This is how my character arc is going…

Stuff I’ve figured out today

I fetishize the idea of “dating down” because I’m afraid of being hurt by men. But finally being objective for once, I’m remembering all the ugly fucking virgins who treated me like shit in my 20s. I have always dated men I saw as uglier than me because I wanted to hold more power in the relationship so I wouldn’t get hurt. This did not work the majority of the time. And still, until this day, I’ve continued to fetishize the idea of dating fat/short/generally-considered-unfuckable men. The idea being: ‘He wouldn’t hurt me, he’d be grateful.’ While this is true of the man I married, it’s not true of men in general and I need to stop writing this harmful idea into my romance novels. I have a femdom kink because I’m afraid of men. Because I need men to be non-threatening and allow me to guide sexual interactions because I’m afraid of them.The weird way I view and relate to men probably shapes most of my interactions with them, in ways I’m not even consciously aware of yet.

So this is where I’m at.