up nagging their men. While a man may find a very possessive relationship to be a sign of masculinity to others, the extreme situations inevitably expose a codependent and juvenile nature wherein he requires – and even demands it in some cases – for his wife to fill a mother role. This may reveal an unhealthy obsession in rare cases, perhaps even sexually, with his mother. For some, religion contaminates a marriage by fostering an abnormal display of maternal coddling to grown men.
Ironically, the bible commands a man to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. It does not say to replace a mother with a wife, whereby the letters from Paul were added as canon to scripture to add restrictive and submissive characteristics to a “godly” woman. Analyzing these relational dynamics, I have to wonder if the motivation for moving women into an underclass was rooted in fear of leaving his mother, laziness, or if it was a desire for control that prompted these societal changes from the ages of worshiping goddesses? Women used to be revered. There is not a single person alive who cannot give credit to a woman for their life. I don't advocate returning to mythological superstitions and worship of unproven deities, but I do advocate for the return of balance. I respect and honor my husband's divine masculine energy, but he equally respects and honors my divine feminine engergy.
Lost on a large swath of society is the fact that a wife is also not their mother. I would argue that this is the single, largest contributing factor to the perpetuating misogyny in the world. I believe that men initially want their wives to conform to the stereotype of cooking and cleaning for them as their mothers did. It is the mothers who have the power to change this stereotype for the next generations. As society continues the barrage of programming to consume and the requirements are needed for two incomes, the unfair expectation that follows for a woman to leave work at the end of the day and start her second shift at home while the man unwinds, is monumentally sexist and a form of pressured slavery and abuse. Those in psychology expect those who saw and/or survived that system to promulgate it to the next generation, and that exposes the cycle of abuse as unresolved trauma and conditioning.
How convenient for a man to “become a man” only to find a woman willing to give him sex (and potentially a lineage), cook, clean, and for some, provide a second income. Additional social pressures for a woman to retain a seductive figure leave the feminine class at a severe disadvantage when it comes to the perfectionist woman whose mind keeps her from getting a full eight hours of recommended sleep and wears herself out aging.
Adding insult to injury are those women who have sacrificed their youth, years of accommodating, and doting on their husbands only to be abandoned for a younger or more beautiful woman. Of course, this is cliché, but not uncommon. Often, the next wife is not nearly as submissive. Why? Because I would argue that most men don’t want a mother as a wife. This is not natural, and much could be said (and has) to the psychological issues that arise when pigeon-holing a wife into mothering him. A woman should not fill both roles to her husband.
When a wife becomes a mother, she understands the importance of repetition as a form of training her children to conform to becoming responsible adults. The problem arises when that subconscious understanding spills over into the motherly duties she does as a wife. Cleaning up after a grown man all of a sudden conjures feelings of anger. "How am I supposed to teach our children (particularly sons) to clean up after themselves when I have to constantly clean up after my husband?" a woman may ask herself. Anger is a signal that tells us we have one of two things happening:
1.) We did not clearly communicate our expectations/boundaries
2.) Someone else crossed our boundaries
Thousands of years of cultures and religious superstitions have exploited the woman into being free labor and sexual gratification. Why else has there been such resistance to change? Wives nag because they have blurred the lines of wife and mother. Men don’t want to be married to their mothers but do want to be taken care of in the same manner their mothers took care of them. Early in marriages, many women find it hard to get along with their husband’s mothers and the mothers-in-law are seeing themselves being replaced. This dichotomy causes problems because it is unnatural. Mothers should never be replaced but should be happy to see their independent sons showing off their ability to be self-sufficient in the new partnership and journey in life with whom they have chosen to share.
Women do not consciously marry to become a mother to their husbands, but unfortunately, much of society, antiquated societal norms, and archaic mythological religions continue to foment this toxic notion. Adding to the dysfunctional nature of this type of marriage are the cult-like ideals that a woman is to submit to her husband. So, a woman is expected to remain pure until marriage, be handed off from her father to her husband, please him in the bedroom, mother him in the kitchen, but have no real authority (as she would mothering her own children). And people wonder why women get emotional – we’re being given contradictory information and expected to comply. We’re told in the first chapters of Genesis that we were created as an afterthought when Adam couldn’t find a suitable partner among the animals.
Roles are gender-specific because society has perpetuated them as such and dangerous religious texts, including the bible, are riddled with contradictory passages. Hypocritical women such as Lori Alexander make it a point to ignore these contradictions and have deleted my comments on her public posts when I pointed them out. She claims to teach the bible to younger women but fails to provide them with even meager accommodations found in that very bible. Framing the passages in context, the readers are not privy to the letters from the churches that prompted Paul’s responses and the New Testament letters of Paul that state he desires women remain silent in churches (the Greek word ekklesia means assembly and does not refer to a building), shame-faced, sober, modest, submissive, subservient, and obedient in all matters to her husband. Lori adamantly impresses upon her followers that this includes providing sex to husbands even when a wife doesn’t feel like it. Non-consensual sex and marital rape are not okay, and I am appalled that social media platforms have not removed her accounts. Teaching younger women to subject themselves to repeated sexual trauma is nothing short of abhorrent and should be illegal on all fronts.
As a Christian, I used to point out the Proverbs 31 woman who considered a field (vineyard) and bought it, who sold belts to the tradesmen, who was honored by her family, and praised in the gates of the city. It should not go unnoticed that the Proverbs 31 woman, also had servants of her own. Sarah had her own servant Hagar. Rachel watered the camels and later both her and her sister Leah, had servants. I would also highlight the story of Deborah, who is said to have been a wife, a prophetess (you cannot be silent in church as a prophetess), a judge (anointed by God for 40 years), and a general in the army (whose second in command would not fight without her presence on the battlefield). Hannah went to the temple without her husband to pray and it’s also noted in the story that her husband asked, “Am I not better to you than ten sons?” Jacob cooked. Adam was commanded to tend to the garden. The disciples prepared Passover and distributed food to thousands. In the story of Joseph, the Pharaoh’s baker was a man. The Samaritan of John chapter four was a woman and the first recorded missionary in scripture. As I stated in Crucifying the Bible, there are five Old Testament female prophets (Ex 15:20, Num 12:2, Judg 4:4-6, 2 Kings 22:14-15, 2 Chron 34:22, Neh 6:14, Is 8:3) but there are several in the New Testament as well (Lk 2:36-38, Acts 21:9) which contradict the notion that women should remain silent in church as the Greek makes it clear some of Anna’s listeners were male as she was led by the Holy Spirit to speak about Jesus to all who were looking for redemption.
Not to advocate as a liberal Christian would, the Proverbs 31 woman is unnamed, and Deborah didn’t get the privilege of judging from the temple; she had to judge on a hill between two trees.
I couldn’t see it then, but not even the bible conforms 100% to gender-specific roles. Neither my husband nor myself, changed overnight. It was my husband who recognized the hardships that women face in both societies and religion. My ambitions and drive to succeed in life blossomed when I left my faith. My husband became less stoic and serious – he softened to my needs and became more understanding and supportive. I still love his assertive nature and protective instincts, but we have both come to appreciate a partnership and mutual respect for each other’s strengths and contributions rather than archaic expectations based on mythology. Without having expressed or communicated the need for the change, the alterations in our marriage happened organically and slowly over time. It was good that it happened that way to not shock our systems or force it begrudgingly. Releasing the bonds of religion allowed growth in both of us and deeper love.
I don't operate the tractor or mow the lawn, but I do help trim the hedges, spray the weeds, paint (which I love and am good at), and care for my roses. We share the laundry, take turns loading the dishwasher, and I'll sweep and mop while he vacuums. I consolidate the trashes and he takes it out.
Looking back on our time as believers, it is no wonder some women stuck in "traditional" role arrangements end up nagging their men. While a man may find a very possessive relationship to be a sign of masculinity to others, the extreme situations inevitably expose a codependent and juvenile nature wherein he requires – and even demands it in some cases – for his wife to fill a mother role. This may reveal an unhealthy obsession in rare cases, perhaps even sexually, with his mother. For some, religion contaminates a marriage by fostering an abnormal display of maternal coddling to grown men.
Ironically, the bible commands a man to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. It does not say to replace a mother with a wife, whereby the letters from Paul were added as canon to scripture to add restrictive and submissive characteristics to a “godly” woman. Analyzing these relational dynamics, I have to wonder if the motivation for moving women into an underclass was rooted in fear of leaving his mother, laziness, or if it was a desire for control that prompted these societal changes from the ages of worshiping goddesses? Women used to be revered. There is not a single person alive who cannot give credit to a woman for their life. I don't advocate returning to mythological superstitions and worship of unproven deities, but I do advocate for the return of balance. I respect and honor my husband's divine masculine energy, but he equally respects and honors my divine feminine engergy.
November 10, 2021
Relational Changes & Challenges
For most of my adult life, I got along better with guys than with other women. I don’t seek out friendships with guys and I have all the male perspectives and support I could ask for in the amazing men who are in my life - particularly my husband. But I have always found a better working environment with men as bosses than women. Perhaps because women have been fighting so hard to equal the “playing ground” and to see a woman who previously accepted the “traditional” roles and my passive past, I may have been part of the problem. Perhaps it was just a personality clash.
I had a couple of girlfriends throughout high school, but they never really made the effort to continue the friendships into adulthood. I did find a really good friend right after high school, and we remained close for nearly 13 years until my divorce from my son’s father. Everyone in the church abandoned me when I left, which should not have surprised me considering he was the youth director at the time. My son’s dad was a good father, but at the time, not tuned in to what it took to be a good husband. He has grown and raised our son extraordinarily well and has even played a significant role in helping my book be the success it is today.
While taking care of my mom in her final years, I met a woman who was taking care of her mom next door. After many years without a best friend, our interactions developed quickly into a friendship that we both sorely needed. The supportive laughter and tears in the years that passed became a light in each other’s lives that would prove to weather the rough waters of life. After being each other’s reprieve while caring for our mothers, we found ourselves requiring a reprieve from the friendship for a time but finding our way back to even greater respect for the relationship and have built it back stronger.
Another woman came into my life several years later who would fill a different, but equally important role in my life. Teaching me not to take myself so seriously and reminding me to speak my mind. The woman who beats to her own drum with a heart the size of Texas also has a very small circle of friends because of her highly sensitive empathy (and probably a lack of tolerance for ignorance). About the same time, there came a need for a reprieve from this friendship as well, but we have since resumed the relationship and are better for it and bonded closer.
In hindsight, those breaks were necessary. The time allowed me to meditate, heal, grow, reevaluate, regroup, and recenter myself. I had sorely missed their friendships and perspectives in the interim, but the changes in me I could say had been 100% my own. My moves on the chessboard of life had been mine.
Both of these amazing women would remind me to ensure that if I do find myself at odds with other women in my life, I should look at myself and ensure that they are not behaving as a reflection of me. Having been bullied in middle and high school, I can unequivocally state that I made a conscious effort to be a good person in life. I have intentionally chosen not to be a mean or bitter person. I try my best to give others the benefit of the doubt.
Having said all that, I have my boundaries. I have lines that I have chosen not to cross anymore. I used to be the one who was always reaching out – always the one making the effort. Two people in my past, a guy I was in a relationship with years ago, and a family member made me realize that it was unhealthy to want to be with someone who did not want to be with me. Trying to force something that had passed its time was not helping either of us; I had to let it go. Chartering the borders of codependency was not a good place to be. I’ve worked with some amazing women over the years at different companies and had high hopes for long-term friendships but saddened to find a lack of mutual effort to foster those friendships when life took our careers and lives into different places.
Understanding certain people with different personalities has proven to be challenging and even more so with those who may remain, of necessity, within your sphere for years to come. I cannot influence others to be good people, to receive me as I am, or gifts of goodwill, but when overtly rejected, I can choose to block as many inlets into my life as possible to retain my peace. As much as this means that mutual persons may be affected, I refuse to be played by others in manipulative ways.
My friends and family are those who open themselves up to getting to know me, those who receive my gifts, who honestly tell me when I’m in the wrong, those who support my efforts to step out of my comfort zone, and especially those who make the mutual effort to reach out to me. There are some friends I call family and some people I no longer call family. It is the nature of life and the preservation of healthy boundaries.
I had a couple of girlfriends throughout high school, but they never really made the effort to continue the friendships into adulthood. I did find a really good friend right after high school, and we remained close for nearly 13 years until my divorce from my son’s father. Everyone in the church abandoned me when I left, which should not have surprised me considering he was the youth director at the time. My son’s dad was a good father, but at the time, not tuned in to what it took to be a good husband. He has grown and raised our son extraordinarily well and has even played a significant role in helping my book be the success it is today.
While taking care of my mom in her final years, I met a woman who was taking care of her mom next door. After many years without a best friend, our interactions developed quickly into a friendship that we both sorely needed. The supportive laughter and tears in the years that passed became a light in each other’s lives that would prove to weather the rough waters of life. After being each other’s reprieve while caring for our mothers, we found ourselves requiring a reprieve from the friendship for a time but finding our way back to even greater respect for the relationship and have built it back stronger.
Another woman came into my life several years later who would fill a different, but equally important role in my life. Teaching me not to take myself so seriously and reminding me to speak my mind. The woman who beats to her own drum with a heart the size of Texas also has a very small circle of friends because of her highly sensitive empathy (and probably a lack of tolerance for ignorance). About the same time, there came a need for a reprieve from this friendship as well, but we have since resumed the relationship and are better for it and bonded closer.
In hindsight, those breaks were necessary. The time allowed me to meditate, heal, grow, reevaluate, regroup, and recenter myself. I had sorely missed their friendships and perspectives in the interim, but the changes in me I could say had been 100% my own. My moves on the chessboard of life had been mine.
Both of these amazing women would remind me to ensure that if I do find myself at odds with other women in my life, I should look at myself and ensure that they are not behaving as a reflection of me. Having been bullied in middle and high school, I can unequivocally state that I made a conscious effort to be a good person in life. I have intentionally chosen not to be a mean or bitter person. I try my best to give others the benefit of the doubt.
Having said all that, I have my boundaries. I have lines that I have chosen not to cross anymore. I used to be the one who was always reaching out – always the one making the effort. Two people in my past, a guy I was in a relationship with years ago, and a family member made me realize that it was unhealthy to want to be with someone who did not want to be with me. Trying to force something that had passed its time was not helping either of us; I had to let it go. Chartering the borders of codependency was not a good place to be. I’ve worked with some amazing women over the years at different companies and had high hopes for long-term friendships but saddened to find a lack of mutual effort to foster those friendships when life took our careers and lives into different places.
Understanding certain people with different personalities has proven to be challenging and even more so with those who may remain, of necessity, within your sphere for years to come. I cannot influence others to be good people, to receive me as I am, or gifts of goodwill, but when overtly rejected, I can choose to block as many inlets into my life as possible to retain my peace. As much as this means that mutual persons may be affected, I refuse to be played by others in manipulative ways.
My friends and family are those who open themselves up to getting to know me, those who receive my gifts, who honestly tell me when I’m in the wrong, those who support my efforts to step out of my comfort zone, and especially those who make the mutual effort to reach out to me. There are some friends I call family and some people I no longer call family. It is the nature of life and the preservation of healthy boundaries.
November 4, 2021
Toxic People
Inevitably, we will have to face toxic adults in life: the manipulators, the selfish, the narcissist, the passive-aggressive, the codependent, the energy-sapping, the gas-lighters, the perpetually negative, the jealous, and others. Instead of just rejecting your presence – which would be monumentally more healthy, these people choose to make your life miserable.
Religion didn’t give me much of an option in this specific facet of life. I was told that we needed to love our enemies and bless those who curse us, forgive 70 x 7 times, and the insane notion that God hates divorce (he kicked out Adam and Eve for eating fruit instead of forgiving them and even those who don’t “know” him he will throw into hell – per the bible, we should be perfect as God is perfect). Particularly sinister is the violation of boundaries that we should turn the other cheek, and if we can, if a brother asks for help, we are not to turn them away.
There couldn’t be a better template for being walked on and taken advantage of. It’s no wonder so many toxic people thrive in the environment of biblical faith. The command is there to love God and your enemies, but you should hate your brother, father, mother, sister, and even your own life. This is a recipe for division and disaster.
The first thing I have to do is look at myself and go within. Is this something I attract as familiar to who I am? We must all seek to be better people and make sure we aren’t inviting this type of behavior as a reaction to what we say and do. I must hold up a mirror to myself and embrace whatever work I need to do on my persona.
I had a lifetime of conditioning to accept bad behavior from other people and was told that this “suffering” was my part of the deal to be in the kingdom of God and that I needed to take this suffering with patience. This is utter bullshit. Not only was I allowing myself to be tormented by others, but I was also perpetuating their toxic cycles, and teaching the younger people around me, by example, that this was acceptable to receive from others. I was promulgating very unhealthy relationship interactions as a badge of honor for my faith.
An unhealthy person needs someone to dump their garbage on (which is different from venting and learning from your virtual sounding board friend(s)). I no longer allow myself to be their personal landfill. If someone continually makes me angry, it may be for several reasons. Did I communicate to that person that I value my peace? Did I tell them what behaviors I do not tolerate? Did I properly relay my expectations? Other people are not mind-readers; however, in many cases, social cues are everywhere, and basic common decency should be understood by the time someone reaches their twenties.
The most likely cause is projection. The toxic person, rather than deal with their issues, is projecting their problems outward onto the easiest and/or nearest target that will have the least effect on them. I had read the book, Boundaries in my mid-twenties and that helped me learn to say, “No” when appropriate. I read the book, How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk in my late-thirties, which changed me, my perspectives, and the way I interacted with others. These two books helped me in dramatic ways, but nothing had prepared me for the realization that the Bible is a breeding ground for harmful relationships.
The Bible gives people a savior complex - a codependent nightmare. Believing we can save others and can do all things Christ did and more, gives the false sense of security within the framework of being the continual safety net for those who should be working to better themselves. The unhealthy nature of always doing for others stunts their ability to grow. Additionally, those in our lives who constantly take and abuse us should not be allowed to have an ongoing presence.
I realized that my anger was because I was allowing negative and toxic attitudes to remain in my personal space. This was my fault for giving them a seat in my auditorium. Those that withhold their love (one of the most emotionally toxic abuse tactics of all) while infecting my world with their noxious fumes of unhappiness reflects poorly on me. This tells others that I am a doormat and permits others to do the same thing.
While my last blog spoke to the heartache of being shunned, there are times when shunning is necessary. We must stop the cycle of emotional and mental abuse in this world and surgically remove them from our lives in whatever capacity we can (safely and legally) to give consequences; to tell them that their actions and behaviors are not acceptable and that we will no longer tolerate the lack of respect for our boundaries. Whether this removal is permanent or temporary (yet long enough to be sufficiently effective for long-term changes), we are just as culpable if we do nothing.
References:
Matthew 5:43-47
Matthew 18:21-22
Malachi 2:16
Genesis 3:22-23
2 Thessalonians 1:8-10
Matthew 7:23
Matthew 5:48
Matthew 5:38-42
Deuteronomy 6:5
Luke 14:26-28
1 Peter 2:20
John 14:12
https://themendproject.com/emotional-...
Religion didn’t give me much of an option in this specific facet of life. I was told that we needed to love our enemies and bless those who curse us, forgive 70 x 7 times, and the insane notion that God hates divorce (he kicked out Adam and Eve for eating fruit instead of forgiving them and even those who don’t “know” him he will throw into hell – per the bible, we should be perfect as God is perfect). Particularly sinister is the violation of boundaries that we should turn the other cheek, and if we can, if a brother asks for help, we are not to turn them away.
There couldn’t be a better template for being walked on and taken advantage of. It’s no wonder so many toxic people thrive in the environment of biblical faith. The command is there to love God and your enemies, but you should hate your brother, father, mother, sister, and even your own life. This is a recipe for division and disaster.
The first thing I have to do is look at myself and go within. Is this something I attract as familiar to who I am? We must all seek to be better people and make sure we aren’t inviting this type of behavior as a reaction to what we say and do. I must hold up a mirror to myself and embrace whatever work I need to do on my persona.
I had a lifetime of conditioning to accept bad behavior from other people and was told that this “suffering” was my part of the deal to be in the kingdom of God and that I needed to take this suffering with patience. This is utter bullshit. Not only was I allowing myself to be tormented by others, but I was also perpetuating their toxic cycles, and teaching the younger people around me, by example, that this was acceptable to receive from others. I was promulgating very unhealthy relationship interactions as a badge of honor for my faith.
An unhealthy person needs someone to dump their garbage on (which is different from venting and learning from your virtual sounding board friend(s)). I no longer allow myself to be their personal landfill. If someone continually makes me angry, it may be for several reasons. Did I communicate to that person that I value my peace? Did I tell them what behaviors I do not tolerate? Did I properly relay my expectations? Other people are not mind-readers; however, in many cases, social cues are everywhere, and basic common decency should be understood by the time someone reaches their twenties.
The most likely cause is projection. The toxic person, rather than deal with their issues, is projecting their problems outward onto the easiest and/or nearest target that will have the least effect on them. I had read the book, Boundaries in my mid-twenties and that helped me learn to say, “No” when appropriate. I read the book, How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk in my late-thirties, which changed me, my perspectives, and the way I interacted with others. These two books helped me in dramatic ways, but nothing had prepared me for the realization that the Bible is a breeding ground for harmful relationships.
The Bible gives people a savior complex - a codependent nightmare. Believing we can save others and can do all things Christ did and more, gives the false sense of security within the framework of being the continual safety net for those who should be working to better themselves. The unhealthy nature of always doing for others stunts their ability to grow. Additionally, those in our lives who constantly take and abuse us should not be allowed to have an ongoing presence.
I realized that my anger was because I was allowing negative and toxic attitudes to remain in my personal space. This was my fault for giving them a seat in my auditorium. Those that withhold their love (one of the most emotionally toxic abuse tactics of all) while infecting my world with their noxious fumes of unhappiness reflects poorly on me. This tells others that I am a doormat and permits others to do the same thing.
While my last blog spoke to the heartache of being shunned, there are times when shunning is necessary. We must stop the cycle of emotional and mental abuse in this world and surgically remove them from our lives in whatever capacity we can (safely and legally) to give consequences; to tell them that their actions and behaviors are not acceptable and that we will no longer tolerate the lack of respect for our boundaries. Whether this removal is permanent or temporary (yet long enough to be sufficiently effective for long-term changes), we are just as culpable if we do nothing.
References:
Matthew 5:43-47
Matthew 18:21-22
Malachi 2:16
Genesis 3:22-23
2 Thessalonians 1:8-10
Matthew 7:23
Matthew 5:48
Matthew 5:38-42
Deuteronomy 6:5
Luke 14:26-28
1 Peter 2:20
John 14:12
https://themendproject.com/emotional-...
October 22, 2021
Heartache Wears Many Hats
The first association one makes to the word, “heartache” is that of a breakup or betrayal. Yes, this type of heartache is one that deteriorates you from within. Whether the ties were severed unexpectedly or seen from a mile away, the pain remains real, raw, and unrelenting in the wake of it all.
The loss of someone you have loved and lost to death is a shock to the system unlike anything else in this world and it's heart-wrenching, gut-wrenching, and lingers indefinitely. Regardless of how much time has passed, if the right memory, song, smell, photo, or dream pulls on the right cord, it can bring a wave of unexpected emotion.
The heartache of shunning can be equally painful. The people doing it are still alive, yet out of reach. They withdraw their love, refuse to speak to you, provide no emotional support, and blame you - gaslighting.
As I saw the problems of the bible begin to reveal themselves, I began to see scripture as a code of sorts. For weeks as a child I struggled to understand the concepts of long division until one day, my dad explained it. Several others had tried and failed and something he said – wording, examples, cadence – whatever it was, it finally clicked, and I then understood how to properly solve long division equations. Likewise, when the issues within scripture began to surface, they exposed the cracks and holes in the rest of the text as though neon lava had been lit just beneath the surface.
My heart sank. I knew what the unavoidable outcome of the relationships would be with others in the faith. In a desperate attempt to salvage those relationships, I shared the problems I was seeing. A couple of others knew how thorough I was and found their way out as well, but the vast majority of others would remain held prisoner by the mind control tactics and firewalls that are encoded in the passages to keep people locked in.
Initially, I processed on social media using a fake account. I was able to share my thoughts, join groups, research, and debate without the fear of castigation. I wanted to be able to share my findings without giving anyone a reason to doubt my journey. Of all the past heartaches, the one I despised the most was being invalidated and/or falsely accused. I had been raised by my mom – the most devout woman I knew who I never knew to tell a lie. She had instilled a high level of integrity and it was insulting to know that others would think I had never been a “real” Christian at all. I understand that now to be a “No True Scotsman” fallacy, but I think back on those people who had once lauded my adherence to, and knowledge of the scriptures and feel a bittersweet sadness. Additionally, those who claim my adherence to the scriptures wasn't genuine, I now see it as a violation of their Ten Commandments and a false accusation - lies. They cannot divine my heart, thoughts, or assume to know my past.
My initial changes from Christianity to Hebrew Roots were clumsy and awkward. Covering my hair/head was the most challenging of any of the traditions and it was the only one I fought against internally. The weight of the thin scarf made me feel small and I immediately felt insecure. I had been in the midst of trying to rebuild my self-esteem and the material that required pins to secure it in place, raged against every attempt within that was trying to heal those self-confidence scars. Thankfully, it became something I would only wear on the Sabbath, but it never felt comfortable to do so. At the time, I couldn’t understand why it felt so wrong, but looking back, I know.
In the months that followed my deconversion, there would be a few noticeable changes to my persona. I would bring my boundaries in, creating a tighter, smaller circle in self-preservation. Finding out the core belief system was nothing more than a fairytale is a massive shock to anyone’s system and the subsequent overcorrection into levels of mistrust and cynicism should be expected in anyone to some degree. What the biggest misconception is, is that a de-converted person is now wrought with desires to sin (to include stealing, lying, cheating, etc.), that which could not be further from the truth. I don’t have a religion to hide behind or a god to swear to – it’s just me and my word, which means absolutely nothing if I don’t back it up. I don’t know anyone who has left religion and has turned to a life of crime or evil misdeeds. Personally, I’m still working on being an even better person and shedding the residual snarky retorts that surface from time to time.
As much as I miss some of those people, I have a greater mission that calls to me. I want others to know how badly they have been hoodwinked. I want these people to know they do not need to give their money to the church (even per the bible). I want women to be free from the pervasive misogyny that slowly kills the divine feminine with verses, no more than sugar-coated venom. I want the boys to choose to keep their own foreskins – as adults and not have that choice made for them in an infant, trauma-inducing mutilation that does not provide general anesthesia. I want the girls to be free to decide their own futures, free from persecution, shame, and disapproval.
It should not matter that I no longer believe as they do: that does not make me a bad person.
It should matter that I fight against oppression.
It should matter that I fight for those who are too young to form the words to fight for themselves.
It should matter that I seek to expose the mind control tactics that the bible utilizes in its attempt to live, if only in the minds of people who believe it to be literal.
The heartache has eased. It should not matter what I believed, but it did. All that said I do now embrace the title that I once viewed as pejorative: I am an apostate, and that matters - to me. I take up the mission to help the world out of its bonds of superstition and mental chains of oppression. I want more people to wake up so that fewer people have to go through experiences like mine.
The loss of someone you have loved and lost to death is a shock to the system unlike anything else in this world and it's heart-wrenching, gut-wrenching, and lingers indefinitely. Regardless of how much time has passed, if the right memory, song, smell, photo, or dream pulls on the right cord, it can bring a wave of unexpected emotion.
The heartache of shunning can be equally painful. The people doing it are still alive, yet out of reach. They withdraw their love, refuse to speak to you, provide no emotional support, and blame you - gaslighting.
As I saw the problems of the bible begin to reveal themselves, I began to see scripture as a code of sorts. For weeks as a child I struggled to understand the concepts of long division until one day, my dad explained it. Several others had tried and failed and something he said – wording, examples, cadence – whatever it was, it finally clicked, and I then understood how to properly solve long division equations. Likewise, when the issues within scripture began to surface, they exposed the cracks and holes in the rest of the text as though neon lava had been lit just beneath the surface.
My heart sank. I knew what the unavoidable outcome of the relationships would be with others in the faith. In a desperate attempt to salvage those relationships, I shared the problems I was seeing. A couple of others knew how thorough I was and found their way out as well, but the vast majority of others would remain held prisoner by the mind control tactics and firewalls that are encoded in the passages to keep people locked in.
Initially, I processed on social media using a fake account. I was able to share my thoughts, join groups, research, and debate without the fear of castigation. I wanted to be able to share my findings without giving anyone a reason to doubt my journey. Of all the past heartaches, the one I despised the most was being invalidated and/or falsely accused. I had been raised by my mom – the most devout woman I knew who I never knew to tell a lie. She had instilled a high level of integrity and it was insulting to know that others would think I had never been a “real” Christian at all. I understand that now to be a “No True Scotsman” fallacy, but I think back on those people who had once lauded my adherence to, and knowledge of the scriptures and feel a bittersweet sadness. Additionally, those who claim my adherence to the scriptures wasn't genuine, I now see it as a violation of their Ten Commandments and a false accusation - lies. They cannot divine my heart, thoughts, or assume to know my past.
My initial changes from Christianity to Hebrew Roots were clumsy and awkward. Covering my hair/head was the most challenging of any of the traditions and it was the only one I fought against internally. The weight of the thin scarf made me feel small and I immediately felt insecure. I had been in the midst of trying to rebuild my self-esteem and the material that required pins to secure it in place, raged against every attempt within that was trying to heal those self-confidence scars. Thankfully, it became something I would only wear on the Sabbath, but it never felt comfortable to do so. At the time, I couldn’t understand why it felt so wrong, but looking back, I know.
In the months that followed my deconversion, there would be a few noticeable changes to my persona. I would bring my boundaries in, creating a tighter, smaller circle in self-preservation. Finding out the core belief system was nothing more than a fairytale is a massive shock to anyone’s system and the subsequent overcorrection into levels of mistrust and cynicism should be expected in anyone to some degree. What the biggest misconception is, is that a de-converted person is now wrought with desires to sin (to include stealing, lying, cheating, etc.), that which could not be further from the truth. I don’t have a religion to hide behind or a god to swear to – it’s just me and my word, which means absolutely nothing if I don’t back it up. I don’t know anyone who has left religion and has turned to a life of crime or evil misdeeds. Personally, I’m still working on being an even better person and shedding the residual snarky retorts that surface from time to time.
As much as I miss some of those people, I have a greater mission that calls to me. I want others to know how badly they have been hoodwinked. I want these people to know they do not need to give their money to the church (even per the bible). I want women to be free from the pervasive misogyny that slowly kills the divine feminine with verses, no more than sugar-coated venom. I want the boys to choose to keep their own foreskins – as adults and not have that choice made for them in an infant, trauma-inducing mutilation that does not provide general anesthesia. I want the girls to be free to decide their own futures, free from persecution, shame, and disapproval.
It should not matter that I no longer believe as they do: that does not make me a bad person.
It should matter that I fight against oppression.
It should matter that I fight for those who are too young to form the words to fight for themselves.
It should matter that I seek to expose the mind control tactics that the bible utilizes in its attempt to live, if only in the minds of people who believe it to be literal.
The heartache has eased. It should not matter what I believed, but it did. All that said I do now embrace the title that I once viewed as pejorative: I am an apostate, and that matters - to me. I take up the mission to help the world out of its bonds of superstition and mental chains of oppression. I want more people to wake up so that fewer people have to go through experiences like mine.
