My Year without God

Many of you may not know that I was a Youth Pastor for nearly 13 years, part of that time I was in college, much of that time I was in West Virginia and then for a hot minute I was in Las Vegas, Nevada.

I grew up in the church, some of my earliest memories were walking down to the altar to receive communion in the Episcopal church with my grandparents (something that I have enjoyed even into adulthood, especially around the holidays). I have tried almost every flavor and brand of Christianity on the market; Episcopalian, Methodist, Evangelical Free, Lutheran, Baptist, Independent Bible, American Baptist, Church of the Brethren, Assemblies of God and I am sure there are a few that I failed to mention.

I was “first” saved at a Whiteheart concert back in the day. Then again in my kitchen when I felt like I needed to “redo it and mean it”. I went on a missions trip to Norway, I got “saved again” on that trip. I was baptized as a teenager, thinking if I got wet then I would lock everything in place and wouldn’t lose it. I went through a whole ritual (of sorts) with a mentor of mine, equipped with candles, music and an open Bible to take it a step further and lock it in (only to have this man sexually abuse me later…but that’s a topic for another conversation). I event went to the Assemblies of God church looking for the Baptism of the Holy Spirit, thinking that if this could happen to me then I was in a really good place and ready to “rock fo Jesus” (only to have the youth pastor say that there must be something wrong with me after several failed attempts to speak in tongues and experience the onslaught of the Holy Spirit). I was saved again, for real this time, while I was studying to be a Youth Pastor in college. And again, I am sure that I am missing a few events in here but I think you get the point.

I was all in for God…well I wanted to make sure that I was all in for God by going through al of the motions, doing the steps, saying the things, living the life, cleaning up my act, seeking the gifts…all the things that good Christians are supposed to do.

I knew my calling in life was to be a pastor to lead people and guide them into a right relationship with him. I knew I would start as a Youth Pastor and eventually get my wings to become an Associate Pastor, then Executive Pastor and then finally the coveted title of Senior Pastor (or whatever the coveted title is today…I’ve lost track).

Everything I did, I did for the church. I was there early and stayed late. I took on multiple responsibilities and roles to help grow our congregation and minister to the people. I dug in, head down, hands up, heart open and trusting that even though I had a lot of room for improvement…I was on the right path and God was smiling on me.

And then I was let go. I won’t go into the details here but my last experience was a disaster; church politics at play in a big way, pastors fighting for the scraps of leadership left behind by the pastor that started the church, families leaving in droves, elders and deacons turning on each based on who they thought they next “senior pastor” would be. It was awful.

I did my job. I did the work. I was even doing some research for a Master’s Project that would help the church get back on their feet and be a light in the community again, I presented this to the leadership team and elders and they all agreed with my work and my conclusions and stated that it was helpful for them to determine our next steps….and then they let me go. In the same meeting where I was being praised and honored for my work, I was also let go and told that I had to leave because they couldn’t pay me anymore.

It made sense from a logical perspective; people were leaving, money wasn’t coming in, I was the most recent hired and so I was one of the first to be let go…in fact there were a lot of people let go that day.

But from a personal perspective I was crushed; hadn’t I been following God, hadn’t I been doing the work, hadn’t I just made a really good speech and wasn’t I God’s chosen? Ok that last part was a stretch but you get my meaning. I had so many questions and nobody to talk to. But it was ok, I was strong and I would look for work right away. I would apply to several church positions and see what I could get into…surely there was something for me.

That is where I was wrong…it didn’t. I couldn’t find a church and my faith in God started to wane and everything that I had once held dear was being stripped from my hands. While I can sit here and say that it was all for a purpose and there was a hidden meaning in it all, I can also sit here tell you that I have had some of the darkest times in my life as a result. To numb the pain, confusion and hurt I was experiencing I turned to alcohol, sex and porn…I really turned into the prodigal son and I was hurting in a big way.

That was nearly 15 years ago and my relationship with God hasn’t been the same since. I have gone to church, listened to Christian music, tried to read the Bible, lead worship, attended a Bible study…you know all the things a good christian man is supposed to do but I wasn’t having it. I was tired of the superficial, fake and meaningless faith I was living and that I was seeing from so many people in the church.

In 2019 I hit a wall and enough was enough…I was taking a year off.

I was tired of feeling bad for the mistakes I had made. I was tired of feeling not good enough to be forgiven. I was tired of not feeling like I had control of my life but that I had to “give it all to God and just trust”. I was tired of seeing the fake smiles of people sitting in pews and raising their hands KNOWING that they lived a life similar to mine but didn’t seem to care. I was tired of the bullshit, fake and phony megachurch movement that set standards that nobody can truly attain. I was tired of feeling God was waiting for me to “f up” my life more than I already had…man I was just friggin tired!

I was going to take a year without God. A year without God meant I wasn’t going to mention God, I wasn’t praying to God, I wasn’t going to church, I wasn’t going to feel bad about bad decisions, I wasn’t going to feel bad about the mistakes I had made, I wasn’t asking God for anything and I wasn’t thanking God for anything - nothing!

I was taking a year without God and I was open to whatever that meant in the end; if God and I worked things out then great AND if not then that was fine too. I needed to detox from all of the religious and “christian” baggage I had been carrying for years.

Of course I was afraid of what others would think or say. Of course I told people and “friends” walked away and left me standing there alone. Of course I was afraid of what would happen had I died during the year…I knew the price that I was going to pay.

but you know what….

Of course I made it out ok, in fact I would say better than when I started. Of course some friends stayed with me and encouraged me along. Of course I have a better understanding of what I was after and what I needed to remove from and add into my life. Of course it was one of the most fulfilling endeavors I have ever taken in my life…and of course I am going to share about it over the coming weeks and months and hope that you find inspiration for your life through my experience.

I close with this…don’t take what you have been spoon fed as “gospel” about any subject; religion, politics, family of origin, etc. If something doesn’t resonate right in your soul, it’s ok to simply take a step back for a period of time, it’s ok to ask questions, it’s ok to seek for answers, it’s ok to put it all on the line and go for real meaning and real purpose…it’s ok. Take the time. You do you and know that we will be here with you in it, through it and for it AND we will want a full report on all that you uncovered and discovered!