Iced Tea and Sun Between Branches
Week one of my two weeks off before I start my new job is nearly over.
It has been an entire week of self-love and outright pampering. Hydration, eating healthy, and then eating much less healthy, a micro-needling facial, a lash lift and tint, buying new clothes, a mani/pedi, and sleeping in. On the list for next week: a full body massage, brunch with a dear friend, lots of preparation for my new job, some cleaning, some time spent outside with my puppy, and anything else that feels like what my soul, mind, and body might need.
Tomorrow, my partner and I are heading to the coast for a weekend get-away. Our dog, Kiki, absolutely loves the beach, as do James and I, so it’s the perfect end to what has been an absolutely perfect week.
These things may seem trivial, but when I think about how far I’ve come in my healing journey, sometimes it’s hard to see the progress. But today, when I examine just how kind I have been to myself this week, when I think of how much love I’ve shown myself this week, when I compare how I see myself now to how I used to see myself as little as a couple of years ago, the difference is spectacular. Loving one’s self is not a trivial thing, no matter how insignificant the ways we love ourselves seem to others.
I recently discovered a new favorite beverage: iced black tea with a generous pour of half and half. I started watching Bridgerton (I’m still annoyed at just how much I love this show) and it made me want to drink all the tea. But, not wanting for that tea to always be piping hot, I decided to try iced tea with half and half to see if it was as refreshing. And the answer to that is yes – it’s delicious. I’ve already gone through one pitcher of iced tea and had to order another.
Again, it seems trivial, but allowing myself the pleasure of enjoying what I put in my body is something I never thought I’d do. My ex placed so much value on my attractiveness and my athleticism that I’ve struggled to define my value outside of the number on the scale. Learning to love my own body as I’ve watched that body lose and then gain weight has been very hard, especially when so much of our society still insists on body-shaming and enforcing fat-phobia.
But really, the relationship I want with my body is not one of shame or dieting or counting calories. I want a relationship with my body where I simply enjoy existing, one where I can both take care of my body, and also enjoy with I consume. No more dieting. No more counting calories. No more restrictions. I can and will – and have – eaten an enormous, healthy salad, and then gone on to eat a three-scoop ice cream cone for desert. And tonight, my partner and I are going to eat our favorite burritos from our favorite taco truck in Multnomah Village.
Right now, the early spring sun is shining into the copse of trees behind our condo. I see the budding leaves and the deeply green nettles on the firs and evergreen trees. I see birds hopping from branch to branch. And it’s a comfort to know that what has been dormant in the soil of my growth and healing is about to bloom. I now have a job that is going to pay me a living wage for my labor, a job that will set up the rest of my career, the rest of my life. I did the scary thing and I advocated for myself.
I look back over the last few years, at the difficult and painful choices I’ve faced, and I can honestly say it was all worth it. Some lessons were hard to learn, and some are still ongoing, but I am grateful for them all because they have lead me here, to this place of stability and promise that I could never have dreamed of.
Healing is hard.
Healing hurts.
Healing often hurts worse than the original wounds themselves.
But healing is also worth it.
