Quantum Leap 2022- A Review

The impossible does happen. Once I was sitting on my front porch filing one of my front teeth. Tiny little chip, not the kind of thing I needed to flush a grand on at some hack dentist front, so there I was. My neighbor Nathan (it was a duplex) was there drinking beer and cheering me on when our landlord appeared. He was a retired lawyer turned finger sniffing weekend biker and he scoffed at these antics. “I’ve never had a cavity,” he boldly declared, clearly disgusted by how close his poor tenants were to the seasons. “My teeth are perfect. In fact I-” and then he stopped talking and a look of bewilderment stole over his rudy features. He reached up and spit a tooth into his hand and then stared at us in stunned horror. “One of my teeth just fell out,” he whispered in a quavering voice. He turned around and walked away, wobbling, smaller, diminished by the cold whimsy of the cosmos. That happened. We were all stunned. Clear and unassailable proof that the impossible does occasionally occur.

What does not occur is a TELEVISION IN A SHITTY GETAWAY VAN IN 1985! McDuh! Holy fuckin moly are you an idiot or just a gluehead cretin? THAT DOES NOT/DID NOT HAPPEN! EVER! Okay. Okay. So a dude name Sam invented a time machine, dudeboy got lost, it was way back when, he had no one but Harry Dean Stanton to talk to. Bummer, shit happens, lotta coke around in those days, people were crazy. I confess I didn’t watch that show, I don’t think I even had a TV in the late 80s, but say all that went down. Now here we are today. Bruce Campbell’s daughter is hot on this science guy, he’s not too sharp for a physicist and he makes the leap! Aw no he lands in a van, a shit van mind you, in 1985 I hasten to add, and there’s a motherfucking television in it! That much impossible is simply truly impossible, as in not at all possible in any way at all, ever, so much so that even thinking it should not be possible. Rewind three minutes because I hilariously forgot to mention one of the science dudes dresses like a guy from Tom Petty’s touring band. Boop. Change channel. Never to watch again. Now I’m not sure about television in general.

In publishing there are editors. Almost none of them are as dumb as the producer who insisted they put a TV in that van. No editor alive would let that TV slip by if it wasn’t their idea (unlikely, but I did see that tooth pop out), they love a ‘whoa dumbass’ smackdown way too much, as they should. In restaurants, another example, if you were a pastry chef and you placed a slice of braised heart of pig on a slice of cake, you’d be fired and a waitress might even try to stab you a little in the ass on your way out. Because waitresses get enough shit already. Or take automotive repair. That television is akin to taking your car in for an oil change and having them paint it orange. It just makes no sense and it even makes you look crazy, and not in a Captain Beefheart way but the wrongheaded dim whit Kid Rock way. I don’t know what the fuck happened there, but I do know this- I was surprised enough to write this review. Quantum Leap 2022, so bad that I made it through ten minutes and felt tainted, like I’d discovered a pickled egg in a donut. I am confused and dumber now.