My Own Little Weird

Feeling out of place has been a common theme in my life.

I don’t just feel as if I’m different, I know that I am.

I’ve spent my life being an outcast, mostly because that’s just what I was. I didn’t do things the “normal” way, and so I don’t know how to be “normal”.

What is “normal”, you ask? I have no fucking idea. I couldn’t tell you if I wanted to, but generally speaking it’s not me.

As a kid that was harder for me to accept, not because I hated my abnormalities, but because others seemed to set me apart and make me feel like the ways in which I wasn’t like everyone else was something that should make me feel embarrassed.

Of course, as a grown up, we know that feeling out of place at one time or another is more common than not. It’s plagued us all at one time or another.

The most important thing, I find, is that I trust myself. I go with my gut, and do the things I want.

Age can both make this easier, and harder. There’s more freedom, but also more repercussions.

In the past year I’ve come to terms with my gender identity and with my own neurodivergent-ness (or… whatever you wanna call it), and I’ve been working to accept myself and my own lack of “normal”.
But, to accept myself and who I am – fully – it means that I have to accept myself fully.

That’s hard. Very hard.
It doesn’t always feel like we have permission to be the ways that we want.

Social media is a great outlet to share yourself with the world, but it’s also a way for people to steal your work, mock you, and open yourself up to criticism that didn’t exist before.

It also means that anything that can be freely used to distribute art, media, fun, and laughs, can be monetized, and anything that can be monetized can be restricted.

Rules.

I like rules, don’t get me wrong. I function pretty okay when I know what in the hell I’m supposed to be doing. But, those rules also have to make sense, and they have to be there for a good reason.

Otherwise, I don’t like rules.

And a rule I’ve come to find that I really don’t like is: behave.

My gender doesn’t behave.

My mental illness doesn’t behave.

My body doesn’t behave.

My mind doesn’t behave.
And I surely don’t behave.

And so I’ve decided, that I will be moving forward with the intention to embrace every part of myself. My weird. My uncomfortable. My abilities.
If you want to be part of my life, you have to be okay with the weird, the abnormal, the strange.

I’m not going to apologize for being myself.
I’m not going to let myself feel ashamed for what feel good for me.
I’m not going to let myself feel ashamed.