Problematic coping mechanisms
CW addiction, self harm, suicide, eating disorders
Often, the things people do to survive dire situations are of themselves problematic. When you have to weather hideous things, keep going entirely on willpower, survive things that you find unbearable and you don’t have the resources to do that well, the tactics themselves can be messy.
By these means, a person can end up with an eating disorder, addictions, unhealthy relationship strategies, self harming issues and other things that from the outside look like the problem. The choices we make in order to keep going don’t always make sense to anyone else.
Trying to fix a coping mechanism doesn’t actually solve much. It may put pressure on a person who is in a lot of trouble to put down one of the few tools that helps them cope. Self harming looks nasty, but a lot of people do it because it helps them not kill themselves. The self harming is not the problem to solve, here.
It’s important, if you’re trying to help/ heal another person, to understand what’s going on with them first. Make an alcoholic stop drinking and you might kill them. Some addictions need a careful weaning strategy. If a person isn’t eating because food is the one thing they feel they can control, then their relationship with food is not the thing that urgently needs fixing.
Trying to help someone when you don’t understand what you’re seeing can do more harm than good. It is important not to centre how you feel about someone else’s problematic coping mechanism. If you feel unhappy because you’re seeing something nasty, please don’t assume that making yourself more comfortable actually solves the problem. You may be seeing the things that are keeping that other person alive and able to function, and however messy that is, demanding that they give up their survival tools is not a good place to start.
If you can’t imagine the kind of horror that a person might be experiencing such that hurting themselves is actually helping them cope with it, then honestly you aren’t well placed to tell them what they should be doing. It’s really important to listen, and to establish what would most help to keep them safe. It might not be what you think it is.
It’s not good asking a person to give up their survival strategies when they’re still dealing with the things that make those necessary. Sort out the underlying issues first. When people know they are safe, it’s much more realistic to then ask what might be done about the less than ideal coping mechanisms that got them to a place where they had more options.
