A Couple's Argument.
Loraine: (sighing) I know… you’re right. Maybe the problem is… I feel like I haven’t been asserting myself enough in this relationship. Maybe I’m not standing up for my needs and I’m assuming it’s because you’re not happy.
Joe: If that’s the case, just tell me what you need! I’m your boyfriend. I’m here to make sure you get those needs met.
Loraine: I know and I appreciate you so much for that. No one’s ever loved me as much as you.
Joe: (awkwardly) That’s because you’re the love of my life. Now tell me what I can do to make you happier in this relationship.
Loraine: Well for starters, I’m really tired of you pressuring me to hang out with your poetry friends. I don’t understand what you guys talk about half the time and I’m sitting there bored out of my skull. I’d prefer it if you go have coffee with them somewhere else rather than have them come here all the time. There’s a lot of things we could be doing together on those nights. We’ll be missing the fireworks for the Caribbean Carnival if they come over this weekend.
Joe: I understand. But what about your friends that we see in Derby?
Loraine: You like my friends.
Joe: Well, I think they’re okay.
Loraine: The point is, it doesn’t irritate you to spend time with them.
Joe: Jill and Claire irritate you that much?
Loraine: Joe, all they do is speculate about pointless shit, moan about austerity and read aloud pretentious rubbish they’ve scribbled on those little note pads.
Joe: I like their poems.
Loraine: You are so much better than them, Joe. I don’t understand what you’re on about, but I can still tell it’s more well written and imaginative than their self-righteous bullshit. Every time Jill reads her menstruation slam poems, I want to fucking punch her.
Joe: (rolling his eyes) I’ll meet them at Starbucks.
Loraine: The other thing I need from you is more evening meals. I get home at eight and you’re home by seven, most days. When I get home from work, you know I’m stressed and need satiation to get a sense of calm. I hate cooking that late after work. It’s too stressful.
Joe: Okay, I’ll make sure to have something ready.
Loraine: The third thing that irritates me is on weekends when we have the day to spend together, you’re often in your room with your headphones on.
Joe: That’s really the only time I have to listen to music. I don’t put that on in the living room because I know you hate it.
Loraine: Joe, the only time I get to spend the entire day with you is on the weekend. What’s more important, a day with your girlfriend or listening to Eric Dolphy for the umpteenth time?
Joe: (reassuringly) Of course you’re more important to me! I can’t tell you how sorry I am if I ever made you feel like music comes first. That was never intentional on my part.
Loraine: And the last thing I want to talk to you about is something I need to be completely honest with you about.
Joe: Okay.
Loraine: Now I’m not saying this at all because I’m trying to hurt you.
Joe: I know, I know. What is it?
Loraine: Joe, I wouldn’t be with you if I didn’t think you were a handsome guy.
Joe: I know. And you know how beautiful I think you are.
Loraine: But at the moment, you’re a handsome guy who is buried under way too much fat. It’s embarrassing.
Joe: I know it is. I’ll go online tonight and research a diet plan I can get on. Maybe I can–
Loraine: (interrupting) Take off your shirt.
Joe: What?
Loraine: Take off your shirt. I want to show you something.
Joe: What, right now?
Loraine: Just take off your shirt.
Joe takes off his shirt. Loraine then pulls down Joe’s trousers and underpants. Loraine is staring down at Joe’s flaccid penis and protruding belly.
Loraine: Now, babes… I know you haven’t got the biggest cock in the world. That is not the problem. But look at this.
Loraine puts her hand against Joe’s flabby belly.
Loraine: This right here… this is nasty.
Joe: (embarrassed) I know, but I can’t really do anything about that right this minute.
Loraine: Your gut hangs out further than your erection, Joe. I can handle the eye patch. I can handle the man boobs. But this is disgusting.
Joe: (uncomfortable) I know, but this isn’t the nicest way to talk to me about this, Loraine.
Loraine: I’m being honest with you because I want you to be more self-confident. I don’t want to hear you whinging about how you feel unattractive.
Joe: I appreciate that but there are more tactful ways of helping than insulting me.
Loraine: (irritated) I’m not interested in beating about the bush anymore. I want you to become more self-confident and I want you to have a body your beautiful girlfriend is happy with! Confident guys are way more sexy.
Joe: I know that but–
Loraine: (interrupting) You know as well as I do that If I sugar coat what I’m trying to say, you won’t take it on board.
Joe: (loudly) Of course I’ll take it on board!
Loraine: (yelling) THEN BE A FUCKING MAN AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! You’ve had enough time to do something about it already and you keep eating the same nasty shit! I’m sick of it, Joe! It doesn’t look good when we’re walking down the street together and people are staring at me, wondering what the hell I’m doing with you! That’s not good for either of us.
Joe: I know.
Loraine: (loudly) I’m going to be pregnant next year! You need to model good habits for our kids. You need to be there for our kids without having a fucking heart attack at forty!
Joe: I know, I know.
Loraine: Now tonight you’re going to get a diet plan and we’ll order the food in for the week. I also want you to start working out on the Wii again doing those press ups. You’ll feel so much better once those boobs start shrinking. Who knows? I might feel like I’m having sex with a man.
Joe: You don’t have to put it in such a crude–
Loraine: (interrupting) You’re the one person I can say whatever I’m thinking to Joe. Whatever I’m feeling about you I can say to your face! I can’t do that with anyone else.
Joe: I know but… sometimes you can be rather blunt.
Loraine: My honesty is how I show my love. Don’t talk about that like it’s a bad thing.
Joe: I’m sorry.
Loraine: Now I’m famished. If you start cooking now, it’ll be too long before tea is ready and I’ll have a headache. Nip to the shop and get me a small pizza with a green salad. You’re having just a green salad. And don’t buy any pop or anything. You can have a glass of water with lemon when you get back.
Joe: Okay, I should be back in about fifteen minutes.
Joe proceeds to walk out the door.
Loraine: Joe…
Joe: Yes?
Loraine: Thank you for being so sweet to me today. I knew everything would be okay if we talked this out.
Joe: I love you, Loraine.
Loraine: (smiling) I love you too, Joe. I’ve never had a boyfriend as giving as you.
From my novel, 'Love Before Covid', 2021.
Joe: If that’s the case, just tell me what you need! I’m your boyfriend. I’m here to make sure you get those needs met.
Loraine: I know and I appreciate you so much for that. No one’s ever loved me as much as you.
Joe: (awkwardly) That’s because you’re the love of my life. Now tell me what I can do to make you happier in this relationship.
Loraine: Well for starters, I’m really tired of you pressuring me to hang out with your poetry friends. I don’t understand what you guys talk about half the time and I’m sitting there bored out of my skull. I’d prefer it if you go have coffee with them somewhere else rather than have them come here all the time. There’s a lot of things we could be doing together on those nights. We’ll be missing the fireworks for the Caribbean Carnival if they come over this weekend.
Joe: I understand. But what about your friends that we see in Derby?
Loraine: You like my friends.
Joe: Well, I think they’re okay.
Loraine: The point is, it doesn’t irritate you to spend time with them.
Joe: Jill and Claire irritate you that much?
Loraine: Joe, all they do is speculate about pointless shit, moan about austerity and read aloud pretentious rubbish they’ve scribbled on those little note pads.
Joe: I like their poems.
Loraine: You are so much better than them, Joe. I don’t understand what you’re on about, but I can still tell it’s more well written and imaginative than their self-righteous bullshit. Every time Jill reads her menstruation slam poems, I want to fucking punch her.
Joe: (rolling his eyes) I’ll meet them at Starbucks.
Loraine: The other thing I need from you is more evening meals. I get home at eight and you’re home by seven, most days. When I get home from work, you know I’m stressed and need satiation to get a sense of calm. I hate cooking that late after work. It’s too stressful.
Joe: Okay, I’ll make sure to have something ready.
Loraine: The third thing that irritates me is on weekends when we have the day to spend together, you’re often in your room with your headphones on.
Joe: That’s really the only time I have to listen to music. I don’t put that on in the living room because I know you hate it.
Loraine: Joe, the only time I get to spend the entire day with you is on the weekend. What’s more important, a day with your girlfriend or listening to Eric Dolphy for the umpteenth time?
Joe: (reassuringly) Of course you’re more important to me! I can’t tell you how sorry I am if I ever made you feel like music comes first. That was never intentional on my part.
Loraine: And the last thing I want to talk to you about is something I need to be completely honest with you about.
Joe: Okay.
Loraine: Now I’m not saying this at all because I’m trying to hurt you.
Joe: I know, I know. What is it?
Loraine: Joe, I wouldn’t be with you if I didn’t think you were a handsome guy.
Joe: I know. And you know how beautiful I think you are.
Loraine: But at the moment, you’re a handsome guy who is buried under way too much fat. It’s embarrassing.
Joe: I know it is. I’ll go online tonight and research a diet plan I can get on. Maybe I can–
Loraine: (interrupting) Take off your shirt.
Joe: What?
Loraine: Take off your shirt. I want to show you something.
Joe: What, right now?
Loraine: Just take off your shirt.
Joe takes off his shirt. Loraine then pulls down Joe’s trousers and underpants. Loraine is staring down at Joe’s flaccid penis and protruding belly.
Loraine: Now, babes… I know you haven’t got the biggest cock in the world. That is not the problem. But look at this.
Loraine puts her hand against Joe’s flabby belly.
Loraine: This right here… this is nasty.
Joe: (embarrassed) I know, but I can’t really do anything about that right this minute.
Loraine: Your gut hangs out further than your erection, Joe. I can handle the eye patch. I can handle the man boobs. But this is disgusting.
Joe: (uncomfortable) I know, but this isn’t the nicest way to talk to me about this, Loraine.
Loraine: I’m being honest with you because I want you to be more self-confident. I don’t want to hear you whinging about how you feel unattractive.
Joe: I appreciate that but there are more tactful ways of helping than insulting me.
Loraine: (irritated) I’m not interested in beating about the bush anymore. I want you to become more self-confident and I want you to have a body your beautiful girlfriend is happy with! Confident guys are way more sexy.
Joe: I know that but–
Loraine: (interrupting) You know as well as I do that If I sugar coat what I’m trying to say, you won’t take it on board.
Joe: (loudly) Of course I’ll take it on board!
Loraine: (yelling) THEN BE A FUCKING MAN AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! You’ve had enough time to do something about it already and you keep eating the same nasty shit! I’m sick of it, Joe! It doesn’t look good when we’re walking down the street together and people are staring at me, wondering what the hell I’m doing with you! That’s not good for either of us.
Joe: I know.
Loraine: (loudly) I’m going to be pregnant next year! You need to model good habits for our kids. You need to be there for our kids without having a fucking heart attack at forty!
Joe: I know, I know.
Loraine: Now tonight you’re going to get a diet plan and we’ll order the food in for the week. I also want you to start working out on the Wii again doing those press ups. You’ll feel so much better once those boobs start shrinking. Who knows? I might feel like I’m having sex with a man.
Joe: You don’t have to put it in such a crude–
Loraine: (interrupting) You’re the one person I can say whatever I’m thinking to Joe. Whatever I’m feeling about you I can say to your face! I can’t do that with anyone else.
Joe: I know but… sometimes you can be rather blunt.
Loraine: My honesty is how I show my love. Don’t talk about that like it’s a bad thing.
Joe: I’m sorry.
Loraine: Now I’m famished. If you start cooking now, it’ll be too long before tea is ready and I’ll have a headache. Nip to the shop and get me a small pizza with a green salad. You’re having just a green salad. And don’t buy any pop or anything. You can have a glass of water with lemon when you get back.
Joe: Okay, I should be back in about fifteen minutes.
Joe proceeds to walk out the door.
Loraine: Joe…
Joe: Yes?
Loraine: Thank you for being so sweet to me today. I knew everything would be okay if we talked this out.
Joe: I love you, Loraine.
Loraine: (smiling) I love you too, Joe. I’ve never had a boyfriend as giving as you.
From my novel, 'Love Before Covid', 2021.
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