Science Chastity and the Horned Fate of the Neandertals

Good things happen in the world at all hours of every day, but you’d never know it if you read or watch CNN, the hourly omnibus of horror, or NPR, which comes with a big pink dildo. The BBC is bleak, and it has an English accent even in print. FOX is primarily cartoons about how bigfoot stole all the McNuggets from a factory in Kentucky. Science news is clean. There are times when it restores one’s faith in humanity, when you read something that, while delivered with a squeamish and delicate mincing of words, points to the pageantry of our species. Case in point- new revelations regarding the fate of the Neanderthals.

Our European hominid cousins vanished some 20,000 years ago. Gone. It was believed for some time that modern humans killed them off in a kind of rude prehistoric colonial expansion. Some claimed our diseases did them in. Others blamed climate change and the end of the last ice age. All plausible. But now they know the real reason and… they’re having trouble putting it in words because scientists are scientists. Reuters or Forbes might have the lingo, but I can spell it out straight for you. It seems our ancestors fucked them into oblivion. Armed with our might cocks and awesome vaginas, we horned them out of existence by folding them into our gene pool. We shagged the Neanderthals so hard they became us and disappeared into our DNA, where they live on to this day. That says something important about us. Something good. I seem to recall a time when it was believed we ate them.

Believe in yourself, dear reader. Deep down you are good. You come from good people.