Things I Giggle Over

One of the things I’ve been trying to unlearn is the impulse to wish bad on the people who’ve hurt (and continue to lie about) me. I see this as part of my healing process. I don’t think forgiveness is mandatory, nor even advisable for a lot of people; I see it as an individual’s choice of whether or not to forgive others, especially when they are not asking for forgiveness or taking ownership of their choices. But it can be really hard, especially after literal years of people lying about me behind my back.

However, I do giggle sometimes when I see what my life was when they were in it, compared to now after years of no contact or interaction. Back then, I was in poverty, I was going through a wretched divorce, I wasn’t even sure of who I was or who I wanted to be because my entire identity was built up in my marriage, and I had finally left my ex’s abuse and manipulation. I was, quite literally, in the worst mental, emotional, and personal place in my life.

Six months. That’s all it took for my life to completely transform into something unrecognizable. And in that six months, I found a strength and determination to build my life into something better. I didn’t have direction, I didn’t have an end goal in mind, but I did have motivation to unlearn everything that caused me to stay in my abusive marriage. Little did I realize at the time that such a resolution was going to expose the other manipulators in my life hiding behind smiles and a false sense of love and support. Turns out, not everyone is happy to see you heal, especially when it means you won’t engage in their toxic conversations and behaviors anymore.

I never would have imagined then the life I have right now. I’m in love with the most amazing man I’ve ever known. I’m building a career that I am enormously proud of. If taken chances, I’ve done the scary thing and chosen to believe in myself, love myself, trust myself. In short, I’ve invested in my own desires and my own wellbeing, even when it’s meant making the really hard decisions, like choosing not to be a constant people pleaser. And I giggle about this because it really is just fucking hilarious when you know people from your past want nothing but the worst for you, and yet you’re thriving despite them.

I giggle as an act of celebration, a release of everything that has only weighed me down. I smile and I laugh because this is a win for me, where I am now, the life I have. I built it, choice by choice. And sometimes I think back and I have regrets, but more than anything, my life carries hope when it didn’t before. Even when struggles arise and unexpected things happen, I know that I will continue to thrive, even if I fail, even if I face loss, even if I revert back to old habits. My growth, my healing is entirely up to me.

So I give myself permission to take pleasure in my own happiness. And I give myself permission to pursue even more happiness. They can say what they like, it won’t change my commitment to my own wellbeing, my own life, my own story. Manipulators and narcissists won’t change their tune, so I might as well invest my time and energy back into myself.

And that’s what I intend to do.