Withdrawing from Withdrawal

Most of my marriage books have stressed spiritual connection. Drs. Archibald Hart and Sharon May, however, as well as Dr. John Gottman, stress the importance of emotional connection. It doesn’t have to be either/or, of course. In a Christian marriage, we should pursue both with intense fervor.

The following is an edited excerpt from Making Your Marriage a Fortress that talks about how destructive the silent treatment, stonewalling, and relational apathy can be to a marriage. If emotional connection is so key to a happy marriage, emotional disconnection is equally devastating.

Dr. John Gottman calls withdrawal one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” (see Revelation 2:6-8), relationally speaking. And, interestingly enough, he says that most stonewallers (his overall term for withdrawers) are men. Withdrawal can sound passive, but it’s actively destructive. Gottman lists stonewalling as a fairly reliable predictor of divorce.

Ellie Lisitsa, who works with Gottman, explains: “Stonewalling is, well, what it sounds like. In a discussion or argument, the listener withdraws from the interaction, shutting down and closing themselves off from the speaker… Metaphorically speaking, they build a wall between them and their partner.

Continue reading over on Substack, HERE.

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