Long Road - Part 4, The Resistance

"Haters gonna hate." A phrase that I have adopted over the years meaning that I make an attempt not to let others’ opinions ultimately affect me when dealing with my journey; my faith journey. Back in the day, the phrase was used to justify and protect actions that were looked down on by the general public. But here is a hard truth, haters are on both sides of the cross. Meaning I had haters before I chose to follow Christ and after. 

I have had to grow some thick skin over the years because of reactions to some of the decisions I have had to make to not drink or socialize as I did previously, before proclaiming my faith ( check out Hangover to Jesus for the whole story ).  Why? Because when I made the decision not to drink, smoke, hang out all hours of the night, put myself in compromising social situations or participate in drugs I started a ripple effect. The ripples crashed on the shore of others’ expectations of me, causing frustration, and irritation for some. The ripples were felt in the workplace, in my marriage, and in my social circles. People around me weren't intentionally acting out of those emotions, but they just didn't understand. Suddenly, you have nothing in common with a person that you seemingly knew for years. I think most of the awkwardness is from being surprised, caught off guard and understandably confused.  It is literally like you are speaking a different language that they cannot understand. Especially if Christ is at the center of your recovery. And those closest to us are the most affected by it.  My wife and I had to learn all over again how to interact with each other without the influences of some chemical induced emotional state. We also learned that friendships would be strained by our decisions. In most cases, we had to end relationships or limit interaction with some who were detrimental to my recovery; to our recovery in our marriage. Mostly, because they just didn't understand why. Why would we just stop? The truth was more intimate and confusing for me, and for us as a married couple. Intimate because we had this shared experience with the Holy Spirit at the Salvation Army in Waco ( read Hangover to Jesus for the whole story ) that we couldn't completely explain at the time. It was like one of those "you had to be there" stories. Confusing because I was navigating newfound loneliness and separation from what I had considered a large part of my existence. My wife and I spent a lot of nights just being with each other, which isn't a bad thing. But, to go from a highly socialized situation to just us two, things naturally changed and were often challenging. I am fortunate and blessed. God placed an incredible woman in my life, Tabby - my wife. She supported me, encouraged me, and pushed me in ways that would help me see the forest, not just the trees.

When you make a choice to change, to take a leap of faith, to truly engage God in your life - the resistance will come. It is part of the "long road out of hell." Unfortunately, this resistance often comes from those closest to us (spiritual warfare is also a major contributor to resistance, more on that in a later blog). I can't tell you how many times I had some of the closest people in my life ask me if "I was still not drinking?" How many people would make comments like "you still not smoking weed?" "How long are you going to be sober?" My response would be "as long as I can" or "forever." People just didn't get it, and they didn't need to get it. While some were proud and giving the "...that's cool" or "I only drink on weekends" responses, they just didn't understand why, and they didn't need too. It was my conviction, my journey; not theirs. Again, most people were acting out of misunderstanding, awkwardness or ignorance, and some out of deep convictions they themselves had but ignored.

Nehemiah, a man convicted and deeply passionate about rebuilding the wall in Jerusalem, is ridiculed by a couple of "haters", Tobiah and Sanballat. At first, they were confused about the decisions Nehemiah was making. However, it quickly turns to mock and ridicule when they realize Nehemiah isn't playing around. This isn't some weekend project. He is committed. In chapter 4 of the Book of Nehemiah, Nehemiah overcomes the discouragement. How? First, in prayer, he asks God for help, and when they placed their fear in the hands of God they found the resilience to push forward. As Sanballat speaks negatively about the types of materials the Jews were using and Tobiah makes comments in earshot of the wall builders attempting to sway them with scoffing remarks, they simply keep pushing forward. In other words, they "shake the haters off."

Dr. Brene Brown writes in her book 'The Gift of Imperfections',

"Without exception, spirituality - the belief in connection, a power greater than self, and interconnection grounded in love and compassion - emerged as a component of resilience."

She goes on to say that three patterns emerged out of her research of resilience: cultivating hope, practicing critical awareness and letting go of numbing and taking the edge off vulnerability, discomfort, and pain. Making a decision to stop drinking, doing drugs and ending relationships with people who are detrimental to recovery is vital to sobriety. Now think about the challenge of pornography addiction recovery? Many men and a growing number of women are losing hope and are overcome with the feeling of being powerless against its lure. While some deny that there is an addiction with pornography, many sit in addiction cycles that never reach the light of day. Porn addiction is the very essence of 1 Peter 5:7-9, "...that enemy of yours, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." 

Creating resilience is essential to overcome the vices that hinder us and prevent us from truly experiencing God for ourselves. From starting on a path to a truly authentic, life-changing relationship with God. How do you build resilience in your addiction battle? Even with the very best desires, we can be reluctant to do the work of building boundaries, setting realistic goals, and believing in our selves. Why? We aren't prepared to battle, and we minimize the fact that with addictions it is truly a battle that will have wins and losses, some worse and more profound than others. We are all at different stages of the battle. Some of us need to enter the battle. Others need to honestly tell someone trustworthy about the addiction or stronghold. Then there are those who need to really answer the question, do you want to stop? Seriously? Lastly, we need to remind ourselves of Jesus' words to a man who he invited to be a disciple in Matthew 8:22. "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead." This man sadly walked away from an invitation to be a disciple of Jesus Christ. Jesus is not being harsh but pushing a gut check moment. Those closest to us will at times be our biggest "haters". Whether it is deciding to not see a certain movie or go to an event. When honoring the boundaries, you build resilience but you will also be resisted. Jesus reminds us that he is calling us to walk with him, not make excuses for worrying about the dead. Or in other words, "shake the haters off" and walk with Jesus. 

Not sure what to do next? Have an addiction or need some practical guidance? Reach out to me at gerald@bebravebefree.org or go to www.bebravebefree.org for more information. 

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