Pursuing My Divine Lover – A Man’s Journey Through Grief, #29

It was a Saturday, almost eleven months since God called Mary Helen home. It has been a good week, better than many. My soul was uplifted as I gathered with my church family and then spent a comforting afternoon and evening with Debbie and some from her family. I’ve since navigated three days alone in my condo working on writing projects. Two Bible studies ministered to my soul and helped with my need for companionship. I even survived a dental appointment.

This morning I read Isaiah 25. It reminded me that the Lord is my refuge—although he uses others to encourage me—no one else comes close to understanding my tumult of emotions. He is “a refuge for the needy in his distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat” (Isaiah 25:4).

That reading immediately twigged memory of a hymn fragment, “other refuge have I none, hangs my helpless soul on thee.” I looked it up, identified it as “Jesus Lover of My Soul,” by Charles Wesley, a favourite of both Mary Helen and myself. What amazing insight God gave Wesley! Lover of my soul!

The hymn reminded me about a recurring theme during this period. My wife and lover has gone home. But I still have a lover; Jesus has not left me. And like everything that happens in the Christian life, I might have thought of her loss as evil, but “God meant it for good.” (See Genesis 50:20 and Romans 8:28.) And yet I’ve often thought, how can there be good come from this loneliness? Clearly, I need to ask the Holy Spirit to wash away my weak faith and replace it with the firm affirmations of the Word of God. Lord, help me see beyond what I see.

Joni Eareckson Tada, who knows about suffering, has written; “Suffering is meant to press us up against Jesus. It’s not so much about us…it’s about how I can hear His heartbeat and identify with Him in His sufferings.” And, “My paralysis is about knowing Jesus better.” (From an accompanying video to her new book, Songs of Suffering: 25 Hymns and Devotions for Weary Souls.) C. S. Lewis has said: “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

God is shouting to me that I need to grieve less and focus on Jesus’ heartbeat. He is my refuge. He is the lover of my soul.

Recently, in order to become more conscious of God’s place in my life, I’ve been looking at some of the familiar things around me and considering how they point me to the Lord Jesus. Perhaps, looking at them in a new way as gifts from God will help me to see beyond what I see, to really see Jesus, lover of my soul.

Let me explain. During his teaching ministry Jesus often used familiar things in the lives of his hearers to try and get them to look beyond themselves to himself as the creator and sustainer of all things. “For in him we live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:28). Using metaphors, he compared himself to water, bread, a door, a shepherd, the gate to a sheepfold, and a vine. He is fairer than the lilies. If we consider how God communicated what he is like through the Old Testament, we find many more metaphors. He is a rock, tower, shield, refuge, sun, and sweeter than honey; to name a few.

I am a lamb under the care of the Good Shepherd

Here’s where I may seem crazy. And I welcome your comments and corrections. My Lord is like my recliner. As I lean back in it, I can relax in him knowing that underneath are his everlasting arms. I can let the heart-pain go, the anxiety about the future, and just rest him. And I can feel he is near.

He is my condo’s window through which I can see the world. He is the door that lets me in and out.

Jesus is my San Francisco Sourdough Bread; he sustains me in this loneliness. I ought to feast on him and his loving presence, even without Mary Helen here. Only then can I be emotionally filled.

God is my chocolate, that which sweetens my life like honey. So, while my sweetheart has gone to heaven, he is here sweetening the bitter elements of a life, making them palatable.

He is the bed on which I rest at night so I can relax in his care and find warmth from his Comforter. I am enveloped by the Spirit and the Father and the Son. I can sleep because God is the sovereign who has my life under control.

He is my cell phone which I can use at any time to confide my fears, my anxiety, my loneliness, and my prayers of intercession. I can speak to him honestly, just tell him like it is. He will not condemn. He listens and comforts through his Spirit. And so, I can wander around the condo talking to him, go for a walk and talk to him. (And I must admit to often talking out loud!)

He is my medicine, the one who heals the afflictions of my soul.

He is the roof over my head protecting me from the storms of life.

Is this kind of thinking crazy? Or is it another way of saying, “He is all I need.” “He is with me.” “I am determined to know nothing among you but Jesus Christ and Him crucified” (1 Cor. 2:2). Because, clearly, he was sovereign in taking Mary Helen home, in leaving me here to suffer this loneliness, and in leading me deeper into His love. And He is with me from morning to night to morning. And everything I have is his, a gift from him who gives richly. Would I not then be wise to look around me and ponder how everything good that I have is a parable of his love and presence?

“Christ Jesus who has become for us wisdom from God—that is our righteousness, holiness and redemption” (1 Cor. 1:30). I think back to one of our professors in Bible College who loved to get us to sing this little chorus. Maybe after sixty years, I’m beginning to understand his enthusiasm.

Jesus Christ is made to me,

All I need,

He alone is all my plea,

He is all I need.

Wisdom, righteousness and pow’r,

Holiness forevermore,

My redemption full and sure,

He is all I need.

(Let me know your thoughts on this subject. If you appreciate this blog, please pass it on. Further articles, books, and stories at:  Facebook: Eric E Wright Twitter: @EricEWright1 LinkedIn: Eric Wright ; check out his web site: www.countrywindow.ca –– Eric’s books are available at: https://www.amazon.com/Eric-E.-Wright/e/B00355HPKK%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share)

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