Z Macabre's Blog
October 28, 2023
Halloween is amazing & I love it, so as a treat to my...
Halloween is amazing & I love it, so as a treat to myself & everyone I am GIVING AWAY MY BOOKS!!
HAPPY HALLOWEEN! If you already have my books, please consider sharing with a friend who might enjoy being able to read a sexy, queer horror series for free!!
July 10, 2023
Happy Monday!
if you’re anything like me, you’ve probably been told to stop overthinking more times than you’d like.
sometimes people are genuinely meaning it to be helpful, but more often than not it’s a statement that people don’t understand you, or more than that – they don’t want to understand you.
check out my latest video in my Learning & Growing series on Youtube!
make sure to like the video, subscribe, and maybe even click the bell to make sure you’re notified when a new video posts.
thanks for being ...
July 3, 2023
Monday Video Release!
hato caakiwiyeefa! (hello everyone)
i’m back again to talk about myself and my art and what works for me & what doesn’t or hasn’t. each week i just want to share thoughts, and the way i view the world.
this week i’m talking about the push for passive income and how it seems like a disingenuous path to embark on when you’re working so hard to put yourself out there. this isn’t a video to say ‘you shouldn’t be making money at passive income’, or ‘people who have passive income are bad ...
April 11, 2023
April writing vlog
every day of April i’ve been vlogging about writing! don’t miss today’s newest vlog and catch up on the whole month so far over on my youtube channel!
want to know what it’s like to be an indie writer? want to get the scoop on how much time and effort goes into writing a book? want to know how boring that looks, and how achievable it is? check out my vlog!
January 30, 2023
Imposter Syndrome
the first episode of my podcast is LIVE!
listen now to me talk about nepo babies, the difficulties of prioritizing art when you’re also supposed to live, & feel a little less alone in the world.
grab a cup of coffee, and nestle into your Monday morning with me!
January 22, 2023
New Podcast!
Get ready for my new podcast – Impostor Syndrome!
a more personal podcast all about being an artist, navigating through feeling fear and trepidation in stepping out on your own, writing tips, self care tips, and more!
sit down, relax, have a cup of coffee and listen to your friend tell you about themselves!
Premieres January 30th! Get early access to the first episode when you become a patron.
October 28, 2022
Happy Halloweekend!
Now through November 1st get BOTH of my books free as ebooks! No tricks, just treats!
Click here for the free ebook of The Witch, and The Witch & The Vampire now
If you don’t have a kindle, that’s okay! You can read it with the kindle app on your phone, or on your desktop! I just want you to be able to read my book for absolutely free 
October 1, 2022
Seasons Change
Recently I have been working very hard to try and adjust to things that are good and productive for myself, and recently streaming on Twitch has not been one of those things.
In the past few weeks I’ve absolutely had some good days, but my streams on Twitch have been declining more and more. I want to talk about things a lot of folks don’t have interest engaging with, I am losing followers, and I am just ultimately sad at the end of the stream.
I’ve had tons of fun, and I am not saying that I regret it at all. I promised myself when I started streaming that if it became not fun, I would stop streaming before I hated doing it. And, so, I am trying to honor that promise that I made to myself.
So, I will not be streaming on twitch anymore. Last Tuesday was my final stream of the year.
I am absolutely going to keep twitch in my back pocket, and I will be reassessing at the beginning of the new year. Of course, if I take any time off I will be essentially starting over from scratch, but it’s better than losing my sanity, or not giving up the ghost when it’s time.
I am still absolutely happy that I have this a try, and I did absolutely have fun. I am just exhausted, and working on personal ventures in my life that take precedence and unfortunately exhaust me to the point that I don’t have the energy I would need to be as successful as I would like to be on Twitch.
In no way does this mean I think I failed. I tried! And I had fun! And I learned so much! And some of you came with me on the journey!
If you’re anting to continue to support my work, please consider becoming a patron! I post regularly, and give early access to a lot of creative endeavors I work on.
August 12, 2022
The Decolonization of My Gender & Learning Who I Am
I am indigenous.
I am Shawnee.
I am white assumed, and thus I have a lot of privilege.
With that privilege comes erasure.
I’ve been wanting to write about this for a while, but it’s not easy to put it into words. And I think in some ways I wasn’t sure that I wanted to put it into words. Not because it was too hard, but because it’s a beautiful thing and I don’t want anyone to spoil it.
I grew up both indoctrinated in Christianity, and also being made aware of my indigenous identity. I am grateful that no matter what I experienced, I was allowed to know where I came from and have some sort of connection to my tribe.
As a young kid, I was aware of my light skin. I knew that people didn’t assume I was Native American due to my light skin, but the older I got the more people just assumed I was white. As an adult, unless I state otherwise, people make the assumption that I am white.
And, yes, that does give me privilege. I acknowledge that.
I came out in my early 20’s, realizing that I wasn’t straight.
I had always felt like I didn’t fit the mold of a boy or a girl, but I didn’t really know how to explain that, so I put that aside. Coming out as pansexual felt like a big enough step at the time. And it was.
I moved to the Midwest and I remember being in my late 20’s and having this feeling of being so distant from my Indigenous Identity. Feeling not just far away from it, but kept away from it by something.
That something was me. I looked at myself and I knew that people saw a white woman, and I felt like that meant I wasn’t allowed to say that I was anything else. I didn’t feel like a woman, I wasn’t white, but I didn’t want to come off like all those people who told me their great, great, great grandma was an Indian Princess.
I felt like a faker. A pretendian.
I didn’t want to be another white person appropriating Indigenous culture and claiming things as my own that didn’t belong to me. I felt ashamed of claiming an identity that I felt so far away from, like I had no right to claim what was in my blood because it wasn’t visible to the outside world.
The difference is, I’m not pretending. I’m not taking something that doesn’t belong to me.
However, my culture isn’t something to be picked up and put down. To be Shawnee means that I am always Shawnee, whether you recognize that or not, it doesn’t take away from my tribe, my culture, my heritage, my generational trauma, my lived experience, and my desire and need to reconnect and decolonize.
Coming out as trans last year was a big deal, but giving myself a label has not felt great. Not to say I don’t want a label, or that I don’t want to be able to say “i am [this]”, but language can be lacking when it comes to gender and sexuality.
But this is where my culture and my gender intersect.
Colonization took away so much from me and stripped me of my culture slowly but surely from generation to generation until I was so far away from my tribe that I cannot speak my own language. Working towards decolonization isn’t just about learning the ways of my tribe, it’s also about unlearning, but more than that allowing myself the journey of not holding myself to the standards of a white supremacist culture that has never been home to me and has never welcomed the parts of me that do not align with a colonial mindset.
Unlearning means giving myself permission to not fit in. Giving myself permission to explore my gender. Giving myself permission to use the language that is meant for me.
hato.
I am Z.
I am Shawnee.
I am two spirit.
I am two spirit.
July 15, 2022
Your Worth Is Not Defined By Your Productivity… Except It is
I think it’s true that your worth is not determined by your productivity – 100% true and indisputable.
However, what I think and feel doesn’t put food on the table. It’s been a rough few years for my partner and myself. Before the pandemic hit we were struggling to find ways to work and support ourselves. After the pandemic hit, it’s just been more of the same – just scarier.
It’s so hard not to feel like I’ve failed by not making myself a success despite having guts, talent, and ambition. I also come with mental illness, trauma, and a host of things I can’t even get evaluated for because I don’t have the money or the privilege.
What I’m stuck on isn’t just how hard it is to internalize that my productivity doesn’t determine my worth.
I am very productive, but what happens when my productivity isn’t given any value? What happens when no matter what I produce, I feel alone and in the dark, and worried about bills and rent and every other thing under the sun.
I’ve realized that in the past I’ve tried to make myself seem more appealing to others. Trying to fit into a sort of concept of myself that would make me seem more approachable, more acceptable, and safer to come to for help, work, and the like.
This hasn’t worked. And, frankly, I don’t care to do it anymore.
You are not defined by your productivity, no.
But, more than that, what you do has value.
You have value. What you make has value. Of course you are not defined by your productivity, but likewise the worth of what you produce is not balanced on the shelves of whatever capitalist hell we’re in right now.
Creating means more than just producing something. Creating something means that you have put value into it in your laughter, your tears, your blood, your joy. You created it and therefore it has value, even on your darkest days.
You also have value. Even on your darkest, and least productive days you still have value.
And so do I.
