The Meditation That Changed My Life

Skeptical. There was a time not so long ago when I would have read that title, rolled my eyes, and kept on scrolling. But I’d come to Dr. Martin because I didn’t know what else to do. I was struggling hard with depression and anxiety, my life felt a mess, shiftless, confused–like I’d somehow forgotten who I was, or how to be me.

Dr. Martin listened as I unpacked my life, spreading it out in words and tears in the space between us. I talked of past abuse, of the fear I still felt when I went to mount my horse, of my distrust of others, of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and how I felt like I’d lost myself somewhere along the way.

Dr. Martin sat silent for a moment. I watched her gentle face and wondered what she thought of me and the mess of a life I’d brought to her. I’d seen plenty of therapists but I knew she was different–although I didn’t know how she differed. I hoped I was ready for different.

“In each of us, there is an inner child and an inner animal,” Dr. Martin’s soft voice filled the room. “What you feel, the fear, worry, anxiety, that is your inner child trying to get your attention. She says you don’t listen to her and she does not trust you.”

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This was not what I’d expected, my skepticism rose but I was also intrigued, and respected the person who had recommended I see Dr. Martin. I nodded and she continued.

“Your inner animal is very angry. She is also tired, she wants to lay on the porch and take a nap.” My brown furrowed and my BS meter went up a notch. “We each have this inner child and animal within us. The animal is your anger, it lashes out when the child is afraid.”

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Wait, what? There was something familiar in what she was saying.

“Your inner animal has been protecting your inner child for a long time. It reacts with rage, in most people it is directed outward, towards others, but in some, it is directed inward, with anger toward the self.”

My BS meter went offline and the skepticism slouched to the floor like a child’s forgotten rag doll. It was like she’d seen right into my mind. This analogy I understood as I’d lived it for most of my life. Such anger and hatred directed at myself was nothing new. Self-love was something I’d never understood, a concept I could not grasp.

“How …” I paused, not sure how to ask the question. I took a breath. Dr. Martin smiled and nodded. “How do I let the animal sleep?” I felt a little silly but Dr. Martin looked pleased–I’d asked the right question.

“You must tell your inner child you are strong enough to protect her. You are an adult now. You can keep her safe.”

Unexpected tears filled my eyes.

“Three minutes, twice a day. Close your eyes, breathe deeply, picture yourself at the age of six or seven.”

I closed my eyes, picturing the little girl still hiding inside me. She looked up at me, unsure, skepticism etched her face. She’d been here before, teetering on the edge of being heard or being ignored.

“Can you see her?” I nodded and Dr. Martin continued. “Now, tell her you love her. She is safe. And you will protect her.”

The tears spilled down my cheeks. I took a deep, shuddering breath and spoke, my voice quivering with emotion. “I love you. You are safe. I will protect you.”

“Yes.” Dr. Martin smiled, “Do this, for three minutes, two times a day.”

[image error]Pexels.com" data-medium-file="https://peacehorsejourney.files.wordp..." data-large-file="https://peacehorsejourney.files.wordp..." src="https://peacehorsejourney.files.wordp..." alt="" class="wp-image-887" />There is no right place to meditate or right way to sit. You don’t even have to sit. Do what is comfortable for you.
Photo by Spencer Selover on Pexels.com

Sitting quietly later that night, I decided I would try. I’d never really meditated before but what Dr. Martin said made so much sense to me. I had to try. I breathed deeply, bringing an image of Little Cheryl into my mind, I spoke to her.

“I love you. You are safe. I will protect you.” Ten simple words, repeated over and over–I love you. You are safe. I will protect you.

I did as Dr. Martin instructed, meditating those ten words while focusing on an image of me as a little girl. After many days, I felt a shift within me. After a few weeks I felt lighter, taller, and more within the world–more alive. Something even more significant happened though–I finally, for the first time in my life, understood what it felt like to love myself. Despite years of counseling and different types of therapy, the act of self-love was one concept I’d never been able to grasp. But now, I finally understood what it felt like. It felt amazing, liberating, and I brimmed with hope.

It took days and weeks of repetition, three minutes, twice a day, just as Dr. Martin instructed, but my inner animal finally took her long awaited nap. She is resting in the sunshine, finally able to let her guard down, now that she knows the little girl is safe, loved, and protected.

Peace to you, gentle friends. Light and love to your inner child, and may your inner animal spend glorious hours napping in the warmth of the sun.

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